


The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth

by misscam



Category: Lord of the Rings (Movies), Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-12
Updated: 2002-07-12
Packaged: 2017-11-09 02:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 64
Words: 63,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/450365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misscam/pseuds/misscam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fic that spawned miniBalrogs, Elrond's Naturally Nine, the MorgothSauron feud, Urple, the WitchWall and finally, Gimli got the girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Weird Visit

**Author's Note:**

> This story was completed in 2002. It contains many references to fanfic trends after the first LotR movie, as well as other pop culture at the time. Also has British and Australian spelling.

The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth  
by misscam

Disclaimer: All Tolkien's. I don't own Middle-earth or its characters, but they're happy to camp out at my place any time they like.

******

Somewhere – it does not really matter where – a girl was turning on her computer. Red hair fell down her back as she absentmindedly brushed it off her face. Sitting down, she opened her word program and began typing, her fingers softly tapping against the keyboard.

The girl was Lina Holling, one of many, many LotR addicts and fanfic writers.

_Imagine…_

_Space. Darkness scattered with small dots of light everywhere. They may seem small in this great nothingness, like the occasional oases in a huge desert, far in between. But they are beautiful, their light travelling far, far, far…_

_Imagine…_

_One of these stars. It is not one of the biggest, or one of the smallest, it shines faithfully like it has done since the day it came about. Around this stars circles several planets, and one of them has life._

_Imagine…_

_The planet. From space it looks like a blue-green-whitish pearl, but coming closer, continents and the sea would come into view. Then mountains, lakes, rivers, houses… Life. Mashes, snow clad mountains, forests, plains; a huge variety of living conditions. And everywhere there is life._

_Imagine…_

_Humans. Elves. Dwarves. Dragons. Haflings. Orcs. Demons. Wizards. In a world like this, magic does not only exist, but thrives._

_Imagine…_

_The magic. Every stone, every three, every lake, every river, every sunrise, every cloud, every sunset - magic. Not magic as we know it, but magic in the very existence._

_Imagine…_

_This wonderful world, so pure, so unspoiled…_

_Hold on. Something seems to be wrong, it seems there is a.. A gate? A locked gate. It has a sign on it._

_"You cannot pass – until you have passed."_

_What the…?_

Lina blinked, her gaze fixed on the screen. Surely she had not just written that? Not, she had to have dozed off and…

A discreet cough made her look up at the three suits who seemed to suddenly appeared in her bedroom. For a moment she wondered if she were hallucinating, especially when the nearest man gave her a huge, somewhat creepy smile.

"Trying to write a LotR fanfic were you? Sorry, no can do. Party's over. What, you didn't really think we'd let this go on, did you?"

"Huh?" Lina managed to croak out, wondering if the tic-tacks she had eaten by some weird accident had been replaced with ecstasy or something else trippy.

"Ah, it will all become clear to you. I am One, this is Two and Three. Think of us as… Representatives of Middle-earth."

"Middle-earth?" the girl echoed, and in her head a little voice muttered sarcastically. 'You've finally snapped' it muttered. 'Had to happen.'

The man was still smiling, the kind of smile that is meant to be reassuring but really just creeps you more out.

"Never mess with a land where magic exists," the man went on. Then he took a deep breath and launched into what had to be a pre-planned speech. "But do not despair. You can still write fanfic. All you have to do is enrol and pass The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth. OFUM offers a wide range of subjects as diverse as Evil Is as Evil Does 101 taught by the esteemed Sauron himself and Poetry 202 with highly acclaimed author of 'Merry Dol and Dong Dillo: How to keep your neighbours out'; the one and only Tom Bombadil. Our esteem teaching staff also includes other well-known residences of Middle-earth. Upon successful completion you will be given a license to write LotR fanfic. All clear?"

Lina opened her mouth, but closed it again. She had no idea what to say.

"Good. I'm sure you'll find it… Stimulating." If it was possible, the man seemed to smile even wider. Reaching into his briefcase, he took out a few papers and a folder.

"This is your official enrolment papers. Your ride will arrive tomorrow, if you should chose to enroll, and I'm confident you will. If not…Oh, no need for that, I'm sure you'll come aboard. Good luck miss!"

The folder was pressed into her hand, and gaping Lina watched the three vanish in the blink of an eye, leaving only scattered papers on the floor. She blinked, and blinked again. The folder was still in her hands, and it felt real. It was real.

"Oh. My. God," she muttered, flipping through the folder. "I'm mad. I'm truly gone mad. This cannot.. 'Platonic Love 101. Lecturers: Mr. Frodo Baggins and Mr. Samwise Gamgee'. No way. NO way. 'Male Bonding 202. Lecturers: Legolas, son of Thranduil and Gimli, son of Glóin.' Oh my."

She stared at the papers on the floor. Legolas as a lecturer – now there was a hallucination worth having. What harm could it do to fill them out, right? She was just hallucinating, so it wouldn't lead to anything. Right?

To her surprise, her hand trembled when she reached for the papers. They seemed standard enough, except for a few odd questions.

"Fear of spiders Yes/No," she read. "Chosen side Evil/Good. Preferred Dark Lord Morgoth/Sauron."

Maybe this wasn't a hallucination, but a dream. She was probably going to wake up soon, laughing about the wacky dream she had. Yup, a dream.

Laughing, she left the filled out papers on the desk and slipped into bed. The soft covers greeted her, and she hardly noticed that the computer seemed to have turned itself off and that the papers had vanished the moment she had let go of them.

Soon she slept, the last sleep she would have in her world for quite some time, for the next morning she awoke in Rohan Riding Express Carriage headed for The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth in the city of Minas Tirith.

Her screams echoed all the way to Rivendell.


	2. Welcome to OFUM

By the time the Rohan Riding Express Carriage had begun moving after the coachman's near fall (her scream had nearly startled him to death), Lina had almost convinced herself she was dreaming again.

It seemed so dreamlike, the ride through the landscape. Great mountains loomed in the horizon, clear rivers ran through the valleys. And the air… The air was so fresh and clear. She sure knew how to dream lively.

Closing her eyes, she let her self drift off. Such a vivid dream, such a…

"We have arrived," the coachman announced. "This is your University."

Snapping out of her dreamlike state, Lina realised they had stopped. Hesitantly, she stepped out of the carriage to find she was standing in front of several large buildings. They seemed oddly – well, her world-ish. But not quite. It was as if someone had looked at the design of a modern university and copied it without quite realising what functions everything served.

There was a carpark, with a handicap space no less. There were tall poles that were probably meant to be streetlights, but of course there were no electricity.

On the biggest building hang a banner reading 'OFUM – Orientation Week'.

She lifted her gaze above the University, and saw a tall, white tower-like structure hover in the background.

"What is that?" she whispered hoarsely, even though she already knew.

"That is Minas Tirith." He took a look at her, then muttered under his breath. "You'd think they at least know the largest cities in the world they write about."

"But, eh... Umm.." she muttered, staring down at the ground. "This is not real. This is not real. This is NOT real."

She closed her eyes and opened them again.

"So they all say," the man replied, and she finally took a good look at him. He was tall, blonde, face having that natural tan you only get from spending most of your life outdoors. He was… Yum. Utterly yum.

How long she gawked she wasn't sure, but finally she became aware of someone tapping her on her elbow. She turned – and saw no one. That was, until she looked down and saw the woman smiling up at her. She was…

"I am Rosie Gamgee, your University adviser. The orientation has already begun, you're a little late. Follow me…" the woman smiled, and trotted off surprisingly fast on bare, hairy feet. A hobbit.. It took a moment before Lina managed to gather herself enough to follow.

"Had a nice trip?" Rosie asked, still smiling from ear to ear.

"Umm... Yeah."

"That's nice, dear. Now… Here we are." And with that she pushed the doors open and they stepped into a large hall.

There had to be hundreds of people there and they all turned and looked at Lina as she entered. She could feel her ears turn red, and worse yet, she felt the piercing glance of Gandalf on her. For the tall bearded man on the podium could be no other.

"Aaah, Lina Holling is it? Yes, it must be. Sit. I'm sure one of the others will fill you in later. Thank you Rosie, that should be everyone."

Sinking down on the nearest chair, Lina got a comforting smile from the girl sitting next to her.

"I'm Jenny," the girl whispered.

"Lina."

"Pretty wild, isn't it?"

"Alas, I seem to have lost where I was.." Gandalf began, staring down at his papers. "Oh, yes. Your time here will not affect our lives in the real world. You will be returned to the same time you left. If you wish to drop out at any time, you will be returned to your own world, but you will get no license. You must pass all subjects to get your license."

"Did you look at the list of subjects?" Jenny whispered as Gandalf droned on about passing requirements.

"I…" Lina began, then felt the piercing glance on her again. She sank down in her chair.

"Thank you, miss Holling. Now, your timetables and books will be waiting in your sleeping quarters. Legolas, did you have the lists and floorplans?"

A small sigh went through the crowds as Legolas's name was mentioned and when the elf stepped out of the shadows there was a stunned silence.

And then hundreds of girls got to their feet and stormed towards the podium.


	3. Hoo boy

"Ow!"

The voice echoed back and forth in Lina's mind, and it took her a while to realise it was her own. Her body seemed to hurt all over.

"Ow, shit.." she groaned and promptly rolled of the bed. The floor greeted her with a hard thump.

"Goddammit!" she hissed and opened her eyes. Where the heck was she? And why did every bone in her body hurt? Wait…

"You too, huh?" came a voice, and a face came into view. It was girl about her age, spotting a giant black eye.

"I'm Dot – we're room mates. You passed out last night, after Sauron…"

"Ow," Lina broke in, remembering. Many of them had been storming towards Legolas, when suddenly Sauron had stood up and… She grimaced. Well, he was Dark Lord for a reason.

"What happened to you?"

"Some chick named Kelly elbowed me in the eye to get to Legolas first. She lives on the second floor, we're on the first."

Sighing, Lina got up and looked around. It seemed to be a fairly standard college room, even with a desk that were stacked with books. Heavy, large, large books.

"They expect us to read all that?"

"Oh no," Dot muttered, looking down. "That's actually just for Elrond's subject – 'Elven Customs and Language'. He also does Numerology 101, but that's not till next semester."

Lina took in the pile of books and felt terror unlike anything she had ever experienced before.

"But.. but…" Lina stammered and sat down. She felt dizzy – she had never even read all of the Lord of the Rings books! She had only cared for the parts with Legolas in.

"You know what's really weird?" Dot leaned forward conspiratorially. "You know how the enrolment papers asked for race?"

"Yeah.."

"A few of the writers put down Elvish and so on, you know, as a joke? And now they are Elves! And we have a hobbit on our floor."

Lina merely shook her head, and leaned her head on her arms. A moment later she nearly yelped out in pain as the large bump on her forehead came to rest on her arms.

"Ow! Dammit!"

"That's nothing. A few of the girls spotted Frodo, and Morgoth gave them a lesson. He teaches 'Putting the Dark in Dark Lord 303'. He and Sauron always try to outdo each other." Dot shivered. "We have Sauron this semester."

Looking at the books, Lina spotted her timetable. She seemed to have five subjects: 'Elven Customs and Language 101', 'Evil is as Evil Does 101', 'Platonic Love 101', 'Striding 101' and 'What's In a Name? 101'.

"The classes don't start till next week."

"Thank God," Lina muttered, and tried to ignore her splitting headache. A moment later there was a thunderous knock on the door and she nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Hello, hello, hello!" came a bright and all too cheerful voice. "Assembly in five minutes in the main hall! Be late and you'll be forced to take an extra subject this year."

"We better not be late," Dot sighed and got up. Lina trotted after, wondering if this LotR fanfic idea really was that bright.

The hall was quickly filled up with people, and Lina though she spotted the halfling girl, as well as en elf. The crowd moved rather quickly, and she wasn't totally sure. She got a quick look of the stairs that seemed to go on forever

"Lucky I'm on the first floor," she muttered as the crowd slipped into the main hall.

There was still a huge black spot in the ceiling, one that Sauron seemed to be admiring. Leaning against the wall behind the podium, he seemed almost to be posing. Next to him a nervous looking Frodo stood, with Sam looking protective. Lina could only stare. They were all there, the characters she knew and lusted after. Legolas was eyeing the crowd, but otherwise seemingly calm.

Gandalf stepped up, still looking cheerful, but somewhat more strained this time.

"Come in, come in. Now, it ended rather abruptly yesterday, but perhaps everyone now is quite clear on what we not shall not do?"

"We shall not stampede Legolas," answered hundreds of monotone voices.

A hopeful hand was raised.

"Yes... Miss Rain is it?"

"That's the hobbit girl on our floor," Dot whispered.

"Can we stampede Sam?" the hobbit girl asked, cheeks blazing. Sam looked up, rather startled.

Gandalf merely sent her a stare, then continued on.

"This is your orientation week. You will be free to move about the University and explore it. However, the staff section is strictly off-limits to anyone but the staff."

A disappointed "oh" waved through the hall.

"You will be allowed to visit Minas Tirith on the weekends, but should there be any trouble reported back to me, this permission will be withdrawn. Tonight there will be a party in this hall – after the renovation is complete." Gandalf shot a glance at Sauron, who merely stared blankly back.

"The staff will attend. We have the Rivendell Harpists & Choir as entertainment, and Mr. Tom Bombadil has promised a poetry reading. I think it will be a most exquisite evening. Now, the course co-ordinator is Miss Cam, and any complaints you have about lecturers or the University itself should be taken to her. Head of staff is King Elessar, who will be teaching Striding 101."

"Puny mortal," Morgoth muttered, getting a sharp glance from Gandalf.

"The other staff will be introduced to you as the classes begin. I understand that each of the floor will now have a gathering, so I will leave you to it. Dismissed. And... " he added with a smile. "Welcome to OFUM!"

"Hoo boy," said Lina and closed her eyes, cursing her headache. More than anything she just wanted a nice bed and a large bottle of aspirin and..

Wait… Did they have aspirins in Middle-earth?

"Shit!"


	4. A (Brilliant) Plan Thwarted

There were at least four elves on Lina's floor, all touching their ears in reverence and getting envious stares from most of the other girls.

One of them – who claimed her name was Syndarys (which Lina didn't believe was her real name for a moment) had been elected floor adviser and already strutted around like she owned the place.

But no one really cared much, because there was a far greater worry at the moment.

There was a party in less than an hour, and everyone were fussing over what to wear. Those who were trying to attract Legolas's attention desperately tried to make their gowns as Elven as possible. Others wore bright colours, some aimed for dark, and the whole place was filled with so much hormones Lina felt dizzy.

The two girls from the room across had come into Dot and Lina's room, chatting excitedly. The horror of being lifted to the ceiling by the Sauron had faded, and everyone seemed to be quite ready to party.

"What's your method to get Legolas's attention?" Johanna asked, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear and getting a look of wonder on her face as she felt her Elven ears.

Lina stuck her tongue out, giggling on the inside. She did have a secret plan to catch Legolas's attention, but no way she was telling.

"I was thinking of singing an Elven song," Johanna continued dreamily.

"Yeah, you know any?" her roommate Georgia countered in her Australian accent.

"Of course I know some. I am an Elf!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"You cheated!"

The disagreement could fast have turned ugly had not Neko stuck her head in, looking all fired up.

"Kelly saw Legolas in the hall – he must have decided to come early!"

The four girls stared at each other, then nearly knocked everything there was in the room in their hurry. Lina managed to get in the lead, suddenly thankful for the fifteen minutes run to the bus every morning (because she never got up on time, and thus always had to run to make it).

She rounded the corner, ready to laugh triumphant – and stopped dead in her tracks. There were already about a hundred girls circling Legolas. But they kept an arm length distance, for in the corner stood a rather sour looking Morgoth, chewing on something Lina rather not know what was.

"Bugger," muttered Georgia.

But Lina did not let that stop her. Scanning the room, she spotted her target, her secret weapon – Gimli. Because Gimli and Legolas were best friends, that she did remember from her brief scanning of the books, so if she stayed near the Dwarf, sooner or later she'd get near Legolas.

Congratulating herself on her excellent reasoning, she trotted up to where Gimli stood.

"So… You like gold?" she asked, desperately wishing she had paid more attention to what the Dwarves had been doing in Lord of the Rings. They mined and loved gold, right?

Gimli gave her a long, good stare.

"I know what you want. You think us Dwarves are dumb? Now, is it Legolas or Aragorn you're hoping I can help you with?"

"Legolas," Lina replied, hanging her head. It had been such a brilliant plan! What could possibly have gone wrong?

"What was it Miss Cam told us to say in these cases? Fudge off? Full off? Alas, I have forgotten."

There was a great fanfare. Startled, Lina looked up to see Sauron marching into the hall. Armour gleaming and helmet so pointy and sharp it could probably be used as a weapon, he looked the essence of a Dark Lord.

"Oh no," Gimli muttered. "Ye better take cover, girl."

In his corner, Morgoth seemed to be growing in stature.

"Sauron, you WORM, you sniveling mere-Maia! How dare you walk in as if you're the only Dark Lord?"

"I am the only Dark Lord – you were defeated!"

"Now, now, this is no place for a fight," Gandalf broke in. "It is not good for the University reputation for lecturers to brawl in front of students."

The two Dark Lords eyed each other.

"Arm wrestling?" suggested Sauron.

"You're on."

"Every night, same thing," sighed Gimli, reaching for a beer. "One gets the other started, they argue and end up doing a silly test of skills. So far they have had a drink-most-beers-contest, horse race, carriage-without-the-horses-race, longest hobbit throw and the other night they tried to test who could turn Gandalf's beard blue. He was not amused."

Soft music filled the room as the harpist began playing and Lina stared gloomily into her beer. Legolas was dancing with Galadriel, who seemed to have rescued him from the crowd. This was not how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to notice *her*!

This required a new plan.

This required – aha! The staff section! With everyone here, it would easy to sneak in, and then it was just waiting for Legolas to come back.

But first she needed some wine. Just one glass; she had to try the infamous Elven wine.

One glass became two – and three and four and five…

The last thing she remembered was the disturbing notion that Gimli was starting to look rather attractive…


	5. Evil IS Evil

Mushrooms.

The first sensation Lina registered was the smell of mushrooms. It seemed to be everywhere, and she hated mushrooms.

Her next sensation was that of pain. Skull-splitting, throbbing pain pulsing through her head. And of course, there would be no aspirins.

What had she been doing last night? She remembered drinking and talking to Gimli and… Pinching his butt?

"Oh NO," she groaned, and hid her head under the pillow. She could never show her face ever again. She had been hitting on Gimli! GIMLI! Had it only been Aragorn or maybe one of the hobbits, that she could have lived with, but Gimli…

"Lina, you awake?"

"No, I'm dead."

"Everyone is so envious of you."

"What?" Pushing away the pillow, Lina stared up at Dot in confusion.

"After you began hitting on Gimli, Legolas came to save his friend, and you passed out in his arms! All the Legolas girls were green with envy!"

"What?" Lina bolted upright, ignoring the throbbing pain in her head. "I passed out in Legolas's arms?"

"Yeah. He carried you to bed, and tucked you in and everything."

"Oh. My. God," Lina muttered. Her fantasy had come true, and she didn't even remember it! The world was cruel. Cruel, cruel, cruel.

"At least you missed the poetry reading," Dot said sympathetically. "Sauron threatened to blow up the hall if Tom Bombadil didn't shut up, and the Morgoth threaten to blow the whole University up and then Sauron threaten to blow the whole world up, and then they tried to get Gandalf to decide who was the best Dark Lord."

"Why do I smell mushrooms?"

"That's Magda's great plan to get Pippin's attention. I think Syndarys helped her – it rather backfired on them though."

"How so?"

"The hobbit-students stampeded them and ate all the mushrooms."

"Hoo boy."

"Sadly, the smell still lingers and all the hobbits seem to be going slightly mad."

"Great, great, great, great."

Sinking down in her bed again, Lina closed her eyes. She'd just sleep and wake up refreshed, all ready to…

The siren that began blazing nearly caused her head to burst. She bolted up, years of fire exercises drilled into her, and bolted for the exit. Everyone else seemed to be doing the same thing, scrambling as fast as they could.

By the exit stood a very smug Sauron waiting.

"Ah, my students. Class begins in five minutes in lecture theater one. Be there, or have failed the class."

"But classes are not to begin until next week!" Jules, one of the first floor girls, broke in.

"Getting you to have the first class now… Now that would be rather evil, wouldn't it?" Sauron smirked. "MOVE! NOW!"

Everyone tripped over each other in their hurry to get notebooks and get to the lecture theater on time. Lina managed it just, her head throbbing so bad she wondered if her heart had somehow landed in her head.

"Be seated," Sauron said calmly, looking like all his Christmases had come at once. "Let us begin with a little tally.. How many here consider themselves evil?"

Quite a few hands were raised.

"You puny mortals! You think you can just declare yourself evil, and you will be? You there!" he pointed to a young girl who had lifted her hand. "You think you're evil? What's your name?"

"K-knight Obi," the girl replied.

"Knight? You expect people to believe you are evil with a name like that? At least add 'black' or 'dread' or 'death' to it. So tell me, *Knight*, have you brought any cities down? Blackened a whole world? Go on, don't be shy."

"Umm... No."

"And you call yourself evil? The standards they set for evil today… In my days, you had to at least had caused a river of blood. You're a sad, sad excuse for evil."

The girl looked down.

"When I'm done with you, you'll know how to cause a world to bleed and men to cry out your name in terror." He looked down at his notes.

"Gandalf has forced me to clarify that the knowledge you gain here should be used in your writing, and not in real life," he added rather sourly.

"For next week, I want a thousand page essay on how you would attempt to take over Middle-earth. Oh, and if you suggest creating another One Ring or any kind of jewellery, I will force you to listen to Bombadil poetry for a whole day."

"He IS evil!" Jules muttered, looking impressed.

"Today we will talk about the language of evil. You there!" he pointed to a young girl Lina thought was named Feather.

"Why is the language of Mordor more evil sounding than Common?"

"Eh…Because there is hisses in it and stuff?"

"Pathetic. 'Hisses and stuff'. Its sounds evil because it is evil, and everyone knows it. It's all about *reputation*. If people know you are evil, everything you say will sound evil to them."

"But Morgoth said evil doesn't need to brag about it," Feather muttered.

A terrified silence fell.

"What did you say?" hissed Sauron, thumping his fist down on the lecturer desk and breaking it.

"I... Um... Just that Morgoth said…"

"YOU WILL NOT SPEAK HIS NAME!" bellowed Sauron, and the whole room turned black. "I am the Dark Lord! I am teaching this class. Now, everyone write 'Sauron is the Dark Lord' in Mordor tongue, and woe the one who gets a single hiss wrong."

The class sighed, and everyone reached for their "The Art of Evil Speech" dictionaries.

Who would have known evil would be this... Umm... Evil?


	6. An Arrow to the Bum

It was a rather gloom moody Saturday in the study hall.

"A thousand page essay!" complained Tex, one of the younger students at OFUM. "I don't even wanna take over Middle-earth!"

"Speak for yourself," replied Gami from across the study hall, where the Evil Gang had gathered. The students were already beginning to split into groups – there was the Evil, the hobbits, the hobbit-wannabes who lusted after one or more of the hobbit guys, the Aragorn chicks, the slash writers and a few scattered smaller groups of admirers of other characters.

The largest group was the Legolas girls, and that was where Lina was. Of course, everyone there planned to backstab each other at the first given opportunity to gain Legolas's attention. All was fair in love and teenage obsession, after all.

But one thing they all agreed on was that Sauron was evil, evil, evil. Feather still looked gloomily at her hair, which Sauron had turned orange. Jules was equally morose, having failed his pop quiz of "The Ten Steps of Making an Orc of an Elf", he had made her grow a beard. A pink beard.

"On Monday we have Elrond's class," Dot said fearfully.

"He can't be worse than Sauron," Lina replied, throwing a look at poor Jules. Although beards were kinda sexy – No, no, no! That was a *wrong* thought, that was just crazy. After-effects of Elven wine, yup, that was it.

"I dunno. I hear his exam is to write an LotR fanfic in Elvish without any self inserted character."

"But that's just wrong!" Lina replied, horrified.

The two contemplated that prospect in silence for a while trying to come up with ideas for the essay.

"I never thought it would be so hard to think evilly. It's like... I thought you'd just be evil, you know? But no, you have to have plans to dominate the world, build a reputation, create minions, make sure your second in command does not usurp you. Hard work, you know?" Jo complained

Lina sent her a sour look, having gotten a lashing from her for calling the girl 'Johanna' – some people were so touchy. Although Morgoth had hung a girl from the stairway for calling him 'Mogoth', so perhaps a lashing wasn't so bad. And Georgia were insisting on being called 'Azuresage' – did these girls really think cool names would impress Legolas – although that could actually work…

Lina was a dull name. She needed something cool, something… Elvish. Like Legolette, or Lasana, or… She began pondering, scribbling down names idly at the essay paper.

"There should be a law against doing essays on weekends," Dot complained. "I want to go to Minas Tirith."

They both sent a nasty look at Melilot, who had tried to sneak past the mini-Balrogs by feeding them bacon so she could enter the staff area and sneak into Frodo's room. Unfortunately, Miss Cam had caught her and taken away all weekend privileges. No Minas Tirith trip for anyone.

Lina continued to scribble down names. Legolana, Arwinia, Laslette, Lasir, Legir... This would surely win him over.

A girl walked past, looking amazingly smug and carrying a rather bendy branch and some string. Lina recognised her as Silver Rose, who had tried to serenade Legolas during the party. What was she up to now?

Best to keep an eye out.

Silence fell again, while everyone struggled with their essays, except for Lina who was simply continuing her list of possible names. Maybe Greenflower would do it? Greentree?

Suddenly there was a great bellow of rage and pain from outside.

"AAIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

Everyone scrambled for the windows, gazing out to see a very pissy looking Morgoth advancing on Silver Rose, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. From her hand dangled a bow, and an arrow was solidly planted in Morgoth's bum.

"I guess she was trying to get Legolas to give her archery lessons," Syndarys remarked.

"YOU DARE FIRE AN ARROW AT ME!" Morgoth sounded torn between rage and disbelief.

"I... I..." stuttered the girl, dropping her bow.

Taking a deep breath, Morgoth concentrated and suddenly a great sword appeared in his hand.

"I shall EAT you, you puny being!"

"You call that a weapon?" came Sauron's voice, as the (other) Dark Lord strode through the door and out on the grass. Morgoth spun around, looking ready to kill.

"THIS is a weapon!" Sauron added, lifting his mace.

"You pathetic excuse for evil, I'll show you a weapon…" Morgoth muttered, suddenly holding a large axe.

"HAH!" Sauron scoffed, his mace becoming a flail with each spiky head skull-shaped.

"HaHAH!" countered Morgoth, his axe becoming two-faced and with a blood-red rim.

"Sissy!"

"Loser!"

"Pansy jewellery obsessed wimp!"

"Jelly brained oldie!"

"You were defeated by a hobbit!" Morgoth shot back.

"You little…"

Neither Dark Lord noticed Silver Rose slipping quietly away, the first ever to shoot a Dark Lord in the bum and live to tell the tale.


	7. Is That a Polka-Dot?

It was oddly silent in lecture theater two, as hundreds of students sat upright and awaited Lord Elrond and the first class of 'Elven Customs and Language 101'. Part of the reason for the silence was a mean looking Miss Cam sitting by the door, cuddling one of the mini-Balrogs. The other part was the wild rumours about just how strict Elrond was.

At the very front sat Celebrían (A name sure to raise Elrond's attention, Lina thought) and Arien, who had nearly broken into a fight over who got to sit nearest to where Elrond would be. They were still eying each other warily.

Fast footsteps echoed through the hallway, the door swung open and… In walked Lord Elrond, looking extremely pissed and with polka-dotted hair. Yellow and pink polka-dotted hair.

There was a stunned silence. A few giggles waved through the room, but no one dared laugh out loud.

Marching down to the lecturer's desk, Elrond slammed five heavy books onto the table and eyed the crowd.

"Which abysmal idiot person has been selling hair care products made for humans to elves?" he hissed.

"Umm… Is Elvish hair different from human?" asked a brave soul.

"You tell me. Does your hair turn polka-dotted when you use hair care products? Did you know there isn't even a word in Quenya or Sindarin for polka-dotted? Did you know I had to invent one, and then register it with the Elvish Language Committee just so I could tell my wife why I could not wear yellow robes today? Do you know how many forms the ELC requires filled in? DO YOU?"

No one dared speak. In her seat, Jules squirmed uncomfortably and looked as if a big neon sign with 'GUILTY' was pointing at her.

"If I find this moron, you'll be sure to feel the wrath of an ELF-LORD!" As he spoke the room darkened and his eyes blazed. "Now, I see we have several pointy-eared people here. You think that makes you an Elf?"

"I am an Elf!" exclaimed young Nimroth, whom Lina'd had many a times an urge to rip the ears off. Just because she'd been lucky enough to be an elf was no reason to show off the ears at any given opportunity.

"Oh, are you now? What division of Elf are you, pray tell?"

"Wood Elf," she shot back.

Elrond rolled his eyes. "How original. So let me get this straight, you all want to be Elves to get Legolas?"

Most nodded, but Arien rose her hand. "I want to get you."

Elrond looked taken aback for a moment before regaining his dignity

"Forget I asked. To pass this subject I will test you in the history of the elves, singing, Sindarin and Quenya and important historical characters. Galadriel will hold a guest lecture on the tales of the first age, while Haldir will later in the semester talk about the Elves of Lothlórien. Any questions?"

Bravely, Lina raised her hand. "Is it true the exam is to write a fanfic in Elvish with no self-inserted character?"

"No."

A wave of relief went through the theater.

"But that is an excellent idea, miss Holling."

"You had to ask, didn't you?" Dot muttered angrily.

"Miss Celebrían, let go of my robe. Thank you. Now, Gandalf said go easy on you the first week, so you only have to read 'Names to Remember: Important Elves' till next class. I shall have a test to make sure you have read. If my hair is still polka-dotted, I will also test you in the appropriate construction of a lament."

Jules squirmed again, getting a speculative look from Elrond.

"Miss Jules, are you sick?"

"N-no."

"Then please stop looking like an Orc on hot coal. Posture, children. Elves need posture. We are Immortal, the Firstborn. We do not lurk about looking like we apologise for just living. Honestly, you are as sad as a halfling deprived of his mushrooms."

All the hobbits jerked up at the mention of mushrooms, then sank back into their chairs looking disappointed.

"Excuse me?" Arien was waving her hand again. "I found this... Could you translate it for me?"

She held forward a piece of parchment scribbled with Elvish letters. Elrond took it, scanning through.

"Are you trying to be funny? This reads 'Elrond is an ugly git'."

"What?" Arien looked stricken. "But Galadriel said…"

"I expect an essay on my desk tomorrow with why you should learn the language yourself instead of bribing someone to write it for you. Five hundred words tomorrow, miss Arien. Anyone else has anything they'd like me to translate? No?"

The crowd remained silent, but a few crumbling paper sounds could be heard.

"Good. Today we shall talk about what makes elves different from humans. Anyone who answers pointy ears will get detention. Who'd like to begin?"

"Polka-dotted hair?" suggested Amber in what was probably meant to be a whisper to her friend Whitney.

"I'll give you polka-dot… There other thing about elves I should probably have mentioned is that we are beings of great power…"

It was a rather depressed Whitney and Amber who exited the class some time later, both spotting yellow and pink polka-dotes ('Never piss off Elrond' written in purple inside the dots) all over their skin and clothes.


	8. Frodo and Sam Sitting in a Tree?

Lina awoke to the now quite familiar feeling of just having missed something. She groaned, feeling a lump on the back of her head. What was it now?

"You have the WORST luck!" Dot exclaimed, noticing that her friend was awake.

"What now?"

"You and Nimroth were walking back from Elrond's class, remember? He had you writing 'I Shall Not Snigger in Elrond's Class' in Quenya a hundred times."

"Oh yeah…" Lina sighed. "What did I do, walk into the door on the way back?"

"Nooo… Don't you remember? You walked into Legolas!"

"WHAT?"

"You passed out! He carried you back here with a drooling Nimroth in tow."

"Shitshitshitshitsht," Lina muttered. She couldn't believe it! Again she'd had the chance, again she had been thwarted. Was this a conspiracy? In her fanfics it had always been so easy…

"You better get up though, we have Platonic Love 101 in a few minutes. I hear some of the hobbits slept outside the theater so they'd get the best seats."

Still angrily muttering, Lina grabbed the textbook ('Love Without Making Love') and followed the crowd.

They passed a sleeping Alisha in the hallway, who no one seemed to have woken. Maybe just as well, for there seemed to be quite a fight going on in the lecture theatre.

"Sam, I tell you, Sam!" cried Rain, flanked by Jera who was nodding vigerously.

"No, FRODO!" Melilot countered, "Frodo is the best Ringbearer! He carried it the longest!"

"He couldn't throw it into the fires of Mount Doom!" Jera replied.

"The One Ring is irresistible," muttered Starr, whom Lina had many a time spotted looking dreamily at her own hand, as if she was imagining the Ring on it.

"FRODO!" Magda bellowed.

"SAM!"

"They're fighting over who's best, Sam or Frodo," explained Gina in a low voice to Lina. "Honestly, I don't know why they're bothering, it's Merry all the way. Or maybe Pippin."

Hobbits. Lina shook her had and sat down, just as a few of the hobbits began throwing paper at each other. In the ruckus, no one noticed the real Sam and Frodo entering, flanked by Miss Cam.

"Detention for all the hobbits. Sit DOWN!"

And as everyone with a desire to live knew, you listened to Miss Cam. Within a heartbeat everyone was seated.

"Good morning," a smiling Frodo said, causing half the first row to swoon. "I am Frodo Baggins, this is Samwise Gamgee. To begin with, how many here have written... Umm..."

"Slash," Miss Cam shot in helpfully.

"Yes, umm... Slash… With me and Sam?"

Some hands were raised. Frodo and Sam looked astonished.

"But I would not think of Master Frodo in that way!" Sam blurted out.

"Yes, you do," came a low whisper.

"What? Who said that?"

There was a dead silence. Everyone stared at the slash writers, but no one there seemed to have said anything.

"Sam loves Frodo, Sam loves Frodo," came the taunting voice again, and it seemed to come from Frodo. From inside his shirt.

"It's been such a pain since it learned common," Frodo muttered, whipping out the One Ring. The class gasped. "Would you shut up?"

"Sam and Frodo, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S…" the Ring sang.

"Shut UP, or I'm reading Bombadil poetry to you again."

"Oh, fine, FINE! I'm just trying to help here, you know. Showing my gratitude for rescuing me from Gollum. The dude had an even worse social life than Sauron. I'm a people Ring you know. I like to be seen. I like to… Oh, look at that chick on row one..."

Frodo rolled his eyes while all the girls on row one tried to figure who the Ring was referring to.

"You need to get laid, Frodo," the Ring continued, adding a purr.

"Merry dol, Tom Bombadil's a merry fellow..." Sam muttered, STILL blushing. But it worked, for the Ring finally seemed to shut up. Strangely enough, it seemed to radiate sulking though.

"Okay. The exam in this subject will be a loving, non-sexual friendship story of two males from Middle-earth. We will also have a mid-term exam on..." Frodo began.

"Why Frodo needs a girlfriend," the Ring piped in.

"Shut up. On clues to why it's platonic love and not sexual love. Any questions?"

All the hobbits raised their hands.

"Any questions that is not personal questions about either me or Sam."

All the hands fell down again.

"Okay. Everyone please open their textbooks on chapter one, 'When a Hug is An Expression of Friendship Not An Interlude to Sex'. Sam, the chart please…"

"Yes, Master Frodo." Sam lifted up a chart nearly his size. "This chart shows situation when a hug is just a hug. This includes comforting after having lost a fellow friend, joy over having escaped certain death, reuniting with someone you believed was dead, excitement over finding a batch of mushrooms..."

"Thank you, Sam. Does anyone have other situations when a hug is just an expression of friendship?"

"I have!" Georgia bravely suggested, then leaped over her desk and before anyone could react, tackled Frodo.

There was a loud boom. Then Georgia stood up, spotting brand new extremely pink ears. Long ears, so long that they stuck out like antennas over her head. Frodo rose, looking slightly dazed, but unhurt.

"Sure, NOW he asked me to help" the Ring complained. "I get no love."

"You all right Master Frodo?" Sam asked, concerned.

"I'm fine, Sam."

The two seemed to move in for a hug when…

"Frodo and Sam, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I…"

"SHUT UP!"


	9. Run Lina, Run!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Urple – a brand new colour. Think of it as a mix of purple and pink in the worst possible way.

It was a fairly silent evening. Most had enough to do with essays to write, while Thalia and Lotus were conspiring in a corner with Cass leering over their shoulder. It was probably about Aragorn's class later in the week.

Sighing, Lina decided to take a walk. She felt tired – who would have known there was so much studying going on at an University?

"I'll take your Evil Plan essay to the collection bin," offered Dot as Lina walked by. "I'm just about done with mine."

"Yeah, thanks..." Lina replied.

Absentmindedly, she trotted through the hallways, carefully sidestepping the enormous hole from the latest 'I Am More Evil Than You' contest between Sauron and Morgoth, past the Pippin chicks who were working on some kind of new pipeweed and into the open air.

Middle-earth was rather beautiful. She had never really considered that before. It seemed so real now – heck, it was real.

Or maybe she was having one giant hallucination, complete with smells and sounds. She just wished she wasn't hallucinating quite this much pain though. Or the passing outs. Or the hitting on Gimli part.

She dropped down on the grass, and stared up at the sky. Funny how the stars were nothing like home. Nothing was like home. It was fresh and beautiful here and there was magic…

She had almost fallen asleep when a horrible, horrible thought came to her.

"The essay! SHIT!"

She hadn't done the essay for Sauron's class! All she had was a list of possible elven names written on the essay paper. Sauron would going to roast her for breakfast. He would make her grow long pointy nails. He would flunk her.

"SHITSHITSHIT!" she exclaimed and got up and ran. She had to get to Dot before that essay was handed in! Her feet felt like they had wings and she ran and ran…

And bumped into Dot in the hallway, not carrying anything remotely essay-looking.

"The essay!"

"It's in the collection bin, I just..."

Lina ran on, not bothering to listen to the rest of the reply. The collection bin was in the hallway just by the staff section, at the far end of the University. Fear gave her extra speed, she ran like she had never run before and she rounded the corner…

To find the collection bin empty. Sauron had to have collected them already.

"Oh shit…"

Perhaps she could go talk to him. He was a reasonable… Dark Lord, wasn't he? He'd understand – if he was in a good mood maybe he'd… Problem was, she couldn't remember having even once seen him in a good mood. Perhaps she could appeal to his ummm... Compassion?

Cautiously, she approached the staff section, separated from the rest of the University by a giant black gate with "Enter On Risk of Facing Miss Cam's Anger" and "Staff ONLY – no exceptions" plastered all over. The mini-Balrogs stared hungrily at Lina as she reached for the doorbell – but froze dead a mere second before she was about to ring it. There was a loud slamming of a door coming from nearby.

"MORGOTH!" Sauron's voice bellowed through the door, the force of it making the door squeak.

"SAURON!" came an equally angry reply.

"YOU turned all my things URPLE!"

"No, YOU turned all MY things urple!"

There was a long calculating silence.

"We've been pranked," the low angry voice of Morgoth finally said. "Someone has dared pull a prank on us. On US! How am I supposed to look mean and menacing when someone has turned my underpants urple?"

"It's urple! My favourite helm!" wailed Sauron. "If I find a student in the staff section vicinity I'll…"

"We'll," Morgoth interrupted.

"We'll," agreed Sauron grimly.

Lina didn't stick around to hear what they'd do. Spinning around, she ran again, realising one Dark Lord mad was one thing, but two Dark Lords angrily joined in common cause was an entirely other thing.

She ran and ran until she was out of breath and her legs were like jelly. She was so screwed. Dropping down on the floor, she closed her eyes and tried to feel her legs.

Who the heck was stupid enough to do a prank on a Dark Lord? Had to be one of the Sisterhood of Evil chicks. And urple – the worst colour ever. Hoo boy. They would all pay for this.

"I think I heard footsteps this way," she suddenly heard Sauron say somewhere not too far off.

She stumbled to her feet again and ran, realising most had gone to their rooms and the hallways were dark and empty. If Sauron or Morgoth found her, and only her, wandering about in the halls, she was dead. Or rather, she'd wish she had died.

When she reached the student floors, she actually felt dead. She merely had the strength to crawl to her room, managing to nod at Dot and fall into bed.

She was so screwed.


	10. A Balrog Named Grimli

It was nothing short of a miracle that Lina managed to get herself into lecture theater one the following morning, every single part of her body hurting. She even hurt in parts of her body she was pretty sure weren't supposed to hurt under any circumstances.

It had been hard to eat anything at breakfast, especially when Pippin and Merry were discovered sneaking into the kitchen, nicking some mushrooms and looking unusually smug.

That, combined with the rumours lot of ruckus last night and then the fact that there hadn't been the usual breakfast food fight between Sauron and Morgoth, led to a lot of speculation. Among those who had not passed out at the mere sight of Pippin or Merry, that was.

No one had seen the Dark Lords all morning (and unlike many others of the staff, Sauron and Morgoth liked to strut around everywhere and be seen, except Sauron could not come within hundred feet of Frodo, restraining order and all), which was rather worrisome.

Tex and Kelly were arguing Sauron and Morgoth had probably already whacked each other, but Lina knew better. She wondered what the heck those two were up to. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good. Perhaps this would lead to Sauron not having time to look at their essays though…

What concerned some of the others were the fact that no one seemed to know who would be teaching the What's In a Name? class. Robyn claimed to have heard it would be Gandalf himself, while Kiore insisted it HAD to be Legolas. Other had heard Boromir (which led to much excitement among the small group of Boromir fans, who were of course totally in denial of his death. "Someone so gorgeous can't be dead," as Robyn frequently said).

It was therefore a great surprise that Miss Cam came marching in alone, her little mini-Balrogs in tow.

Only then did Lina notice that Eryn Mari, Diane and Jera were all missing. What was more suspicious were that they were in different groups – Eryn drooled over Elrond, Diane had a certain weakness for Legolas and Jera was a well-known Sam Stampeder. Come to think of it though, they had sneaked out together during breakfast, muttering something about how they knew the secret food diet…

"Listen up, you little brats. Welcome to 'What's In a Name? 101'.This course will have a guest lecturers each class, teaching you the significant of their name. I will set the exam, and you better pass it," Miss Cam began, interrupted by a large yelp, and then a scream.

"That'll be our three missing students, I believe."

Moments later three rather embarrassed girls came running into the theater, an insistent mini-Balrog in tow, whipping at their legs.

"Ah, yes. Nice of you to join us. You forgot a little detail when bribing my Balrogs, girls, although it was a nice effort. They like their eggs raw. Cooked eggs make them cranky. Grimli, go back to aunt Thundera Tiger now and help her with security," she added and the mini-Balrog set off.

"You have named it Grimli?" asked Georgia, looking baffled.

"Oh yes. We also have little Gimly here, and Aragon, Bromir, Borimir, Marry, Gandolf, Gandlaf, Bormor, Pippi... An adorable little bunch. That actually leads me to our guest lecturer today, Gimli and his topic 'Spell My Name Right Or I Shall Chop Off Your Hands'."

Gimli entered rather briskly, actually carrying his axe, which made a few students twitch uncomfortably.

"G-I-M-L-I. Gimli, son of G-L-Ó-I-N. Got that? Not Grimli, not Gimly, but GIMLI. What is my name?"

"Gimli," the class echoed.

"Good. Now, spell it incorrectly and I shall do what to you?"

"Chop our hands off," the class chorused, but less enthusiastically.

"Excellent. Class dismissed."

"Not so fast," came Sauron's voice, and the Dark Lord came marching in, Morgoth in tow. "One of you foul-smelling, puny little fungus-brained students have played a prank on me and my colleague here. We are very amused. Very, very amused. In fact, we are so amused we'd like to congratulate the person who thought it of it. So, who was it?"

There was a dead silence. Lina didn't even dare breathe, staring hard at the floor.

"I told you we should have gone with my 'Tell Us Or We'll Boil You All In Extremely Hot Lava' idea," Morgoth said after a while.

"You're always into brute force. Sneaky manipulation is so much more effective."

"Like your idea have worked so far…"

The two eyed each other hatefully, the air cackling, until they seemed to realise they were still in front of the class.

"We WILL find you, you little drool-tasting maggot and pain will have a new meaning to you. Rest assured of that," Morgoth announced, and the two stalked off. Only then were the crowd exposed to the urple-coloured backside of the Dark Lords (as if they had seen sitting in urple chairs and the colour had transferred).

It took nearly ten minutes before everyone (even the mini-Balrogs and Miss Cam) had stopped laughing and could actually stand upright again.


	11. The Urple Bandits

There was a certain feeling of gloom and funeral in the air as everyone very quietly slipped into the lecture theater for Sauron's class. Except for Lotus, who were still dazed and couldn't walk in a straight line, thus kept bumping into people. She had tried climbing the tree outside Aragorn's room to enter through the window, only to discover the tree was actually an Ent.

And just as luck has it, the Ent was LongPonder, who had long since become senile and thought she was an Entwife. Apparently, it had taken hours to make him stop snuggling her.

Only Lyle looked somewhat excited at the prospect of another class of Evil Is As Evil Does 101. She even wore a low-cut dress, smirking evilly.

Sauron was already waiting in the theater, looking ready to kill. Of course, he was a Dark Lord, so he always looked ready to kill. But today he looked ready to kill instantly and quite more painfully and slowly than usual.

No wonder, the urple colour was quite water resistant (it was as if even water was scared of it), and word was it had taken hours to wash off. The two Dark Lords had done their part to get even though, lining up The Great Howling and Hissing Orc Choir near the student floors, and they had been howling and hissing all night. No one had managed to sleep much at all.

The pair had also put chilli in every breakfast meal, and broken the water heater. Cold baths were not the greatest thing to start a morning with.

And no one had even the faintest idea who'd done the 'Urple Deed'. The most likely suspects all insisted they had done nothing, and besides, it had to have involved getting past the mini-Balrogs, which no student had mastered yet.

Sauron growled.

"SIT! Now, let us talk about the DRIVEL you have handed in. Oh, you didn't think I had time to read it all, perhaps? Tough luck, for I have! And it stinks! Almost all of it is just worthless, impossible ramblings. There were just a few that were even likely, and I read just one plan that may work. It is simply a list of names. A kill list. THAT is evil in its simplest form. Good, miss Holling, you're on the right track."

Lina nearly fainted in surprise and relief. He had liked it? She was saved!

"I would have flunked you all had not Gandalf looked at it decided it wasn't that bad, and several of you had good ideas, and I should take that into consideration, blah, blah, blah. But I still say you lot are not even worthy to scrape the dirt of the boots of my evil minions!"

"But I want to be an evil minion," Gami blurted out, looking crushed.

"You raise your hand before speaking, yes? Shall I perhaps give you an extra arm since your two others seem to be incapable of performing this task? No? Okay, then. Today we shall discuss Evil Strongholds, how they are built, types of design, why towers are so often chosen and what materials to use for that proper fearsome 'I Am Evil, See My Fort' look. We will also touch on how to convert a structure built for good..." he spitted before continuing, "for evil uses."

Pausing, Sauron regarded the class with a particular nasty frown. Lyle gave him a stunning smile, but he didn't seem to notice.

"We shall also discuss torture chambers, and how I am going to torture the bloated boil that dared do a prank on me. Oh, and Gandalf says I should let you know in advance when I intend to have tests. So, we will have a test – in five seconds."

He paused again, this time for exactly five seconds.

"Let us begin. The question is: Where were my two main strongholds and what were they called?"

"Urpleville and Urpletown," said a tiny voice.

"WHO SAID THAT?"

There was a great giggle. Then Merry and Pippin slipped out from under the lecturer's desk, looking gleeful.

"YOU!" Sauron spat. "It was you two! You coloured my room!"

"Did you colour his room, Pip?" Merry asked, looking ready to burst.

"What, a little hobbit like me? I heard it was The Urple Bandits. I'd love to stay and chat Your Evilness, but it's time for Second Breakfast, isn't it Merry?"

"Right you are," Merry replied, and the two skipped out, leaving a fuming Dark Lord.

There was a long silence, for no one dared laugh while Sauron looked like a volcano, actual steam rising from his head.

"Do the test, you spineless weeds!" he barked, then exited the room in loud footsteps.

"That's my Pippin," whispered Magda.

"Your?" countered Gina.

It didn't take long before the discussion was on. And further down the hallway there seemed to be another discussion going on – Sauron telling Morgoth about 'The Urple Bandits'. A few loud "How DARE they!" and "Dribbling worms!" could be heard. And then of course, the inevitable "You think you could have stopped them?"

When there was a loud bang and smoke came drifting down the hallways a few minutes later, it was clear to everyone that the great Sauron/Morgoth Alliance was dead – may it rest in peace.


	12. Evil Wall Came Falling Down, Falling Down...

There was a certain nice feeling of normality when you awoke in the middle of the night from Sauron throwing a tantrum (by blowing up a few rocks outside) or Morgoth sulking (by blowing up bigger rocks outside). It had become a sort of annoying feeling of home, along with the usual yelping or screaming as someone tried to enter the staff section. (This night it had been Neko and Elvëa, who both had fallen in the pit that no one had previously known was there. That in itself might not have been so bad, had not Nazgûl Four managed to fall in as well when hearing the screams and wandering off to join in.)

Unable to sleep again, Lina wandered off towards the eating hall, where breakfast would be served soon enough. It was dark and quiet, except for the culinary delight Gandalf had tried to make the other day, which still glowed ivy green in the corner. No one dared go near it.

Leaning out of the window, Lina took in the fresh smell of breakfast being made. With all the hobbits in the detention it also meant she'd have a change of getting something other than dry bread for breakfast. The hobbits tended to storm the tables and leave them rather robbed.

Now all they got for breakfast was 'Verdant is the oak as it blooms in spring, ferry lol and merry bring, thus Tom Bombadil will sing'. An hour of detention helping Tom Bombadil writing poetry was almost worse than Sauron's class. Sauron had so far not made anyone's ears bleed, although he probably would eventually.

"It had to be YOOOOOOU…" came a shrilling voice from somewhere in the darkness and Lina nearly fell out of the window.

"What are you doing?" she hissed into the night.

"Serenading Legolas," the voice answered hesitantly.

"I think that is..." Lina began, and winced as she heard a window being slammed open and something hitting the ground (or the person, it was hard to say in the dark) and breaking.

"It's not me, you fool girl!" a gruff voice called out.

"...Gimli's room," Lina finished, sighing. Another plan had gone awry, it would seem. Which reminded her that Dot was plotting something, staying up late and looking unusually smug.

Oh well. It would probably be revealed soon enough. For now she had 'Striding 101' to worry about, which no one actually knew what was. Aragorn would be teaching though, and that was enough to whip certain chicks into a frenzy.

But first there was breakfast.

The hall filled up slowly, as tired students dragged themselves over the floor, looking like they were a second away from death. Lina watched them rather bemused, for once feeling quite awake. Finishing first of everyone, she slipped away just as the elven girls began complaining over the lack of wine with every meal.

Just as she rounded the corner and stepped into the hallway leading to lecture theatre three (which was overgrown with plants, for that slight outdoor feeling), she heard a familiar voice.

"You wanted to teach a class, Aragorn," Gandalf said, sounding slightly amused. Tiptoeing, Lina walked closer, trying not to breathe too loud.

"As you keep reminding me, Gandalf. But this morning I found a girl named Thalia trying to crawl down my specially designed chimney and into my room! Then I found Cas trying to pass of as the stable girl looking after my horse. This is getting out of hand!"

"Worry not, Aragorn. I am assured Miss Cam can deal with them, especially with the addition of her new helper, Miss Thundera Tiger."

"I'm not worry about them, I'm worried about me! And poor Legolas cannot go anywhere…"

"Aragorn, you've faced Orcs in the hundreds, walked the Path of the Dead, fought a contest of will with the Eye of Sauron…"

"And none of that prepared me for the horror that is this."

Gandalf laughed. "But why don't you enter, miss Holling? Class is about to start."

Cursing, Lina slipped into the room, just as she heard loud thumping of feet. The crowd was coming. Aragorn looked paled, but determined and ready to spring, as if he was going into battle.

"Sit down, children," Gandalf advised, and since everyone by now knew you didn't argue with a man carrying a staff, everyone sat down very quietly.

"Thank you, Gandalf. I am Aragorn, King Elessar, but you can call me Strider here in class. This class is 'Striding 101'. We will look at wilderness survival skills, travel and geography in Middle-earth. Exam will consist in a field trip… Yes, miss Lotus?"

"Will you personally test us?"

"Yes," Aragorn replied with a sigh, causing a few swoons to wave through the crowd.

"And isn't a vital survival skill being near a ranger?" asked Cas.

"Valar help me... Yes. The point is, however, you do not just become a ranger, as you will soon discover. And we do not wait around to rescue damsels in distress. We are actually trying to protect the north, a very vital task…" he paused, looking at the blank faces. "The north used to be the realm of the Witch-King."

"And don't you forget it!" came a hoarse cry from… Inside the walls? Lina blinked. No, she was sure she had heard the wall a few metres away whisper.

"Strider…" she began.

"Yes, that is the Witch-King, the leader of the Nazgûl. There were some troubles resurrecting him for this University. We accidentally mixed some... Umm... Rocks into the remains, and he became a wall. Gandalf felt it was a shame to waste a decent wall, so here he is. He will be moved for 'Evil Minions 202', which he helps teach."

"Decent wall? I'm the best scariest wall ever!" hissed the Witch-King Wall. "Give me some recognition! It's not easy being a wall, standing here all lonely. You should try being in my boots for an hour, then you'd know what it is like. I feel so… So... LONELY!" the wall wailed. Unable to resist such sadness, Lina reached out to pat the poor wall.

"No, don't…" Strider began, but too late.

The last thing Lina remembered was a diabolical laughter by her ear and a triumphant cry of "I still got it! I can still fool them! I'm still evil!"

Then the wall came falling down on her.


	13. The Curse of the Valinor Vegetable Soup

Someone was singing by her ear, a rather gruff voice, not at all the soft singing of her dreams. It sounded deeper, and the words were all.. Dwarfish?

She became aware of pain. Her head was throbbing, her arms were throbbing, and lo and behold, her legs were throbbing too. And she felt bruised. It was a new sort of pain this, it seemed less localised and more… Everywhere.

"You awake, lass?" the gruff voice asked.

"No, I'm dead," she replied dryly, relived to realise she could still feel her feet.

"You don't look dead."

Opening her eyes, she looked straight at Gimli, who sat by her bed. He looked slightly dusty and grim, but not really annoyed.

"I dug you out after the wall fell on you," he explained, "and your roommate has suffered a slight accident, so I thought I'd best make sure you were fine."

"Accident?" Lina muttered, trying to remember what had happened. She felt like she had been hit by a great piles or rocks… Oh. The Witch-King wall. At least now she knew never to pat a wailing wall ever again.

"She climbed a tree and unfortunately there was a beehive in that tree. Luckily, Legolas was nearby. I'm told she will be fine after all the swellings go down."

Dot climbed a tree? Had to be some ruse to attract Legolas's attention.

"The healer was by earlier. You should rest. I best be going." And with that he rose, trotting towards the door.

"Gimli?" Lina called out. "Thank you."

His face broke into a slight smile. "Next time, remember that evil comes in many shapes, including walls."

To her astonishment, Lina couldn't help but smile. She smiled even wider when she found a tray of food placed on the desk, although she wasn't quite sure what kind of food it was. It looked quite strange, especially the soup.

She ate it all though, feeling quite hungry. It left an odd sensation on her tongue, almost burning.

"I wonder why I feel so odd  
did I just eat some cod?"

She paused. That was definitely odd, it had come out rhyming.

"Rhyme I did, that can't be right  
and my head feels so very light.  
Is there something wrong with me?  
For surely this should not be."

Oh no. Oh no. This couldn't be happening to her. This couldn't be happening.

"I refuse to think this is true  
for who here could I sue?  
Curse! This is such a pain,  
How will I stay sane?"

She groaned and hit her head repeatedly against the wall. What the hell was going on? She'd been perfectly fine (except for the wall-mishap) until she had...

"The cook is to blame  
for me not being the same!"

Her body protested wildly as she got up, but anger was a strong motivation. She marched through the loud, crowded hall (The Urple Bandits had struck again and turned the Witch-Wall urple. What a revenge!), turned the corner and slammed right into Gandalf.

"Oh, miss Holling! I did not see you there. I was actually on my way to see you. You must have been hurt less than I thought being up on your feet already. Are you feeling fine?"

Lina merely nodded.

"Good, good. I took the liberty of cooking you a meal, I hope you enjoyed."

"You! Ever since I ate that weird stuff  
I am forced to make rhymes in a huff."

Gandalf seemed taken aback. "Did you start talking in rhymes after eating my delicious Valinor Vegetable Soup?"

Nodding fiercely, Lina tried not to notice the curious glances sent her way.

"Odd. I have many times eaten it myself, and it has had no effect. On the other hand, you are a mortal… Perhaps giving you a Valinor soup was not such a bright idea."

"Really? You don't say  
This is such an awful day."

"Oh dear," Gandalf said. "You better follow me into my study and we'll see if we can sort this out."

Trotting after Gandalf, Lina felt miserable. And to think she had felt slightly happy just a few minutes ago (and she still have no idea why). Reaching the staff section, Gandalf merely nodded to Thundera Tiger, who was playing with the mini-Balrogs (it sounded like they were playing 'Catch the Elf by the hair', but that couldn't be right).

And suddenly Lina found herself in the Inner Sanctum. It seemed like every other hallway in the University, until the rounded the corner and stepped into… Magnificence.

"Wow! I feel like I am in a dream  
Almost like a castle this would seem  
Except this is even greater still  
For all this beauty some would kill."

Gandalf shot her a glance. "Most curious effect, yes. This way now."

He led her through the hall and up the great stairs to a westwards facing chamber. There was no doubt it was Gandalf's, filled with books and parchments.

"Now... I think you better drink this," he said, reaching for a small vial. "It cured Frodo's seasickness and Bilbo's need to acclaim poetry. It might work."

Sipping it, Lina felt better at once. Her head seemed to clear.

"I think... I can... Speak normally… Now," she spoke slowly, and to her delight it did not rhyme.

"Gandalf" called Miss Cam's voice from the hall. "You better come to the kitchen. Rumour seems to have spread that miss Holling ate some of you cooking and was allowed into the staff section, and well…"

"Oh dear," Gandalf sighed. "I think I left the special Entfood in the kitchen." Motioning for Lina to follow, they both walked towards the kitchen area. (Lina made a mental note of where Legolas's room was before they left the staff area. Just in case)

They entered the staff section to find twenty passed out girls, all having begun to sprout ivy-green glowing leaves.

"Lina, why don't you go find me Sam? It seems we have a bit of a gardening emergency."


	14. Monday Morning Mysteries

It had been the most odd weekend. Sam and the University gardeners had their hands full (literally) with containing the outbreak of leaf-hair. A few of the hobbit girls even stole some of Gandalf's food and ate it so they would grow leaves and thus, get Sam to help them. Pachelbel and Chiara had tried to steal Gandalf's staff to make Glorfindel appear, but sadly Arwen had interrupted them, muttering something about 'scene-stealer' and how it had been time for her to do something other than embroidery.

Lina used the time to recover and write the essay for Elrond's class ('The Importance of Starlight') and learning important elves. Oddly, Gimli stopped by a few times, and they shared a few laughs over Merry and Pippin's revenge on the wall on her behalf. He also taught her where stones had their weak spot, in case she ever got attacked by an evil wall ever again (you never knew in Middle-earth).

Gandalf had been temporarily banned from the kitchen by orders of the Headmaster (Lina wondered who the heck that was) and was seen sulking in the hallways ("It's a sad day when a Maia can be banned from something," he complained to anyone willing to listen, which was pretty much just the walls – and they had no choice).

Monday morning came quietly – well, not exactly quietly as Sauron and Morgoth were trying to decide who was better by testing who could make the biggest abyssal crack in the earth. Morgoth won when Sauron was distracted by Frodo and Sam walking by and fell into his own abyssal crack. His joy did not last long, for Morgoth fell into his own as well when the Frodo Fans and Sam Stampeders came running.

Sadly, Dark Lords does not find that very amusing.

It was a rather silent crowd that slipped into Elrond's class, only Arien, Celebrían and Eryn Mari looked somewhat happy (and even they were not thrilled by the aspect of a test).

True to his word, Elrond tested them on important Elves.

"You'd think if they were important, they would have been mentioned in LotR," Syndarys complained in a low voice. Of course, elves have super hearing, and Elrond gave her an angry speech on reading the book thoroughly and not just the parts with Legolas in.

When they finally got out of the class, everyone felt gloom. It even started to rain, ensuring there was no hope of spotting any lust objects out in the garden (it had proved a popular spot to see them).

"Monday mornings suck," Dot complained and went to bed (the swelling had begun to go down, but she still scared even the orcs when they saw her face).

Lina found herself alone in the library and immersed herself in 'The First Age: Simply Forgotten, or Does No One Care?' (for Elrond's next class – Galadriel was holding a lecture).

She didn't notice the pair walking in, but after a while she came aware of two hushed voices.

"Come on, you can tell me!"

"Yeah, yeah..."

Curious, Lina closed her book and began listening in earnest. It sounded like Miss Cam and Thundera Tiger, but whatever where those two doing up here? And who were then guarding the staff section?

"You want to know who the Headmaster is?" Miss Cam was saying. "All right, but you can't breathe a word of this to *anyone*. It's just Gandalf and us that know, it's hard to say how the rest would react…"

Her voice fell to a low whisper.

"The Headmaster is none other than the great…"

There was a loud bang and Lina nearly fell off her chair.

"Oh no. That sounds like a Morgoth bang if I ever heard one," Thundera Tiger was saying.

"We better check."

Following the two, Lina pondered what she had just heard. A mysterious Headmaster, and a suspiciously well-timed bang. Of course, odd things happened all the times here, but…

They came to the great hall where Morgoth and Sauron were standing, both with a hand on Feather's shoulder.

"It is my right to punish her!" Sauron boomed.

"No, MINE! I caught her!"

"No, I did!"

"You did not! I clearly spotted her stealing Elven wine first!" Morgoth sounded quite angry. "Besides, I am THE Dark Lord!"

"As if. You lost that title when they locked you away."

"You dare! I destroyed the Two Trees of Valinor, I *invented* evil, you drool of a fungus!"

"I improved it!" Sauron countered.

"I created the Balrogs!"

"I created the One Ring!"

"I created Microsoft!"

"I created Yahoo!"

They stared angrily at each other while Feather slipped quietly away and the whole hall waited.

"You slime, you pathetic rotting carcass," Morgoth finally said in a low voice. "I have kept up with you for too long. You want evil - I'll show you evil. I, Morgoth the Ancient Enemy created…"

He took a long, dramatic pause.

"BRITNEY SPEARS!"

"Oh yeah? I, Sauron the Enemy of the Free People…"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Miss Cam muttered. "My Lords, there is something you are not considering. The ultimate evil is by default the ultimate evil and will simply know so, and will have no need to prove it, no?"

The two Dark Lords looked confused for a moment.

"See who can first make the ground bleed?" Morgoth suggested.

"Lead the way."

And thus it was proven neither two was the ultimate evil, which raised the question – what was?

Lina rubbed her temples. Two mysteries in one morning – that did not bode well for the rest of the week.


	15. Where There's a Growl - There's a Wall

"And so you see, 'I love you' is not sexually intoned at all, but merely a sign of true friendship," Frodo was saying, getting nods from Sam. The crowd was listening in apt attention, a few shooting glances at the huge cotton ball on the lecturer's desk (especially Darhyl, who Lina had quietly nicknamed 'the Many-Named' because the chick wanted to be called different things from week to week. As if it wasn't hard enough to keep track of everyone already).

Unable to shut up, the Ring had suffered the consequences and was now quietly fuming in its cotton ball prison.

Lina regarded the two hobbits, who certainly looked more comfortable today. They were quite adorable really, once again proving size did not matter.

Where had that thought come from?

"I love Master Frodo in a non-sexual platonic way, just as you love your parents," Sam said.

"I hate my parents," a girl replied. "They won't let me stay out till after midnight!"

"Mine won't let me stay on the Net whenever I like!" another yelled.

"Perhaps that was not the best example," Frodo muttered. "In the way you love your sister or bother, then."

"My bother is an asshole!"

"My sister steals my make-up!"

"Okay…" Sam said quietly "No wonder they all write slaff…"

"Slash," Miss Cam corrected with a friendly smile.

"All right, the way you love your pet!" Frodo exclaimed frustrated. "Surely you do not have any romantic interests in your pet?"

Thankfully, no one replied.

"Good. That kind of love – caring for their well-being, a desire to spend time with them without any sexual feelings arising… Yes, miss Lyle?"

"So you cuddle Sam like you cuddle your cat?"

Sighing, Frodo looked at the cotton ball as if he had a desire to vanish.

"Is everything sexual intoned in your world?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Lina answered, surprising herself. She had never really considered that before – how much had sexual innuendo these days.

"It is not here. I do not think of Master Frodo as anything but a dear friend," Sam insisted. "I am married…"

A disappointed sigh rolled through the Sam Stampeder crowd.

"Let's try something else. How many here have made good friends at OFUM?" Frodo asked.

Quite a few raised their hands, although some of the Sisterhood of Evil merely stared at each other in a kind of 'I Am Only Putting Up With You For Now, When I Am the Evilest of All, I Shall Kill You' sort of way.

"How many here would sacrifice their life for their friend?"

A few looked hesitantly at each other, but no one dared raise their hand.

"When you can clearly say 'Yes' you will know how Sam and I feel about each other. Class dismissed – don't forget to hand in your 'The Platonic Love Manifest' essay on Monday next week."

As the crowd begun to move out, Frodo picked up the cotton ball and unwrapped it.

"You are evil," the Ring said accusingly.

"Gee, wonder where I could have picked that up?" Frodo replied.

"Go on, blame it all on a poor defenseless golden Ring. No one understands me. No one appreciates me. Even Sauron was all 'Do this, kill that, corrupt him, seduce her…' Have I not helped you?"

"Sure, trying to kill me every chance you got."

"Oh, and that wasn't what you were doing? A whole big Quest just to rid the world of me? Although that was kind of flattering…"

Lina chuckled softly and moved out with the rest of the crowd (a few of the hobbits lingered as always, staring star-eyed at Frodo and Sam until they were thrown out).

"How does your head feel?" she asked as she caught up with Dot.

"All right. I nearly managed to scare off the Balrogs and sneak into the staff section." She sent an envious glance at Lina. "I can't believe you've actually been there."

Lina merely shrugged.

"I hear the Witch-King is rather mad at you, blaming you for the whole urple deal. It's so cool, you have a deadly enemy. You think Legolas will protect you?"

"No, Gimli will," Lina replied without thinking.

"Lina? Hello? Who possessed you? I said 'Legolas' and you didn't melt in a poodle on the floor. What is wrong with you?"

"Maybe it's after-effects of the Valinor Vegetable Soup," nearby Silver Rose suggested.

"Or the Witch-Wall did something to her," Kelly suggested.

"I'd gladly let a wall fall on me if Legolas would dig me out," Kiore said dreamily.

"Me too," Jo agreed.

"You know they sat up the Witch-Wall near the toilets this time.." Georgia said (the Elf, as opposed to the other Georgia. At least this race thing was good for keeping people apart).

The girls regarded each other, then ran in the direction of the toilets, leaving Lina alone in the hallway.

"Oh, great," she muttered, and quietly begun counting.

She got till ten when there was a loud yelp and a triumphant laughter. A few moments later the girls returned, all coloured in urple.

"He wouldn't fall, he just spat urple paint on us," Dot said miserably.

As they set course for the bathrooms (the only stuff that got urple off was Wormtongue's Wonder Wash – although most were convinced it was because he had helped created urple in the first place), leaving Lina to walk over to the toilets.

"I'll get you, Lina. I'll get you," the Witch-Wall hissed.

"Shut up, or I'm putting you in Tom Bombadil's room!" Lina answered.

"Oh. Sorry to have bothered you then, I'll find another archenemy. Evil needs one, you know. It's just how it is. You know – if you ever consider being evil you'd make a most wonderful Witch-Queen. You'd have to become a wraith though and pass the Truly Evil test, but I think you'd be just swell. I'd serenade you every morning. And I did like the feel of your - " he let out a sexy-sounding growl.

"Uh, thanks. I'll… Think about it," Lina muttered and hurriedly exited. Somehow the thought of evil trying to be sexy was rather unsettling.

"I'm really a Love Wall," the Witch-Wall called after her.

It took her an hour to get *that* image out of her head.


	16. How Blind Love Can Be

Yawning, Lina crawled out of bed and stepped on the rock that had been placed by the bed.

"Shit! What the..?" she cursed, picking it up. It was a fairly ordinary rock on first glance, then she noticed little sparkles of gold. Who the heck would place a gold rock by her bed?

"Hey Dot!"

"Zzzzzzz-zhhhmmmm?"

"You know who put a rock by my bed?"

There was no answer but soft snoring. Placing the rock on the desk, Lina got up and headed for the showers. No one else seemed to be up yet, so there was no queue. It tended to be rather crowded just before classes begun, depending on who would teach the class. Before Aragorn's class all the Aragorn fangirls occupied the bathroom, before Frodo and Sam's class it was all the hobbits and so on.

Lina dreaded to think what it would be like when Legolas and Gimli's class started. Just as she finished setting up her hair, Feather and Robyn entered, looking slightly excited. That would have to mean Boromir was teaching today.

"Boromir is teaching the What's In a Name class today," Robyn confirmed, giggling.

"Ah," Lina replied, smiling slightly. She headed for the kitchen, nodding to Diane as she passed the girl in the hallway (Di worked in the stables, and thus was hardly seen at all).

Entering the kitchen, she immediately spotted Gandalf looking very guilty and holding... Something – it was hard to say what it was meant to be. A bread maybe, except breads didn't normally have legs and weren't really supposed to squirm.

"Ah, miss Holling... I... Umm…"

"I thought you were banned from the kitchen?"

"Yes… Perhaps we could keep this our little secret?"

Hoo boy. She would have a Maia owe her a favour! It was nearly enough to make her dizzy with glee.

"Of course," she replied, grinning from ear to ear.

"Gandalf!" called a voice Lina knew all too well.

"Oh crap, Legolas. You haven't seen me!" And with that Gandalf dived under the table just as Legolas entered. His gaze quickly fell on Lina and she felt her knees weaken.

"Lina, is it? Nice to see you conscious for once," Legolas said, his voice with just a hint of friendliness rather than his normal neutral tone. "Have you seen Gandalf? I was sure I heard his voice."

"Umm... I think he was heading out," Lina replied, drinking in the slight of her beloved elf. He was ever so buff close up. Although he seemed so – intangible?

"I see. When he is done hiding under the table, perhaps you will tell him I will meet him in the garden?"

"Smart Legolas, real smart," Gandalf commented, getting up from under the table.

"What is that you're holding?" Legolas asked, frowning.

"Why, this is… Lina's pet! They have such funny creatures in her world, you know. Here you go, Lina..." Gandalf said and quickly handed her the bread creature. He sent Lina a pleading look before trotting off with the Elf.

"Right…" Lina muttered to herself, staring at the squirming, four-legged bread. "Come on, BreadLegs, let's eat."

BreadLegs turned out to be rather cuddly and had a fondness for butter. He seemed quite adorable, trotting after her even into class and getting weird looks from the other girls.

Boromir, standing by the podium in all his rugged manliness, sent her a funny look as she sat down.

"All right, be seated. My name is Boromir. B-O-R-O-M-I-R. It's really not that hard. It's not Bromir and not Borimir. With me dying and all," his tone had a hint of bitterness, "at least show me the dignity of getting my name right!"

"You live on in our hearts!" Robyn blurted out.

"Ummm... Right," Boromir seemed slightly taken aback. "Now type my name one hundred times right, and you can go."

BreadLegs kept snuggling her legs, so it took a while before Lina finished. She was nearly the last to leave; predictably, Feather and Robyn lingered.

"So, you're not married right?" she heard Feather ask just as she slipped out.

BreadLegs jumped up and down, before suddenly running off in the direction of the toilets. Groaning, Lina followed. She was really not in the mood for being hit on by a wall.

"Lina!" the Witch-Wall called out when she rounded the corner. Then he coughed and cleared his throat.

"Lina, Lina, your hair so red  
Down the love path you've me led  
For you I'd kill many a man  
Even those named Dan  
I'd love you till I'd have to kill you  
And then I'd very gently it do  
My love is boundless as my greed  
Together we can fill the world with weed."

"That's... Eh… Lovely," Lina said hesitantly. "BreadLegs, come on!"

"I have shown my love for you!" the Witch-Wall declared. "As a token of my affection…"

"You put the rock by my bed!"

"What? No, I got a subscription if EvilDoers Monthly for you. Say, what is that lovely creature snuggling up to me?"

"That's BreadLegs," Lina said absentmindedly. If it hadn't been the Witch-Wall, who was it?

"BreadLegs… Such a lovely creature. Do you like butter, miss Legs? I managed to steal quite a batch yesterday… Oh, yes, rub against that spot, mmmm-mmm…"

Lina decided the two needed some privacy and quietly left. A bread and a wall. Now she had seen everything. They did say love was blind – but hoo boy.

That still didn't solve the mystery of the rock (nor the mystery of the Headmaster and the mystery of ultimate evil but one thing at a time).

Did she have a secret admirer?


	17. Hung Over and Hung Up

Head swimming, Lina was having a hard time staying awake in Sauron's class.

"It is not enough for them to fear you for the ability to kill them, you have to make them fear you for what you can do to them while they're still alive," Sauron was saying, but his voice was distant and seemed to drone on in the same monotone tone.

Her head had somehow sunk down and was resting against the cool surface of the desk. It felt oddly comfortable to just rest like that, not fully asleep, not fully awake.

It was almost the same feeling she'd had last night – standing on the threshold of a dream. She smiled faintly, feeling her cheeks burn.

Had last night really happened?

Had she really flown on an eagle high over the land, seeing the beauty of Middle-earth from far above? Had she really drank a whole bottle of Rivendell Refined Red?

"Now, one of the tortures I am very proud of bringing into human life is bad typing."

"What?" Kelly sounded startled, a reaction shared by many in the class.

"Bad spelling. Whenever you type teh instead of the, it's me." Sauron beamed proudly.

"Hah! I brought bad grammar into the world," Morgoth exclaimed from the back of the class where he'd been standing and looking all kinds of sour. "Every your when it should have been you're, that's my curse on the world!"

"This is my class, you git!"

"Git? You're a dork…"

Lina closed her eyes and tuned out. Her hands went to touch the necklace around her neck without even thinking. Gandalf had made it for her, out of the gold from the rock. He had arranged the eagle ride for her also, looking quite worried. Whoever the Headmaster was, it was clearly someone of great power.

It had been wonderful, flying as fast as the wind and finally seeing for real the world of imagination. But the best part of the whole ride had been detecting the small fireplace some distance from the University. The mere thought was enough to bring a smile to her lips again. Gimli and Legolas had been there. And they had invited her to stay, provided she didn't try to tackle Legolas (as many girls had a tendency to do at the mere sight of him).

Legolas had spoken of Mirkwood, Gimli had spoken of deep caves and she had even told them of her world and had some wine (Rivendell Refined Red – the taste was beyond words. So was the hangover). She had flown back with the break of dawn, and now she was paying the price. Her head felt so heavy and her body was screaming in protest.

But had it ever been worth it. Her cheeks still tingled. And mmm, Elven wine…

"You're teaching the inferior class! I have the advanced evil!" Morgoth was saying.

"Hah! You were the first, I improved on your plans…"

"You couldn't think of any yourself!"

Dot poked her, sending her a worried look.

"Lina, are you all right? You look flustered Lina? Lina?"

"What? I'm awake," she muttered, but her voice sounded drowsy.

"A Balrog can whip an Orc's ass any day!"

"Orcs insure armies of greater number!"

"You made them out of ELVES!"

Sleep… The voices seemed to vanish, and she slept.

Her next sensation was that of something very foul smelling, and she opened her eyes to find herself in some dark, dark dungeon, hanging from the roof by the feet.

"I probably shouldn't have fallen asleep in Sauron's class," she muttered, eying the ground. It was just a foot away, oddly enough. And her legs were tied together with a simple rope. It took some work, but she managed to free herself and fell to the ground with a nice "Whamp!"

Now, where the heck was the exit?

Feeling around, she came across something sticky (blood probably), something gooy (best not to think about what that could be), a stack of magazines (EvilDoers Monthly, she was guessing) and finally, something that felt remarkably like a ring.

Just then a door opened and light flooded in.

"Miss Holling, you're awake," came Sauron's voice, all drippy. "Your essay for next week will be on 'Why I Should Pay Attention to Dark Lords, Especially In Class'. A thousand words, on Monday."

"Fine," Lina groaned, and walked past him and into the hallway (she was in the staff section, a part of her brain registered). "By the way, you still have some urple paint on your ass."

And then she ran like the wind.

After dodging the fireball, she stopped to look at the ring she had picked up. It was thin and silver-ish, with several markings on it. It felt cool in her had, almost as if…

"Hello?" she asked hesitantly.

"Hello there!" came a cherry voice. "I am the First Ring. You know, the one Sauron made before the One. I am the toe ring, but please call me Toey."

"He made you first?"

"For sure. But for some reason he didn't like my design, or whatever," the Ring made a snorting sound.

"So can you make people invisible too?"

"Not as such, no."

"Can you dominated the other rings?"

"Well – it depends how you mean dominate, if you mean dominate as in 'dominate' – then no."

"What can you do then?"

"I infect bad spelling on people."

"You infected bad spelling?" Lina asked astonished. Man, her head really, really hurt.

"Yep. Sauron prefers jewellery to do things for him, you see. There's the necklace of 'Can't Get The Song You Hate Out of Your Head' and the bracelet of 'Toast Always Landing Butterside Down'. We've even formed a union. 'Jewellery For Evilness', that's us."

Lina rubbed her temples. "I'm going to bed," she said weakly.

"Mind dropping me by Morgoth's room? I think Sauron would appreciate that. Maybe he'll start using me again. I feel so useless these days."

"Sure," Lina muttered and began walking down the hallway. She managed to drop Toey off before everything became slightly hazy. Staggering, she stumbled into a bedroom and fell onto the bed.

Mmmm, soft…

Soon Lina was sound asleep – in the wrong bed, of course.


	18. My Inner Dwarf

Heat.

Yes, she was somewhere hot.

Soft.

Okay, so she was surrounded by something soft.

Snoring.

Someone was asleep.

All this would add up to – she was in a bed. A nice, soft bed. It sure was nice to sleep. Nice…

She awoke again, not quite sure how much time had passed. Still seemed to be a bed, because it was still hot and soft. But something was rather scratchy against her skin. Odd. Unusual sensation to have in a bed.

There was a very heavy fog in her mind.

"My preciousss…"

Oy. That was odd. It sounded just like –

"GOLLUM!" she shrieked and jumped out of the bed as if her bum was on fire.

"We found our preciousss in our bed, yesss…" Gollum whispered from somewhere under the blankets.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" she cursed. "I'm never drinking again. Never ever. For sure this time."

"Preciousss shouldn't yell," Gollum muttered.

"I'm not your Preciousss," Lina groaned, clutching her head. Boy, it hurt – still. And of all the people whose bed she could have fallen asleep in – had to be Gollum. Of course.

"Preciousss has sssoft hair," Gollum said adoringly, peeking up from the blankets. "Red like fire. We likesss, we doesss."

"I'm not..." she began, when an idea struck her. Quietly, she slipped out and picked up the ring she had thrown by the door next to Gollum's (poor Morgoth, what a neighbour to have. Or was it poor Gollum?).

"Here's your Preciousss," she announced, throwing Toey at the bed.

"Oh, shiny!"

Leaving Gollum to play with Toey, Lina ventured into the hallway again. It was quiet – hard to say what time it could be. Lunch? Dinnertime? How long had she slept? It didn't feel like long, her whole body still hurt.

"How do they live without watches?" she muttered. Okay, so if she headed right she should get to the large hall. Then she had to get by the mini-Balrogs. Hopefully they wouldn't bother her since she came from inside the staff section rather than trying to sneak in.

Very quietly she rounded the corner and – quickly, she pulled her head back. Someone was in the hall!

"I think some students are showing signs of progress," Miss Cam's voice echoed.

"Indeed," Thundera Tiger added. "Headmaster, may I just say what a great honour it is to meet you?"

"Thank you, Miss Cam and Miss Tiger. I trust you will stay on top of things," said a deep, male voice. Lina was quite sure she had never heard it before.

"But keep Gandalf out of the kitchens. He'll repopulate Middle-earth with a new species if we're not careful."

"We'll do our best, Headmaster," Miss Cam replied, her voice slipping away. Daring to look around the corner again, Lina spotted them heading up the stairs and into a large room marked 'Headmaster's office. No entry – that means you'.

So that was the Headmaster. But who was he?

"Lina, what are you doing here?"

She nearly had a heart attack as she heard the oh so familiar voice nearby, and spun around to face Gimli. The dwarf's face was blank as he regarded her.

"Come to try to sneak into Legolas's room?"

Her cheeks reddened. She honestly hadn't thought of that, but now the image of a sleeping, naked elf crept into her mind uninvited.

"I wasn't! I… Shit… Sauron locked me in the dungeon when I fell asleep in his class, all right? And I... Um.. fell asleep in there."

"Oh, it was you who fell asleep in Sauron's class," Gimli's face broke into a grin and his eyes lit up. "Bad hangover, eh? I keep telling the Elves their wine is not for humans, but they seem to think you'll acquire a taste for it. Come on, I have a good remedy for hangovers."

She trotted after him, trying to shake the image of Legolas in his birthday suit. She wondered what size – okay, better not go there, or she'd never lose the image.

"This is my room," Gimli announced as they had climbed up the stairs and taken a left. The door was rather small, and she had to bend down slightly to get in.

The room was filled with axes, rocks and charts over different mines. There were a few books, some with Elvish titles.

"Legolas is trying to cultivate me," Gimli said when he noticed her glance as she took a seat. "He has a big theory about how everyone has an inner Elf, and it's just a matter of luring it out."

"You think he's right?"

The Dwarf shrugged. "If he is right, maybe everyone has an inner dwarf as well."

He gave her a long look before reaching into a drawer and taking out a small vial.

"It is normally to cure beer hangovers, but I have found it works just as well on elven wine hangovers. You get a few of those when you spend time with Legolas. Just one drop, that'll clear your head."

The liquid tasted oddly like peppermint, but it took just a few seconds before she could feel her head clear. She leaned back in the chair and sighed.

"That's a nice necklace," Gimli remarked lightly.

She lifted her head to look at him, his clear deep eyes staring right into her soul.

"It was you, wasn't it?" she muttered.

"Don't know what you're talking about."

Her head was spinning again, but it felt rather nice this time. She tried to resist it nevertheless, but her body wanted to sleep. Her mind wanted to sleep.

She felt strong arms lift her up and lay her on the bed (amazingly strong when considering the size), and a gentle hand push her hair away from her face.

"Sleep, Lina."

And his gruff voice was the last thing she heard as sleep claimed her once more.


	19. Where There's a Way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Throning. A Miss Cam word, from the Norwegian word "tronet". It's the act of sitting as you would on a throne, looking like you own the world. So there, spread it, use it, make it appear in Oxford Dictionaries. ;)

She awoke to the smell of breakfast. A mix of bacon, eggs, something strangely forest-y, and newly baked bread were driving her brain mad. Definitely breakfast.

Opening her eyes, she stared up at the ceiling. It was closer than she remembered, and she couldn't quite recall having an axe by her bed, either.

Oh yeah.

"Oy," she muttered, feeling relieved that the hangover was gone at least. Lifting her head, she took in the room.

Sunlight came in through a window high up (or relatively high up, the room being rather low), filling the room and reflecting back from the polished weapons. It gave her the same feeling Sundays used to give her – calm, quiet and dignified.

There were no signs of Gimli, however. And the smell of breakfast was doing strange things to her mind. It was calling to her.

'Liiiiiiiiiina,' the smells said, 'come eeeeeat us.'

She wasn't even aware of getting up and trotting down the stairs, to the great hall where a table had been set. Suddenly she was just there.

Miss Cam was throning at the end of the table, attention fully on a book ('Courtship For EvilDoers: The Do and Don'ts'). Perhaps she wouldn't notice…

"Good morning, miss Holling."

"Umm… Hi."

"You better dig in before the hobbits come – you'd think with two breakfasts, they wouldn't clear the table at the first one, but they sure do. How so much food can fit into such a small being is beyond me."

Hesitantly, Lina reached for a bread – and nearly fell off the chair when it wriggled against her hand.

"BreadLegs," she muttered, patting her 'pet'. It seemed quite happy to see her again.

"Your pet came back last night. Must have tried to find a friend in the bread basket. You'll be interested to know it's been impossible to enter the student toilets ever since due to the wailing of the Witch-King. Oh, and your Striding 101 class has been slightly postponed until the lecture theater has been cleaned up, so take your time. There was a little – 'accident'," Miss Cam snickered. " Miss Amber and miss Whitney tried setting a trap for one of my mini-Balrogs. Sadly, the one they tried to capture was Gandlaf, and he's rather fond of his sleep, so waking him was not a great idea."

"My wonderful mini-map of Middle-earth all ruined," Aragorn sighed, dropping down on a chair. Lina hadn't even heard him enter. "I'd used hours perfecting it. Bilbo will not be happy, I used his kettle to make Barad-dûr."

"Oh yeah, one of the girls tried to throw that at Gandlaf, didn't she?" Miss Cam sounded slightly amused.

"Did he eat it?" Frodo asked, appearing out of nowhere on the chair next to Lina. She nearly choked on her bacon bit.

"Frodo, kindly don't do that. You know that drives Sauron mad," Miss Cam said, but she didn't sound terribly annoyed.

"Does it?" Frodo smiled innocently, exchanging a glance with the other hobbits that were coming down the stairs.

"Oh come on, he made Middle-earth miserable, we're just repaying the favour," Merry grinned, and managed to dive for the mushroom basket just ahead of Pippin.

"Yes, but we're the ones who have to live with the indoors thunderclouds suddenly appearing whenever you two have done something," Aragorn said and sent them a glare, then reached for the butter. "Good morning, Boromir."

"Good? Speak for yourself," Boromir replied, looking like he'd witnessed his own funeral. "Why did I have to have the room next to Faramir?"

"Because you're brothers?" Sam suggested. "Give me that mushroom bowl, Pippin, I was the one that found them."

"Him and Éowyn keep on going at it…" Boromir muttered. "Not a moment's peace. I keep telling them, Middle-earth is in no desperate need of re-population."

"There, there," Miss Cam said soothingly, just as Legolas entered, looking slightly haggard and with dirt all over.

"Dwarves," he muttered loudly enough for everyone to hear. "One of these days… 'Oh no, there is no danger of this cave collapsing. Oh no.'"

"It wouldn't have if all your little fans hadn't tried to follow us and digging through into the cave instead of locating the entrance," Gimli replied, walking in just a few feet behind.

Legolas just rolled his eyes. "Why did you have such a sudden urge to go there in the first place? Do you not have enough gems?" the Elf remarked, sounding sour.

Lina stared desperately at the table and didn't dare look up. She could feel eyes on her nevertheless.

"Oh," said Legolas, and now he sounded equally amused and joyful. "I see. That's wonderful Gimli, that is…"

"Shut up," the Dwarf muttered.

Lina still didn't dare look up, feeling her cheeks coloured. She more felt than saw Gimli taking a seat next to her and Frodo giggling on her other side.

There was a loud scream from the hallway, and they all watched Knight Obi run screaming past, clutching a book. Seconds later an old man on short legs (but very large arms) came running after her, yelling "Ghân-buri-Ghân will love you! He wants beautiful lady!" and mere seconds after that Saruman came running, yelling "My spell book!"

Everyone at the table looked baffled for a moment.

"I guess she tried making a spell to woe her particular choice of affection and that didn't go very well," Miss Cam said, hiding a smirk.

Then there was a loud crash and a yelp.

"I got it!" called Thundera Tiger from the entrance. "All is under control."

"You girls never give up, do you?" Aragorn said to Lina, who squirmed slightly in embarrassment.

"You know what they say – where there's a will, there's a way," she said lamely.

"Well, you know what I say," Miss Cam said briskly. "Where there's a way, there's a Miss Cam blocking it."


	20. The Smell of Smoke

"Come on, TELL me!" Dot urged for the gazillionth time, her eyes nearly drilling holes into Lina. "What's it like? Was Legolas as adorable in the mornings as he is at daytime? Come on, you gotta tell me!"

"There's not that much to tell," Lina said reluctantly, staring up at the ceiling. She had been cornered by a group of girls the moment she had entered the lecture theater with Aragorn (who had also been quickly cornered, but a few hard glares from the mini-Balrogs had chased most of them away), and her unwillingness to say much had only piqued their interest. By dinnertime nearly every girl in the University (and some of the boys) had been by to ask and pry for details.

A few even tried to bribe her to get the room location of their favourite. She'd been offered everything from free massages to nail polish, but she'd had no urge to tell. Strange, that. Just a few weeks ago she would probably have told anyone so many times they'd start to hate the story.

"Oh, you're hopeless! You spend a whole night there and tell me there's not much to tell? Did Caesar go to England and went 'I came, I saw and there was nothing much to see'? I think not. Tell us, you evil being."

"I slept most of the time."

"You're impossible," Dot sighed, and patted little BreadLegs who was trotting about on the floor, looking as happy as always and licking butter from the buttercup.

"I just didn't feel like sharing with the whole University, okay? It's…" she waved her hands. "It's like you don't share with anyone when you have little perfect moments, right? Because they wouldn't understand why it's perfect."

"You're being odd."

"Maybe I am," Lina replied softly. "Come on, we have an essay to write. Shit, I have two. Sauron gave me one and I better get cracking on it. Let's head for the library."

Truth be told, she wasn't quite sure what to tell. She felt dazed, and would catch herself fingering the chain around her neck every now and then. It felt so… Complicated, yet simple.

Hoo boy. Best to bury herself in Elven history for a while, or Elrond would duck her in mushroom scent (thus insuring a stream of hobbits following her wherever she went).

Dot followed reluctantly, probably remembering Elrond's threat. Sometimes the Elf Lord was worse than Sauron, which was saying a lot. It shouldn't really be humanly possible to be worse than Sauron, but then again Elrond was no human.

There was a slight ruckus at the library, with Jera and Rain fighting over a gardening book ('Become Master Gardner In Three Difficult Steps') and Syndarys mistaking Tex for Pippin ("Hobbits look the same when viewed from above!" the Elf girl vigorously defended herself with)

Then the hobbits versus elves paper fight broke out, and all the humans could do was take cover. And as always, fights drew in the Dark Lords like Tom Bombadil to a poetry reading. Morgoth sided with the hobbits (their species was after all ultimately responsible for the fall of Sauron) while Sauron rallied some of the human girls and a few from the Sisterhood of Evil. It didn't take long for the library to look like a battlefield, little towers of books everywhere.

Lina joined the hobbits just for good measure, enjoying throwing paper balls at some of the girls that had been pestering her earlier.

Of course the fun abruptly ended when the Librarian walked in and gave them all detention and set them all to clean up the mess (except Sauron and Morgoth, who split faster than you could say 'Hey, shouldn't you two help as well?').

"Hey, Dot, have you ever thought about who's Headmaster here?" Lina asked as she and Dot were sorting through some of the thrown books.

"You mean it isn't Gandalf?"

"No. He's assistant headmaster, I think."

Dot shrugged, then picked up BreadLegs. "I'll take it for a walk, maybe I'll lure Legolas out. He liked your pet, right?"

"Yeah. Just keep it out of the toilets," Lina cautioned. She really didn't want to be reminded of the whole Witch-Wall business (although she had the funniest feeling she would be, in some weird manner).

The library slowly emptied, soon leaving only Lina (who had an extra blasted essay to write). She heard someone else walk in, but did not really pay much attention until she smelled smoking. It was a distinguishable enough smell, reminding her of her grandfather. Pipe weed.

"Staying up late, Lina?"

She lifted her head, but couldn't really tell where the voice came from.

"Yeah…" she said hesitantly. A thought struck her. "You're the Headmaster, aren't you?"

"You can call me that," the voice said again. "Are you enjoying my world?"

"I think it's wonderful," fell out of her before she could think. "Except that it has a lot of painful things in it. And how no one has killed Tom Bombadil yet I'll never understand."

"Oh, he's harmless," the voice sounded amused, and Lina thought she detected a puff of smoke coming from the shadows.

"Have you heard his poems?" she replied.

The man chuckled, and this time she was sure she saw his pipe lit up.

"Consider it – payback."

She almost thought she heard a chuckle, then the door opened and closed again and she was alone in the library.

Only the smell of pipe weed lingered in the air for a long time.


	21. Flash Gimli

There are times when everything that can possibly go wrong, goes wrong. Well, not really, because if everything that could go wrong, went wrong, the world would have long since blown up. But there are times it *feels* like everything that can possibly go wrong, indeed goes wrong.

Like trying to sneak into the toilets very quietly and unnoticed because a certain Witch-Wall there has a crush on you, and then managing to lock yourself in there. Three hours of love poems and an extremely chatty wall can drive anyone nuts and is not a recommended way to start a day.

Then trotting off to get breakfast only to discover the hobbits have eaten everything while you were locked in the toilets, and have nearly eaten you pet as well (just because BreadLegs was a bread on legs, was no excuse for nearly eating it). Poor BreadLegs took an hour to stop shaking.

It doesn't help to then discover Toey must have snuck into the bedroom (or been left there by certain evil people), and an entire essay from the day before have been filled with sentences of the type "Teh Ewil Dark Lord ic a veri dangerus person tu annoi" and thus has to be redone.

Nor is it much fun to then have Gollum come a-calling, looking for his 'preciousss' and taking ages to find the blasted toe ring hidden in your underwear draw. Of course, when Gollum has finally trotted off, you discover some of your underwear is missing.

And that's just the start of the morning. Come lunchtime, your friends decide to get the information they want out of you with a tickle torture session. And because torture attracts Dark Lords like Dwarves to a mithril mine, the whole thing gets out of hand.

When you finally get away, you realise you have to use the toilet again, and a certain Wall is still wailing. Who would have known evil could be so… So wail-y? And capable of writing poetry so bad Tom Bombadil would be proud?

Just as you think nothing more can possible go wrong, you discover a certain Ent called LongPonder has mistaken your room for his Entwife's (not that Lotus was really his Entwife, but he was convinced such was the case and kept bringing her Entdroughts and wanting hugs) and can't tell you apart from his object of affection.

And finally, your pet wants to go for a walk and you get caught in a rainstorm.

That was the kind of day Lina was having. If more could go wrong, she wasn't really keen on knowing what. She didn't allow herself to utter the "What else can go wrong?" though, for as everyone know, that is an invitation to get a demonstration of just what else can go wrong. The gods/God/evil forces/whatever you believed in were nothing if not equipped with a sense of irony. It's a vital God-quality, that.

Ducking in under a tree, she decided to wait the storm out. She briefly wondered which of the Dark Lords had summoned it, or if Gandalf was working on his Which Weather Witch again (it was like a kitchen witch, only it was supposed to bring you good weather. Sadly, it seemed to want to do the opposite).

Shivering, she realised she was so wet there was not a dry spot on her. BreadLegs looked equally miserable, making its little "Oyoy" sounds (it could be her imagination, but she was sure BreadLegs were actually starting to pick up words) and staring up at her.

"Okay, let's run for it."

Three slips in the mud later and as wet as a drowned hobbit, Lina managed to stumble inside. Two slips on the floor later she reached her room, slammed the door open and pulled her top off.

There was a sharp intake of breath. Spinning around, Lina just prayed it wasn't…

Gimli was standing in the corner, looking like he had seen the promised land.

"Dot said I should wait for you here," he muttered. "I was... Umm…Coming by to invite you to… Umm… I'll just wait in the hallway."

He exited quickly, but she was sure she caught a smile on his lips just before the door closed behind him. Closing her eyes, Lina fell down on the bed. Great. This had to have been the day she had worn a white bra and there had to have been pouring rain as well.

BreadLegs snuggled against her chin in sympathy.

"Why do I look like a mess whenever Gimli or Legolas is around, BreadLegs? You think it's a curse?"

"Oyoyoy," BreadLegs replied.

"You're right about that," Lina grumbled. "Right. I'll just get dressed and act like this happens all the time in my world. After all, I heard some of the girls tried to flash Legolas, so…He'll heard of that. Maybe I can convince him it's just a form of greeting…"

Opening her closet, she tried to decide what to wear. The only problem was nothing much seemed to be clean. She had been telling herself to do the washing for days now, but she never really listened.

"What else can go wrong?" she groaned without thinking, wondering if Dot had anything she could borrow.

There was a second's silence.

"Oh shit! I didn't mean that, I really didn't…"

There was another second's silence, then she had the strangest sensation of flying, flying, flying… Oh shit. It was that day today.

'Note to self: Stay away from the windows at the Annual Ent-Tossers Championship,' she managed to think before the ground greeted her.


	22. Sneaky Solutions and Obvious Answers

Voices were slowly tuning in, like a radio being turned on.

"But he won though. Longest toss, even if he tossed Lina. It was a new record, too. He's insisting she gets half the prize."

"Perhaps that will comfort her."

Blinking, Lina tried to focus. It sounded like Gandalf and Miss Cam standing somewhere close. Why did… Oh yeah. The tossing. That would explain why she felt like she had died but her nerves hadn't, and kept on bringing pain.

"Ow," she said weakly.

"Ah, she's awake."

Gandalf's face came into view, looking all smiling.

"Congratulations, joined AETC-chmpion! The Ent are having an Entmoot right now to ponder how to put you in their 'Great Names of Ent History' list. I expect they shall have decided in a few years."

"Ah, right," Lina muttered and was relieved to realise she could wriggle her toes, even though it hurt so badly she almost wished she couldn't.

"You'll be fine after some rest," Miss Cam said briskly. "And both Thalia and Mithara is here to keep you company, having suffered some light injuries as well. Come on Gandalf, the healers are capable of taking care of her."

Gandalf gave Lina a merry smile and trotted off, leaving her to stare up at the ceiling.

"Lina?" someone whispered from the other side of the room.

"Hmm?"

"Does Ent-Tossing hurt?"

"Yes, Thalia, it does."

"Ah. I had managed to get the mini-Balrogs to sleep by giving them Elvish draughts – but I got my bum kicked by Arwen, catching me trying to sneak into Aragorn's room with a giant teddy bear filled with candy."

"Ow."

"Yeah."

"What happened to Mithara?"

"Oh, she snuck in after me and mistook Saruman's room for Legolas's, and Saruman was not happy being interrupted."

"Ow."

"Yeah."

There was a long silence, Lina trying to tell her body it didn't hurt that much, and her body insisting that 'yes, it did'. Lifting her head a bit, she glanced out the window.

It was a beautiful day, clear blue sky and clear white clouds.

The wind was lazily moving the clouds across the sky. Funny, they almost seemed to form words… The first one seemed to be an 'I', then for sure there was a 't', another 'i', an 's', then a uppercase 'T', an 'o', 'l', 'k', 'i', 'e' and finally 'n'.

She blinked. The clouds seemed to be changing again.

'C', 'o', 'u', 'l', d', 'w', 'e', 'b', 'e', '*', 'm', 'o', 'r', 'e', '*', 'o', 'b', 'v', 'i', 'o', 'u', 's', '?'

Hoo boy. How bad a blow to the head had she had anyway? Now the clouds were speaking to her. That could not be a very good sign.

She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, not even opening them when BreadLegs jumped up on her and begun making a comfortable bed out of her right arm.

"Oyoy-ow-oy?"

"Not too bad ow, BreadLegs," she replied lazily. Sure, she had been tossed for hundreds of feet (probably), and her body would rather be dead than suffer through the pain she was feeling now, and she might be going mad, but hey, she had gotten out of the indignity of having to wear either pink or orange wherever Gimli had planned to take her.

Oh shit. She had been thrown in her bra, hadn't she? Oh no. Especially if a certain Wall had seen it…

"Miss Lina?" came a hissing voice, and she looked up to see one of the Nazgûls standing by her bed. "For you."

Handing her a note, he slid out again, scratching up the floor with his sharp-point boots.

"Oh no," she groaned, already knowing who it was from. The Witch-Wall, of course. But she couldn't help but reading it, it was drawing her in like Ents to a singles gathering.

"Lina, my Lina, prettiest of all  
Why won't you hear my call?  
You and I meant to be  
This I clearly see  
You can always lean on me  
You're the lock, I the key  
And I'm awfully keen  
To have those breasts again seen."

"Oyoy-boy," BreadLegs said sympathetically.

"What did you get?" Thalia called out.

"Just a silly love poem."

"Ooooh. From the same person that gave you that flower?"

"What?"

"By your bed."

Turning her head, Lina saw that someone had indeed placed a flower by her bed. Only it wasn't really a flower, but something silver-ish shaped as a flower.

"No," she said softly.

"Miss Lina?" someone called from the window, and she looked out to see LeafyArms standing outside. "Shall we put your half of the prize in your room?"

"Sure," she replied, and focused her attention on the mithril-flower again. There could really only be one who had made that for her, and to her astonishment she felt a tingle in her heart.

She leaned back on the bed and clutching the flower, she tried to fall asleep.

That attempt lasted exactly five minutes until the door slammed open and Dot came marching in.

"Lina, why are there 200 copies of PlayEnt in our room?"

"What?"

"PlayEnt. To quote the magazine – 'Entwives as you have never seen them before'."

"Oh shit… That must have been the prize. Or rather, half the prize."

"And what the heck do we suggest we do with them?"

"I have no…" Lina began, suddenly stopping. She did have an idea! Of course! This would solve two problems in one go.

"It's quite simple, Dot…"

A few hors later, Lina was happily asleep, Syndarys was being chased by a mini-Balrog, Lily was trying to lure out the Urple Bandits (mainly the Pippin half though) with urple paint on sale and in the toilets the lights were still on.

With 200 copies of PlayEnt stacked by a drooling Witch-Wall.


	23. Congratulations, It's a Roll!

"… and thus we landed in Middle-earth," Galadriel said, looking out over the class. "Silver Rose, stop trying to picture Legolas naked. Incidentally, you're way off. Lyle, would you be as kind as not try to plot your evil plan right now? I realise you are a Valar in this world because you put it on your form, but you're still a student and Miss Cam can still 'kick your ass' I believe the term was, so pay attention. That goes for you too Alisha – and that's not even possible to do with a hobbit, you know. Okay…"

A few people groaned. Having a mind-reading lecturer was a real pain and completely ruined any attempt to not pay attention (which was what University classes were all about, after all). In the corner, Elrond looked smug and was hiding a somewhat evil grin. Haldir was not even trying to hide his.

"Celebrían, no, having my daughter's name will not make me go easy on you, and you may not hit on my son-in-law. Now, where was I? Ah, Middle-earth."

Lina knew she would probably get busted any minute by the piercing stare of Galadriel, yet she could not help but think about completely other things than the Elves's arrival in Middle-earth.

She was thinking about the fact that BreadLegs was asleep in her bed, the poor little bugger sick. And she had no idea what was wrong – what kind of sickness could a bread get anyway? Perhaps she ought to ask Gandalf.

She was thinking about how much she missed chocolate and comfort eating. Funny how you never realise how much you liked something until it was gone. She also missed a certain popular fizzy drink, although her teeth were probably holding a party. ('No more sugar! Whooo!' she could almost imagine them going).

She was thinking about the fact that the upcoming weekend were going to be busy as hell with two seminars – GrammarBootCamp (the mere word 'grammar' was troubling) and something on the Riders on Rohan and horsemanship (she had honestly not paid attention much, but Diane had been all fired up). The seminars weren't compulsory, but Miss Cam had smiling informed them anyone not up to participate was likely to find themselves being the ball in Sauron and Morgoth's upcoming Basketball Game of Hate.

But most of Lina was thinking about Gimli. The Dwarf seemed to be sneaking into her thoughts more and more these days. She didn't dare think about what it meant, because if she did so, she was afraid it would blow up. She had never really had anything like it ever before in her life, and it seemed so fragile.

Instead she had begun talking BreadLegs for walks at certain times, and she would find Gimli there in the garden. They'd talk about nothing and everything, and sometimes even Legolas would join them (although that usually led to a crowd of fangirls suddenly appearing and scaring the wildlife, but Miss Cam had hired Dark One Shadowphyre as head of outdoors security. It had taken a while for the girls to realise they were now dealing with a shape-shifter – no one had yet managed to sneak by).

"But Morgoth was strong and… Dot, spit out that gum. Whit, kindly do not even *think* about what Haldir is like in bed, it's very distracting. Lina…" Galadriel paused for a moment, then smiled. "Nevermind. Now, Haldir, would you be as kind as start your lecture on the elves of Lothlórien? Lina and I will be right back."

Startled, Lina looked up to see the Elf Lady glide towards her, motioning for them both to walk into the hallway.

"If I saw any of you in Lothlórien, I would have shot you on sight," Haldir was saying in a friendly tone as the door closed behind them.

"I'm sorry I was... Thinking of other things," Lina said lamely. "But Legolas told me a lot of the history of Elves just a few days ago, I wasn't being disrespectful or anything…"

"Lina, I wanted to talk to you for another reason. I understand you and Gimli are seeing a lot of each other these days?"

"Sort of," Lina mumbled.

"Yes. You're worried, though. What do you fear?"

"That this is a dream. That this world – that I can't leave it. And at the same time, that I'll have to."

Galadriel smiled, and patted her hand. "Now, should we have... What did Miss Cam call it? A talk about… Bees and… Bees and… What was that other thing? Bees and bats? Bees and honey?"

"The birds and the bees. I… I… Know all about that," Lina replied feeling her cheeks blaze.

"Perhaps so. My offer stands. You might find that Dwarves are quite different from humans in that aspect. By the way, that is the other thing I wanted to tell you. I know what is wrong with your pet."

"What?"

"Something quite natural, dear, and it relates to what we were just talking about. You will soon become a grandmother – of sorts."

Lina nearly fell over in surprise. "BreadLegs is pregnant?"

"Oh yes. Saw it in my mirror. In fact, I think she's about to give birth. Why don't we go have a look?"

Lina nearly ran up the stairs, Galadriel in tow (but the Elf managed to still look dignified and not in a hurry at all). The two reached Lina's room just as there was a loud "OY!" from inside.

"BreadLegs!" Lina exclaimed, and ran to the bed. Little BreadLegs were looking exhausted, but beaming as the proud mother she was. And snuggled close was a little roll, legged just like its mother was.


	24. The Hobbit Love Guide to Middle-earth

"So, who's the father?" Dot asked as they were walking towards class, Lina trying to stay awake (little RollFeet had kept both her and BreadLegs awake nearly all night).

"I'm not sure I want to know," Lina replied. "All the possibilities creep me out. I just hope it ain't the Witch-Wall, because the last thing we need is an evil roll with legs trying to plot taking over the world. Oh, what is it now?"

There was quite a little crowd outside the lecture theater, but no one made any sign of entering. Instead they were fighting to look inside, quite a few elbowing to get a better look.

"What's going on?" Lina called.

"Sauron defied the restraining order!" Darhyl replied without looking away from the door. "He was trying to take the Ring from Frodo when Morgoth came, and well…"

"It's MY Ring!" Sauron yelled, and there was a puff of smoke from the lecture theater.

"No, it's Master Frodo's now," came the brave voice of Sam.

"Shut up, I will eat you alive, you little upstart! Morgoth, *why* are you protecting them?"

"Yes, I wonder why," came Morgoth's dry voice. "Let's see, you get the Ring, you become more powerful, start prancing about as if you rule the world… I think not."

"You're protecting halflings! They're forces of good! And you call yourself a Dark Lord!"

"Hey, they're huggable. Just because I'm evil doesn't mean I'm blind."

"Oh, you tardy maggot…"

"Like you really only want the Ring yourself, you weasely drool…"

"Excuse me, coming through…" Miss Cam announced, walking through the crowd and into the theater. "Sauron! Need I remind you that there is a restraining order preventing you from coming near Frodo?"

"I AM A DARK LORD! I laugh in the face of restraining orders! I…"

"Do I need to get the Headmaster?" Miss Cam calmly replied.

There was a long silence.

"Fine," Sauron hissed. "Morgoth, may I have a few words with you?"

The two Dark Lords came marching out, and the crowd began to quietly fill into the lecture theater. Sam and Frodo had taken cover behind the desk, and were now peeking up.

"Saved from a Dark Lord by another Dark Lord," Frodo said relieved. "Who would have thought?"

"So now you're going to be hiding me again now, aren't you?" The Ring said bitterly. "Just so you won't tempt Sauron."

"Shut up. I'm not forgetting you started telling Sauron to keep me locked up in his dungeon for your amusement." Taking a deep breath, the hobbit smiled at the class (and quite a few swooned). "Ah, welcome to Platonic Love 101 once again. We apologise for that little delay…"

"We apologise for being busy cuddling," the Ring shot in.

"Do I really have to get Merry and Pippin and ask them to turn you urple?"

There was no answer.

"Okay, now you have all handed in your essays, and remember, finals are not far off now. You will need to prove you have understood platonic love for that. Now, Sam and I know you've had problems grasping the concept…"

There was a low, worried murmur.

"But we are confident you will study hard and pass, aren't we, Sam?"

"We sure are. I mean, you wouldn't want to disappoint *us*, would you?"

And then they both stared puppy-eyed at the class, smiling their most adorable smiles.

"Awww," the crowd went.

"I think we're being emotionally blackmailed into studying hard," Lina whispered.

"Yes, and it's working!" Dot whispered back.

"Remember, platonic is the word. And there is no such thing as platonic sex, miss Elvea, despite your convincing argument that sex and love are connected."

"You say it so well, Frodo."

"Thank you, Sam. Now remember, this subject is a prerequisite for Male Bonding 202 with Legolas and Gimli and I'm quite sure you don't want to miss that – do you miss Holling?" Frodo said and exchanged a telling look with Sam.

Lina sank down on her chair, thankful most of the chicks would probably think Frodo meant she wouldn't want to miss Legolas. Not that she wanted to miss Legolas, he was still hot and yummi, but Gimli… Oh, blasted. Why were things so complicated?

"With that in mind, we've developed a little love guide for Middle-earth. The chart please, Sam."

Sam hoisted up a chart with a lot of names and arrows on.

"As you can see, this tells you what kind of love these different people share. Sam and I, for instance, platonic love. Aragorn and Arwen, destined love."

"Legolas and Gimli, interspecies platonic love and friendship," Sam went on. "Éowyn and Faramir, 'let's do it every night and not let anyone n the vicinity of our room get any sleep love'. Aragorn and Boromir, admiration and brotherly love. Galadriel and Celeborn, high, noble love and lots of skinny-dipping in Lothlórien's fountains. Aragorn and Legolas, as if."

"Too right," Frodo muttered. "Okay, Morgoth and Sauron, we don't even want to go there. Merry and Pippin, urple banditry. Gandalf and anyone, he's a Maia, enough said. Sauron and anyone, ew ew. And no, he has no daughter."

"Yes, ew. I think that covers most of the pairings we could think of."

"Should we tell them about Legolas/Frodo, Boromir/Frodo and all those?" Syndarys whispered.

"Better not, we could scar them for life," Cerridwyn replied. "And they look so happy for having it all covered."

And true, Sam and Frodo seemed to be beaming proudly, sure they finally had got the message across. Smiling so beautifully, no one wanted to break that mood (after all, you didn't see Sam and Frodo happy that often in the books or the movies. It was truly a sight to behold).

"Library afterwards?" Dot suggested.

"Yup," Lina replied.

And who says emotional blackmail never works?


	25. Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge

For once, the whole class was utterly silent, for the feared word "test" had been uttered.

"That's right, kiddies, a test of whether you can all spell the names right or not. We're having it right now, and don't even think about cheating. I have Shadowphyre lurking among you, and remember: Shape-shifters can be anything. If I catch a cheater – my mini-Balrogs are quite eager to learn how to play soccer and won't mind a live ball. By the way, thanks to one of you, I have a new mini-Balrog. His name is Legoals. And believe me, he bites."

Legoals snapped at the air just to prove he did indeed.

"We shall begin with the members of the fellowship, and remember kiddies, in this world there were only *nine* members, got it? Anyone who dares to put their own name down shall have the joy of being turned into a pony."

"She's in an unusually cranky mood," Dot whispered.

"The latest Morgoth/Sauron fight led to a lightning strike on her chocolate supply, and she's been cranky ever since," Lina replied, wincing. Poor chocolate.

"Ouch. How do you know this?"

"Gimli told me this morning."

Before Dot could ask more (and Lina could see she was dying to), Miss Cam cleared her throat.

"Start… NOW!"

There was a rush as everyone grabbed some paper and began writing. Quite a few seemed to be counting on their fingers as they went along.

"Good. Next up, Galadriel's family. Spouse, daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter. More than two names of Aragorn, and no, 'Aragorn' does not count as one of the two. Boromir's family – father and brother, and no, Aragorn is not the brother, you movie-goers."

"But… but I thought this was a test in how to spell the names, not if we knew them?" Kara asked bravely.

"How silly of me – I should have clarified that if you don't know the names, Legoals and Grimli have this new game they'd like to try. It's called 'Drowning in mud no one can hear you scream'. Okay then, the creator of the Silmarils. Morgoth's original name. Five typical Dwarf names, five typical Elf names and five typical hobbit names. Any of the Fellowship does not count."

"Someone get that woman some chocolate," Lina whispered.

It was a very mentally exhausted crowd that finally trotted out of the theater some time later, shaking their heads.

"Who the heck was Frodo's father?" asked Starr, looking miserable.

"Drogo," Tex replied.

"What kind of name is *that*?"

"So Lina, what did you mean by 'Gimli told me'?" Dot asked as they began walking towards their room.

"That he told me."

"I get that, but when?"

"Oh, you know, this morning."

"Since when do you see Gimli in the mornings?"

"Since... Umm... Bumped into him, that's all."

Just as they entered the first floor hallway, there was a big swoon.

Legolas was coming walking up to them (and with Gimli in tow, though hardly any of the girls noticed that as usual), looking like a cat ready to spring.

Kiore fainted dead away (in the direction of Legolas, but sadly was a little late and fell to the floor behind him with a thud). A few others looked ready to stampede.

"Lina, I was looking for you. There is a certain cave project you were supposed to help us with, *wink, wink*?" Legolas said, just a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

"You don't say *wink, wink*, you actually wink," Gimli muttered, looking like he'd rather be facing a horde of Orcs and Dark Lords.

"Gimli, let me handle this. I've studied up on human courtship, I know how you do this. Besides, it's time you made a move. By the time Dwarves are ready to do their first date, whole cities have been created and ruined again. You make *us*, the Elves, seem hasty."

Lina wished she cold sink into the floor. Thankfully, the other girls were too distracted by Legolas's appearance to even notice her discomfort.

"Lina, if you would join us near the staff section at sunset, we can start the project, *nudge, nudge*."

"I'm going to kill you, Legolas," Gimli muttered.

"Okay," Lina replied, wishing her voice weren't faltering quite so much.

"See? How hard was that?" Legolas beamed, and the crowd of first-floor girls were growing, whispering and pointing. "Remember, Legolas is a good name to call a kid, *nudge, wink, nudge*."

"That's it, I want my 'Human Courtship' book back," Gimli replied.

"Your 'How to Make That Special One Swoon' book as well?"

"Legolas!" Gimli hissed. "I'll… Umm... See you tonight, Lina. Um, Legolas, how do you plan getting out of here without being stampeded now?"

Legolas frowned, staring at the growing crowd that were eyeing him like a hungry lion eyes its prey.

"Surely they won't…" he got out before the crowd moved as one, charging forward.

"That's the last time we do anything your way," Gimli groaned as the crowd came at them.

It took an hour to get everyone back to their rooms, especially as the rumour of a Legolas sighting on floor one spread. Quite a few girls got caught in the stampede as well, poor Jules was nearly squished. Luckily, she was rescued by Legoals.

The mini-Balrog seemed to find her very nice, and wandered off with her to its secret lair.

Legolas and Gimli had of course sneaked off in the initial confusion, for as everyone knows, a stampede is full of holes and is the worst way to catch your prey (or lust object).

And Lina – Lina was not seen more that evening, for when Dwarves finally do make a move, *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*.


	26. Cupid-Legolas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Every name spelled wrong in _Rings_,  
> a MiniBalrog gets its 'wings' "  
> \- The Philosopher At Large, in a comment to my story

There are good days, and there are bad days. There are not-too-bad days and days that should have been spent in bed. There are spectacular days and horrid, horrid days. There are even days so horrid it's not even possible to imagine – and then there are days that are so spectacularly good that you can't imagine that either.

And that was exactly the kind of day Lina was having, and the sun had barely risen yet. Sadly, it was time to try to sneak back to her bedroom – hopefully undiscovered (it had taken them some time to relocate her clothes, though).

"That was…" Gimli said, grinning like a maniac.

"Yeah," Lina replied, wearing the same silly grin. They both giggled slightly as Gimli opened the door for her.

"Who would have thought a dwarf was so… So…?" she trailed off.

"Long lasting?" Gimli suggested with a glimmer in his eyes.

"You got that right…" she chuckled and tried to remind herself she had class soon and *had* to go.

"See you soon?" he offered, and she smiled warmly.

"You betcha!" she exclaimed and with one last look she skipped down the stairs. Life was great! Life couldn't be better! Life was…

She nearly tripped over herself as she saw a dark shape move out of Sauron's room, heading for the entrance to the rest of the University. She couldn't see who it was, the hall was dark and filled with shadows.

"See you next week, my love," Sauron called out.

What the…? Sauron, Mr. Evilness himself, with a girlfriend? Or boyfriend, best to keep an open mind. An itfriend maybe? Hey, this could be interesting… Possible blackmail possibility too – Morgoth would surely enjoy teasing Sauron endlessly for calling anything 'my love'.

"Good morning Sauron!" she called out. "See you in class!"

There was a loud bang from his room, and a loud curse – sounded like he had hit his head against something. Giggling, she skipped on. Life was FANTASTIC!

"Skipping cheerfully this early in the morning leads to great pain, my dear," Miss Cam said, suddenly walking out of the shadows, looking grim. "You wouldn't want me to kill you, now would you?"

She eyed Lina. "Ah, it's that way, is it? Come on, you can borrow some clothes from me. You won't get into your floor anyway, it's temporarily sealed off."

"Why?"

"The infrastructure is unstable. We think someone mistook Gandalf's book of cooking experiments for Gandalf's book of spells, and they tried making… Something. I'm not quite sure what it was, or if I want to know. It sort of melted into the floor and… Yeah, messy. Your pets are fine, miss Dot took care of them."

"Good morning Miss Cam and Lina – what a *surprise* to see you here," Legolas came strolling out, looking perky. "So I take it you and Gimli…"

"Yes, yes," Lina cut in before Legolas could utter some misunderstood human jargon.

"That's wonderful!" Legolas declared. "The first step in my plan has worked. Not that I'm not happy for Gimli, but this means one less chasing me. One by one, I shall get them all to like someone else. I came up with it last night, even made a list of all those I need to 'play Cupid for', was that the term?"

"Close enough. But that can take forever," Miss Cam pointed out.

"I'm an Elf, I have eternity."

"Heeeeeeeelp…" came a weak voice from somewhere above, and Miss Cam sighed.

"I suppose I better rescue miss Jules from Legoals before she gets 'Balrogged' and all. Won't be long."

Just then Sauron peeked out of his room, looking like he was ready to flatten a whole city.

"Would you all SHUT UP! I need my evilness-sleep, to get that proper evil look."

"Shut up YOURSELF!" Morgoth called back.

"I'm not the one making all the noise!"

"Yes, you SNORE!"

"I DO NOT!"

"And here we are, a typical morning," Legolas grinned, "all we need now is…"

"AIIIIII!"

There was a scream from the entrance, and the mini-Balrogs cackled gleefully.

"Yes, someone trying to sneak in. There we are, a typical morning here at the staff section at OFUM. You better get used to it," Legolas warned, but with a smile. It occurred to Lina how relaxed he seemed now, compared to all those times the girls were chasing him.

"I suppose so. Dot's going to kill me, though. No way I can sneak back unnoticed now." She sighed. "Oh well. Maybe I can pretend I was kidnapped by a mini-Balrog also."

"Dot?" Legolas reached for his pocket and took out some folded paper. Unfolding it, it turned out to be a list. A very long list. "Dot, yes, she's on my list. I was thinking she might like Hans, the foreign exchange student – No, wait, Hans is on my list also."

Miss Cam came walking back, brushing off some dust. "There – anyone seen Galadriel since yesterday?"

"She's still flat out after that horrible ordeal in class," Celeborn informed them, walking out from a room nearby. "All those hormones and mental pictures…"

He shook his head sadly.

"She was muttering about how large feet didn't necessarily mean a very large hobbithood. I was afraid to ask what she meant."

"Dear oh dear," Miss Cam muttered. "I'm sure she'll feel better soon, Celeborn. It's just the shock. Just – Legolas, do not mention your desire to play Cupid near any fangirls, would you? The mental pictures that would cause them to have could easily put poor Galadriel in a coma."

"Yes, Miss Cam."

"Who's playing Cupid?" Sauron asked, walking up to them looking his usual sour self. "Are you talking about me?"

"Oh no," Celeborn muttered.

There came *that* mental image.


	27. BreadLegs and the Bun Cake

"This – this sucks," Do complained, stepping into mud and groaning.

"We're supposed to learn survival skills," Lina reminded her.

"Why don't he learn us that inside, where it's nice and dry?"

"But see, out here there are no mini-Balrogs," Thalia said in a low whisper. "So when we stop, I can just jump him and…"

"Dream on," Darhyl broke in. "You'll have to get past me first."

"I am faster than you!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

The two went on arguing, and Dot and Lina quickly caught up with Kelly and Jo instead (who were arguing about best way to attract an Elf). Most had no strength to say much however, looking quite tired. Quite a few were looking sadly down at their ruined shoes. Apparently wearing high heels were not the best idea. Nor mini-skirts, no matter how sexy you might want to look to draw in Aragorn. He was striding in front, looking like he had done nothing else in his life (which wasn't far from the truth).

"What the heck brought this on anyway?" Dot groaned.

"Don't you remember? Someone said that the trip to Rivendell took one day from Bree, and that from Rivendell to Moria it took only a few days."

"Oh yeah. Who would have known that it actually took weeks and months?" Jo complained. "And that he actually wanted to prove it didn't take a day."

"Haven't we walked for a day yet?" Eryn Mari muttered.

"Yeah, and we had no second breakfast," Magda complained. "Or elevenses."

"You know, I think the hobbits are becoming too hobbit-y for their own good," Lina said in a low voice. "They'll go back to our world and don't wear shoes and eat seven meals a day."

"Hey, at least they'll keep McDonalds in business. But imagine the Sisterhood of Evil back in our world…"

"Eh," Lina replied. "They'll all be hired by Microsoft, and after all, how much *more* evil can that be?"

She patted BreadLegs and RollFeet, who were peeking out of her backpack and making excited sounds. They liked little outings, especially since they didn't have to do any of the walking themselves.

"Good point."

Aragorn signaled that they should stop, and climbing up at a tall rock he looked over the class. Even the elves were looking miserable ("My beautiful elven hair," Georgia complained).

"Now, we have walked for hours and hours, and you see how little distance we have covered. Trips through Middle-earth is not a picnic, you just don't 'tag along' on a hunch, unless you are a terrible cute hobbit no one can say no to. It's a dangerous land, a dangerous…"

He noticed a few of the girls eying him and seemed to lose his trail of thought for a moment.

"Dangerous land, as I said, with…Mmany dangers…Eh..."

A few of the girls were definitely circling him now, for it seemed the wild only added to his rugged manliness and it was beckoning to them.

"What is this, a ranger caught off his guard?" came a soft voice a Arwen slid out of the shadows. Behind her came Glorfindel, looking disappointed. (But Chiara and Pachebel brightened)

"Must you take every scene?" he complained bitterly. "I'm not asking for much here, just one good line. Just one."

"Arwen!" Aragorn said relieved. "Where were you this morning?"

"Someone locked me in the broom closet," Arwen replied, sending a few of the girls pointed looks. "And when I find out who, I shall do some embroidery – but not on cloth."

She smiled sweetly, and eyed the closest girls very carefully. "I am here now, in any case. Just in time to save the situation."

"Again," Glorfindel muttered bitterly.

There were a few resigned sighs.

"But hadn't we traveled very far?" asked Thalia and stared at her ruined shoes.

"No, I've been leading you in circles an you didn't notice. No one is born with knowledge of the wild. The University is a few hundred feet that a-way. Class dismissed," Aragorn replied, and smiled at Arwen. "That line is so sexy, my darling…"

"That was utterly pointless," Taiya complained.

"Speak for yourself," Chiara replied and she and Pachebel set course for Glorfindel.

"We think you're hot even without any lines…"

"At least BreadLegs and RollFeet had a blast," Lina said, letting the two lick some more butter.

"Any closer in solving the parental question? BreadLegs might have a case for alimony, you know," Dot pointed out.

"I'm going to ask Gandalf tomorrow morning, when I… Before the seminars start, I mean."

"What is with you? You were kidnapped by a mini-Balrog, hardly complained at all, has sounded cheerful ever since, and what the heck were you discussing with Galadriel this morning?"

"I was just – you know, worried about her. She had a terrible ordeal."

"No, no. I heard you mentioning something about 'pleasure spots' and you two couldn't stop giggling for an hour."

Lina just smiled as they entered the University, thinking happily about just what she was going to use the knowledge Galadriel had passed on for. Hoo boy.

They entered the room, and Lina more felt than saw the presence in her room. There, on the bed…

"Oyoy-daddoy," RollFeet muttered excitedly.

"Oh no," Lina groaned. "Not *you*. Anyone but you. And how did you impregnate BreadLegs anyway?"

"I can change shape. She was just so irresistible, I just… I became a bun cake, and we made sweet love… Ah, my BreadLegs."

Lina sighed.

"Toey, if RollFeet starts spreading bad spelling, I'm going to kill you."


	28. Nobody Expects the Orcish Inquisition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to The Philosopher At Large, who came up with the whole Dernhelm plot. Good one, Oh Brilliant One!  
> Oh, and blatant Monty Python shout-out ahead!

Lina slipped quietly into the crowd that morning, nervously making sure she had put her clothes on the right way. Her hair was all tussled, but with so many looking like they had been dragged out of bed, it didn't stand out too much.

Phew. All this sneaking back and forth was becoming a bit of a hassle. Still, it had been a most interesting night, most interesting…

"Welcome to the completely voluntarily seminars this weekend," one of the people on the podium was saying. A Rider of Rohan, clear grey eyes looking over the crowd. The hair was hidden by a helm, and the rider seemed slightly smaller in stature than most men. "By completely voluntarily we mean an ass-kicking for anyone who does not participate. I am Dernhelm, I will be teaching…"

"He's rather cute," Jules said, winking.

"Oh yeah," another girl agreed. "Yummyiness central."

Dernhelm looked amused, and it suddenly occurred to Lina the name was very familiar. Dernhelm – who was that again? It had been in the books…Dernhelm, Dernhelm – oh yeah! The Rider that Merry had met. What had that deal been again?

"I'd like a few minutes alone with him," the girl giggled on.

"No, you don't!" Faramir said at the back of the crowd (having hidden behind some girls, who of course didn't notice him – movie two was yet to be released, after all), looking slightly upset.

"Faramir, I can handle this myself," Dernhelm replied, but he paid no heed and marched up on the podium and suddenly the rider was on the receiving end of a passionate kiss (also known as 'marking the territory by means slightly more attractive than pissing').

"Eh?" said Jules, looking stunned. "Isn't he with Éowyn?"

"I am Éowyn," Dernhelm replied calmly, untangling herself. "This seminar is on Riders of Rohan *and* how to be a strong female character and not 'suck at it' I believe Miss Cam called it."

"And meanwhile I, with the help of the lovely Shadow, will be holding GrammarBootCamp," Miss Cam cut in. "One you're/your mistake and *you're* running to Rivendell and back."

"You better believe it," Shadow replied, looking like Christmas had come early (even though there was no Christmas in Middle-earth).

"We'll take half, and you take half, and we swap halfway through the day," Miss Cam suggested. "First names that start with A till M with Dernhelm, N till Z with us two."

"Oh no," Nikki muttered, . "Why did she have to split at M? Why? WHY?"

"Now, let us begin with why Legolas will never say 'shit' no matter how angry he was, okay little ones?" Shadow said in a friendly voice (the friendly voice that actually suggest 'I am rather hungry and I wouldn't mind having *you* for dinner, but if you behave I might settle for a nibble').

Lina sent Nikki a sympathetic look as she trotted away with the A-Ms, for surely GrammarBootCamp was the invention of pure evil. Ultimate evil, even. Wait a minute…

"Faramir, I can handle the rest," Éowyn said as they trotted towards the stables ahead of the crowd.

"I know, but maybe you get to have a lunch break and…" he smiled and winked (Lina made a note to tell Legolas to have a chat with Faramir for proper winking usage. If the Elf truly was going ahead with his matchmaking plan, he had to be a bit more subtle than he was – she had seen him this morning practicing 'perhaps you would like to take her home for coffee, *suggestive stare*?').

"I like the sound of that…"

There was a loud groan. Startled, Lina looked up to see it come from the toilet windows. Who the heck was groaning… Oh. The Witch-Wall.

"And don't you forget it!" Éowyn called up, getting a hot look from Faramir.

"Banishing evil is so sexy, you know. Can I be the naughty Witch King tonight?"

Line blinked and tried not to picture that. Although maybe – she giggled.

"Lina, where were you last night?" Dot came walking over. "You just vanished with Toey, BreadLegs and RollFeet last night– what did you do?"

"Had them married," Lina replied absentmindedly. "Toey insisted – I got them a shelf in the staff section for now. They're honeymooning, Toey even put up a 'If the shelf is a-rocking, don't come a-knocking' sign, and the mere thought nearly had Galadriel down again. Me and… Umm... I looked after RollFeet for the night."

"Oh dear. You actually think that marriage will work?"

Lina shrugged. "They're in love. She 'oyoy'ed her consent. Who am I to stand in the way?"

"Yes, but an evil toe ring and a bread with legs?"

"Sauron came in and objected, actually. Then Morgoth objected to his objection, and Sauron objected to the objection of the objection… And the marriage went ahead while those two argued. Sauron tried to look gloom, but with him having a girlfriend and everything…"

"Sauron has a girlfriend?" Dot gasped.

"Or something-friend. Who would actually go after a Dark Lord? Although he probably has his good sides... Ummm... Evil attractive sides."

"Ew, Lina, don't make me go there. Where do you get all this from anyway? You're like gossip central and don't even advertise it. If I didn't know better I'd think you had moved into the staff section."

"What a silly notion," Lina grinned, just as there was a loud drum roll. Three Orcs came striding out, looking as serious as accountants telling you your tax deductions.

"Miss Holling, Sauron, Lord of the Earth sent us to 'intimidate into not revealing that I have a girlfriend, but subtly'. Oh, I shouldn't have said that, should I? I'll start again. We are the Orcish Inquisition…"

And they get no further, because the crowd was on the ground laughing so hard it was said it scared off crows miles away, leaving the Orcs and the Middle-earthians looking baffled.

"That's the last time we ask Saruman what humans consider scary," the Orc muttered, miffed.


	29. That's Amore...

Lina was beginning to wonder if she had not discovered the ultimate evil, and that it was in fact – GrammarBootCamp. Grammar rule upon grammar rule; there was no end to it.

"Are we all clear on through/threw now? Or shall I get out my Balrog-whip? We are clear? Okay then. Why quotation rules are not optional. Shadow, take it away," Miss Cam smirked.

Sighing, Lina reached for another sheet of paper to take notes on. The Riders seminar had been pretty fun, after Éowyn had demonstrated her skills by kicking the collective asses of the Orcicsh Inquisition.

"Excuse me…" Thundera Tiger walked through the crowd, leaning in to whisper in Miss Cam's ear.

"Five? You're kidding me?" Miss Cam looked astonished.

"No, five new mini-Balrogs. Legols, Arogoin, Gandulf, Gimili and Sarumain."

Miss Cam shook her head. "I think we will have to keep What's In a Name 101 for next semester also. Good grief. I'll go have a chat with the Headmaster, Shadow give them the completely voluntarily test – if you fail or refuse to take it, kiddies, I will use you to break in my new mini-Balrogs."

"Okay… Use their/there/they're in three sentences, showing me you know the meaning and differences. Tell me why 'ur' is not a proper word, that's U-R…"

Shadowphyre droned on for what seemed like hours (it was in fact only minutes, but no one had a working watch to prove it) before the crowd could finally leave, staggering towards their rooms.

"That was – not fun," Dot complained. "What a weekend. At least next weekend there's the great 'First Age costume party'. I'm going as a leaf from one of the Two Trees. What about you?"

"I'm not sure yet," Lina replied, looking up to see Sauron come marching towards her, followed by Merry and Pippin, and trailing at the end, Morgoth.

"Miss Holling, would you KINDLY tell these two…These… Miserable excuses for living beings that I am not involved with Morgoth!"

Merry and Pippin giggled wildly.

"I know you two painted 'Sauron and Morgoth = Lordy love' in urple on my door. I know it!" Sauron hissed. "I am not involved with Morgoth! The mere thought makes me violently sick!"

"Yeah, me too," Morgoth added. "I have certain standards. I do not indulge myself with drool."

Merry and Pippin looked like they would burst into laughter at any moment, despite the fact that being flanked by two Dark Lords is not really a situation you want to be in.

"Yeah, exactly," Sauron replied. "So miss Holling, would you tell them it was not Morgoth you saw… Wait, I am no drool! You agreed to sort this out without any insults!"

"I must have lied. My bad."

"You…"

"I didn't see who it was," Lina said hastily. "It was dark, early in the morning…"

Dot sent her a curious look.

"And Pippin and I have no idea who would do such a cruel thing as painting on your door, Mr. Sexbeast – I mean Mr. Evilness. No idea at all, no."

"Good one, Merry."

"Shut UP!" Sauron bellowed. "One of these days, I will get you two. I will. And then you will know the true wrath of a DARK LORD!"

"Is it as intense as the love of a Dark Lord?" Pippin asked innocently, then he and Merry bolted and had vanished before Sauron could even open his mouth in outrage.

"Oh those…" Sauron muttered ad Morgoth smirked. "You! You may have won the basketball game of hate, but you shall not beat me! I am the one true Dark Lord. I am Sauron, Lord of the Earth…"

"Goes with being the biggest worm there is," Morgoth said dryly. "Miss Holling, if you ever tire of a certain Dwarf, my door is open. Unlike Sauron here, *I* have standards and…"

"Shut UP! You're old and have the sex appeal of a goat…"

"Your wonder worm is the size of an actual worm…"

Lina and Dot hurriedly wandered off, knowing that when the Dark Lords was in that mood, it didn't take long before things started blowing up and falling down.

"So what did he mean 'if you ever tire of a certain Dwarf'?" Dot asked. "If he means what I think he means…"

"What were those two fighting about now?" Lyle came sliding up, looking as dark and sinister as always.

"Sauron's sex appeal," Lina replied, steeling her brain against that image by fiercely repeating grammar rules in her mind.

'The apostrophe is used to indicate possession, as in the case of Sauron's sex appeal – No, not that image…' her mind thought and then whimpered.

"What about his sex appeal?" Lyle smiled.

Lina regarded her. Surely not… Although, add a dark cloak and the size would be right. No – overactive imagination. Overactive, scarred-for-life imagination.

"See you tomorrow morning maybe?" Lyle added, and slid away, leaving Dot and Lina to stare at each other.

"Did she mean what I think she meant?"

"I think she did."

"I think you're right."

"I don't want to think about that."

They both shuddered.

"The love bug sure has bitten many here," Dot said, and sent Lina a look. "I am not blind, you know."

"I know," Lina looked down at the floor.

"So Gimli eh?"

"You know, Dot you may not know this, but…"

The two walked up the stairs, Lina whispering in Dot's ear as her friends eyes grew wider and wider.

"NO way!"

"Way."

"Wow. Maybe I should get myself a Dwarf…"

"Yep."


	30. The State of Evil

There are two words every University student know and fear: Assignment – and exams.

"What the heck happened to all my time?" Dot complained one late night as they were deep in books at the library, surrounded by almost all the other students.

"You used it to stalk Legolas, remember?" Lina replied, flipping a page.

"Shut up. You weren't any better, you know. But vacation will be nice – a whole fortnight off, how *nice* of them to give us so much time. Hah! And I suppose you will be off somewhere with Gimli that whole two weeks?"

Lina only chuckled softly, looking through her platonic love notes.

"I shouldn't have lent my notes to Rain and Kala," she remarked. "Every time I have written Sam's name, she has put a heart around his name. And Kala has written 'Frodo is evil' at the bottom of all the pages."

"Frodo? Adorable little hobbit Frodo?"

"Yep."

"Riiight."

"Didn't you say just a moment ago that he and Sam were evil for giving you an exam in the first place?"

"Shut up, or I will hit you with my 'All You Need to Know About Elves' book."

"The one you need to have a crane to lift?"

RollFeet nibbled affectionately at the notes, while BreadLegs and Toey (he had promised to not spread bad spelling for the day, though) were somewhere under the desk. Quite a little peaceful afternoon, really, which usually meant things would start exploding any moment. Too quiet was never a good sign.

Lina just didn't quite expect it to come in the shape of the Nazgûls walking in, as sinister as always, except that one of them looked so paled he was hardly black at all.

"What's up with them?" Tabby asked, looking as if she was ready to flick her gum at them.

"Nazgûl Three eat cooking of Gandalf's," one of the Nazgûl said. "Beginning to turn white. Not scary. We look for book how to fix it. Sauron say Nazgûl cannot ask Gandalf for help. That not evil."

"Okay then," Lina muttered, shaking her head. The Nazgûl in question did seem to turn whiter as she regarded him. "Why not ask Saruman?"

"Saruman busy trying to turn Witch King into proper Nazgûl again."

"Oh…" Lina was not quite sure she liked that prospect. He was hard enough to avoid when he was a wall, and actually walking around… She shuddered.

"How are we supposed to pass all this?" Dot complained. "Sauron's probably flunk us all just to prove he is evil, Elrond requires encyclopaedia knowledge, Aragorn's wilderness expedition will probably have us all eaten by wild wolves, and platonic love is so *hard*."

"At least no What's In a Name? exam," Lina replied.

"Oh yeah, because we'll get that subject next semester also. Real comforting."

"Hey, might lead to less mini-Balrogs so you can more easily sneak into the staff section."

"There's an idea," Dot said dreamily. "That new one – Celebrain – ate my 'Enjoying Platonic Love' book, and I was just passing by!"

Lina just grinned, and made a little heart of her own in the notes. Not with Sam's name, though.

"Grin it up, Miss Free-Access. One of these days someone will be desperate to make you lead them into that section under threat of 'urple-dom'."

"Oh, Cerridwyn already tried that, threatening to paint me urple. Didn't go very well. Grimli and Legoals, the wonder duo, were on guard." Lina sniggered. "They have the biggest catch record, you know. And they don't appreciate being spilled urple pain on."

"Ow."

"Yeah. There's a prize for whoever catches the most people trying to sneak in, actually."

"What's the prize?"

"A little mini-abyss to rule."

They both threw a look at the poor whitening Nazgûl, who were starting to look like the Ice Cream-Nazgûl.

"Why did he eat it anyway? Gandalf's cooking is like a environmental threat."

The Ice Cream-Nazgûl sent her a sour look. "Little halflings say Nazgûl Three no dare. Hah! Nazgûl Three always dare."

"The quality of evil minions these days," Gami (sitting at the table behind) said in a sad voice, shaking her head.

"Disgraceful, really," Knight Obi added. "The Orcish Inquisition is more likely to kill people with laughter than fear."

The pair (both in the Sisterhood of Evil, naturally) sent each other a dark look.

"The state of evil is a sad story, a sad story indeed."

"How sad," Lina muttered dryly, and flipped to another page. Her mind wasn't really on reading anyway, lost in daydreams (rather nice daydreams, too). She hardly noticed the sudden excitement of the Nazgûls or their departure, until Dot suddenly poked her.

"What?"

"Saruman came and said he had restored the Witch King!"

"Oh no…"

"Want to go see?"

"We better…"

They trailed after the Nazgûls, who were muttering in excited voices (except for the gloomy looking Ice Cream-Nazgûl, who were muttering about how he had nothing matching to white).

As soon as they reached the toilets however, the excitement died down. Instead there was a long, amazed silence. A silence that speaks volumes, in this case volumes of astonishment.

For there, among all the toilets, stood the Witch King (or what Lina guessed was the Witch King)– and whatever Sarman had done, it had not improved on the situation. Quite the contrary.

"What?" the Witch King asked, noticing the stares. "Saruman, you said I was restored."

"Dude," Knight Obi said slowly. "You've become a toilet!"

The wizard, leaning against one of the stalls, looked smug.

"Nice handiwork, is it not? Notice how the lid has his face? Don't worry, you will feel like a toilet soon enough. I should have perhaps mentioned that I work for Morgoth now. Nothing personal. I go where the evilest wind blows."

"Evil backstabbing evil," Knight Obi said, and smiled. "Now's *that's* more like it!"


	31. An Axing Spring Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obvious Monty Python reference is obvious.

Spring break at OFUM – you would expect things to be rather calm and quiet, wouldn't you? Or not.

Chop, chop, chop.

"Darling Lina, you're a natural with the axe," Gimli muttered in her ear, admiring her chopping technique. A few metres away, Legolas was rolling his eyes (but subtly, of course. Or rather he liked to think it subtle).

"Chopping up trees. Very useful," the Elf commented. "Not at all likely to rouse the rage of elves."

"Oh, you're just a… What's that term, Lina? Party upper?"

"Party pooper," Lina replied.

Whatever Legolas was planning to reply they had no idea, for there was a sudden yelp and a great hoom (that it the Entish form of a boom, quite distinctive in its more slow and deliberate-ness).

"What was that?"

Legolas peered with his keen eyes towards the student area(the garden had been split into a staff section as well after quite a few ambushed, and Sarumain and Gandulf were guarding the grounds, when they were not snapping at each other that was), then smirked in a most un-Elf way.

"Seems Taiya thought she could attract my attention with axe-chopping like you two were doing, only she chopped at an Ent."

"Ooooooh dear…"

"You'd think the break would lead to less stalking," Legolas muttered somewhat sourly after they had stopped sniggering.

"Why? Most are still here and didn't take a trip home," Lina replied. "And believe me, I know the stamina of hormones."

"You're right, you're right. I know it was hoping for too much that everyone would fail…" Legolas trailed off, looking dreamy.

"Nope, everyone studied very hard, because who would want to be chucked out of OFUM, and never again write a beautiful tale of how they snared the Elf? Or hobbit, or would-be-king, or whatever." Lina shrugged. "But I suspect Sauron passed us all to be evil to you guys. After all, he's not the one being stalked."

"You can't even trust evil to be outright evil and not sneaky these days," Gimli complained. "Why did the mighty Elf Lord of Rivendell pass you all for?"

"So he can torture us in fresh ways in his Numerology 101, of course."

"Aragorn?"

"Just to get rid of us, I expect."

"And the hobbits?"

"Oh, we all passed that in genuine," Lina smiled. "It would be like kicking an adorable puppy if we didn't. Some are still suffering from the amount of reading they did and keeps on going on about how platonic love is the thing."

"Isn't it?" Gimli and Legolas exchanged a worried glance (they were after all, teaching Male Bonding 202 this upcoming semester, which was founded on the very essence of understanding platonic love).

"No." Lina shook her head. "Teenagers from earth, hormones – platonic love is not even considered."

"Will that mean they'll think me and Gimli…?"

"Oh no. Not most of them anyway. But that's because so many lust after you, so they picture you just waiting for that right someone, Legolas."

"Alas," Legolas muttered. "I shall have to redouble my efforts to play cupid. That Rohan mail-rider said he was not married…"

He reached for his list, and jotted the name down on the possible 'match with' list. The Elf was nothing if not thorough, having even talked to the Nazgûls to see if any of them were looking for a girlfriend (of course, not the Witch-Toilet, who was most likely to be dumped (on) by any possible prospect)

"What are most of the students doing during the break?" Gimli asked, as she practiced swinging the axe in a way that didn't just make people double over in laughter.

"Making plans for how to nail their lust object, of course. Except for the Sisterhood of Evil, who are planning to take over the Student Organisation."

"And except you," Gimli added.

"And except me," she grinned, leaning in to…

"NO! NO! NO!"

All three glanced up at the OFUM staff section building, where black smoke was drifting out of the windows.

"Sounds like Sauron is having troubles with his EvilBootCamp for the Orcish Inquisition," Legolas said calmly.

All three struggled very hard not to laugh.

"If he starts teaching them their main weapons, they're going to be deadly all right," Lina giggled. "Deadly hilarious."

"I heard he got them to stalk Frodo and try make the hobbit give up the Ring," Gimli said, straightening her pose. "You're not trying to hit them with your elbow, but with the axe."

"Frodo used the Ring to make them do silly walks all morning," Legolas added. "It was a most amusing sight. Almost more fun than all the passing-outs at the First Age costume ball when Gandalf came as Ungoliant."

"That was good," Gimli chuckled. "Don't clutch the axe so hard, darling. It took an hour to get Morgoth to stop hiding in the toilets. Finally Beren and Lúthien chased him out, after they came in there to have some... Ahem... Privacy."

"I hear Miss Cam and miss Tiger is hard at work making mini-Ungoliants," the Elf said, sounding slightly uncomfortable with the notion.

"I'm sure they know what they're doing," Lina groaned as she managed to drop the axe on her foot.

"Hold it closer to your body, then swing it out," Gimli instructed. "Clutch it, clutch it, swing…"

"I heard Morgoth is searching for a girlfriend now too," Legolas said just as Lina prepared to hit that darned tree as hard as she could.

"What?" she exclaimed and let go of the axe. It flew from her hand and up, up, up…

"Most impressive," Gimli said, looking quite satisfied. "Didn't I say she was a natural with the axe? Look at it fly…"

And fly it did, all the way to the end of the garden, where Morgoth was sunbathing.

"Oh, no, it's going to hit…" Lina muttered. Thankfully for her, Dark Lords have a one track mind when it comes to consider who will actually throw axes at them.

"SAURON!"

"There it goes again," Gimli said, watching Morgoth fling it through the window and into the staff section. "But you throw better, my dear."

There was a brief silence.

"MORGOTH!"

So much for a quiet spring break.


	32. [Title Cencored by the Committee For Galadriel's Sanity]

Routine.

Funny. In even the most odd places, the most extraordinary circumstances, sooner or later you fall into a routine of sorts.

For Lina it was sneaking off at night, giving whatever mini-Balrog who was on guard some fried bacon and raw eggs (although she had a pass, it didn't hurt to be on friendly terms with someone who could easily kick your ass), sneaking into Gimli's room and [for the sanity of Galadriel, the rest of the sentence has been eased. Thank you for not thinking of such things. Signed, Miss Cam].

Then, when morning came it was usually breakfast in the staff section (every other day with Morgoth and Sauron throwing rotten eggs at each other and usually missing) before trotting off to catch up with Dot. However, Dot seemed to have found an interesting prospect of her own: The Rohan Mail-rider, who was giving her riding lessons.

Legolas was particularly thrilled, having one more name to strike off his list ("One name a month, Lina. At that rate it will take me a whole age, but it will be worth it. The peace and comfort of bachelor life returned to me…")

Ah, spring.

Of course, all too soon (or not soon enough for those who were actually looking forward to classes again) spring break was over and semester two was about to commence.

Semester two promised some rather interesting subjects. Numerology 101 with Elrond; Male Bonding 202 with Gimli and Legolas; Evil Minions 202 with Evil Minions; Dating in Middle-earth 101 with Galadriel; and of course, What's In a Name continued.

Especially Male Bonding had created a stir, for all the Legolas-droolers couldn't wait to have a class with him and [What did I say about thinking such things? Signed, Miss Cam]. On the other hand, the Aragorn-should-be-single club was in mourning ("It's not fair! I think we were beginning to gain some ground!" Michelle insisted) and consoled themselves thinking of Aragorn in [Must I censor every sentence? Do-not-think-such-things! Signed, Miss Cam] And the hobbits were heartbroken (although Merry and Pippin had Homemade Hobbit delights, that wasn't until next semester). The Sam Stampeders had been known to lurk in the gardens hoping to catch their favourite gardener and [Oh, for the love of Galadriel, stop! Signed, Miss Cam]

Legolas weren't particularly looking forward to his lectures, even with new mini-Balrogs (Boramor, Lagoless and Isuludur) to insure safety.

Concerns over safety issues had even prompted miss Cam to hire Miss Dwimordene as Head of Ass-Kickings and Cruel Punishments. Sauron was rather miffed he hadn't got the job though. ("I'm a natural!" he claimed, but of course Morgoth disagreed – "A natural failure, that is!" "Drool!" "Fungus!" "Moss!")

That hadn't stopped Ryven and Alanna from trying to dig a tunnel under the gate and into the staff section. Sadly, they miscalculated and ended up in Gollum's room ("Two Precioussssssessss!"). Miss Cam was convinced the two had set a new world record when running away, for the sped they'd had was most impressive.

Then of course there was Phoenixfeather's smashing idea to climb up on the roof and enter through the roof hatch, only it wasn't a roof hatch but rather the entrance to the Miss Thundera Tiger's Flying School For Mini-Balrogs ('Spread Those Wings And Do Not Plummet Into the Abyss' as it was fondly called).

And as odd as it seemed, it was all a part of the normal life at OFUM. In the end, even Legolas was glad classes were starting, for at least that would been less spare time for all the students and maybe he wouldn't have to endure 'Love Songs: Greatest Hits Sung by Not-So-Great Voices' every morning ("It's not that I mind them serenading me from outside, it's rather like a rooster indicating morning, but when it even wakes you and Gimli… And it's not very Elvish. We sing, we do not serenade.")

The subject of Evil Minions had the Nazgûls in fierce preparation (they had managed to restore the Witch-King back to a wall and the Ice Cream-Nazgûl took a black dye bath once a week) to look as evil as they could. Of course, Morgoth had his own evil minions and plans to upstage Sauron's evil minions, and the class was likely to get caught in the middle. But hey, it might mean less studying,

Elrond looked quite happy as well, Lina noticed, preparing his book list. She just hoped it would weigh less than a hippo this time. It was such a drag having to drag your books to class because you couldn't lift them.

Even that didn't stop the Elrond-lovers from looking forward to his class. ("I mean, how hard can that subject be?" Brandy had said in an upbeat tone. "We can all count!")

And everyone agreed Dating in Middle-earth 101 would be real handy. It would probably be full of handy knowledge for how to lure in that lust-object and [NO! NO! NO! And by that I mean 'NO'. Signed, Miss Cam]. Even Dot took some time off from her riding lessons and moonlight strolls to voice her enthusiasm for that subject. ("Then I can finally figure out if he's asking me on a date when he's offering me 'Spot That Orc From the Horseback' lessons! Did I mention he's really hot? And Scandinavian-looking? And hot?")

Yes, it was spring, Faramir had become aware of his first fangirl (an Ininvelka Furius, who had instantly been invited into the Sisterhood of Evil, for with that kind of name, 'you're either evil or your parents desperately wanted you to become evil,' as Tabby had put it), Lina couldn't be happier, classes were about to start and life at OFUM was as normal (by that we mean 'abnormal') as ever.

And who said routine is dull? [And don't even think about mentioning what you shouldn't think about! I'm watching you. Signed, Miss Cam]


	33. A Wraith Who Wrings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there apparently are Wringwraiths in LotR, who would have known? And a Barlog as well - *shakes head*.

There was an air of tense anticipation Monday morning in the staff section. Galadriel was up and wandering, to everyone's great relief, for no one was tempted to substitute Dating in Middle-earth for her (that was not till later in the week though).

Cranky Celeborn was all smiles again (smiles and hard glares that said 'Don't even think about if you want to live'), and Morgoth and Sauron had taken a break from their usual bickering over breakfast to bicker of Evil Minions 202 instead.

The breakfast table was the usual murmur of gossip and complaints though, as Lina and Gimli dropped down to have a bite.

"Good morning, Lina… Gimli…" Miss Cam said, reaching for her toast. Behind her, the new mini-Balrogs were scuttling about. Saoron and Sarumon appeared to be locked in a staring contest, while Isuldor and Arewen were snuggling up.

"Good morning Legolas," Gimli grinned. "Ready for Male Bonding 202?"

"Good morning. I have decided that if someone calls me Leg or Leggy in class, I'm going to set Miss Dwimordene on the task of thinking up a punishment. And I hear she is most – creative," Legolas replied. If it wasn't for the fact that his face was completely blank, Lina would have sworn she detected a light air of panic radiating from him.

"Worry not, Legolas. We have a secret weapon," Miss Cam said reassuringly, exchanging a glance with Thundera Tiger. They both smiled evilly.

"Other than Shadow?" Legolas seemed to brighten up.

"Shadow can't be everywhere and is currently busy scaring off Kelly, the half elf, half phoenix from ever flying again, since we don't really want anyone to fly through the windows and nosedive onto the breakfast table. We have something else up our sleeve. I know the mini-Ungoliants worked out rather badly…" she trailed off, grimacing. The mini-Ungoliants had eaten half the kitchen and nearly caused a severe depression for all the hobbits. Luckily, the mini-Ungoliants had then gone on to eat themselves. 'A small genetic flaw', as Thundera Tiger had called it.

"This is better, I promise you."

"We will manage, Legolas," Gimli said, patting the Elf on the shoulder.

"And we will cruelly punish anyone who dares even wink at you," Dwimordene added.

"For sure," Frodo said, appearing in the chair next to Legolas. "I'll use the Ring on them if need be. I'll turn them all to thrushes."

"If I had the Ring, I could turn them all to Ringwraiths and…" Sauron began.

"No, Sauron."

"Just saying."

Legolas looked slightly less gloom, but there was still an air of panic about him.

Lina skipped off early, managing to stop by her room and get a change of clothes. As reassuring as everyone had tried to sound for Legolas's sake, Lina was worried that they might be underestimating the power of hormones.

She knew she was right when she noticed that half the University seems to have slept in the hallway outside lecture theater one to be assured the best seats. And then a fight broke out over 'queue jumping', with Amarantha and Brandy fighting over who had been first to line up.

No, this could not be good.

Lina slipped into a place in the back, feeling sorry for her elven friend. And Gimli would probably be swept up by the tide – she would have to jump in and rescue him. She clutched her 'Males and Bonds: Like Looking For a Needle in the Haystack?' book and prepared herself to go in.

It was Miss Cam who came walking in first, surprisingly flanked by no mini-Balrogs. In fact, she seemed to come alone. Uh oh.

"Settle down, settle down. I know you are all very excited, but let us behave as adults, okay? You will all sit quietly in your seats, you don't want me to go get Barlog the actual Balrog, do you?"

A few shook their heads, most remained completely still. Like a cat ready to bounce. This was not good, Lina realised, not good at all.

"Legolas and Gimli will now enter and you will all remain in your seats," Miss Cam went on. "Okay boys, come in."

There was a low, excited mutter as the Elf and the Dwarf entered, Legolas looking like he was facing the ultimate evil. Gimli looked more cheerful, sending Lina a quick smile.

No one jumped out of their seats, but no one seemed to relax either.

"This is Male Bonding 202," Gimli said (and it seemed that half the class only noticed he was actually there only then). "You all passed Platonic Love 101, so you should know this is nothing sexual at all."

"Ew, Gimli said 'sexual'," one girl muttered. Lina sent her a nasty glare.

"In this subject we will examine the male way of bonding, especially through battle and hardship," Legolas went on (and half the class swooned). The fact that no one had jumped him on sight seemed to cheer him up, because his face broke into a small smile.

"Oh no," Lina muttered.

It was the smile that did it. All at once, the Legolas-fanciers jumped (although some were elbowed back). Elvea looked to be ahead of the pack, ready to grab…

Lina wasn't sure exactly what happened next. There was a clash, screaming, evil laughter, and suddenly most of the girls lay flat on the floor. Legolas looked relieved, Miss Cam was grinning smugly.

"What? What happened?" asked a dazed Syndarys.

"New security measures, my dears. Now everyone get up and sit down – slowly."

There was a few curses as everyone scrambled back to their places, quite a few muttering about how all that work to look splendid was now wasted.

"These, my dear, are the Wringwraiths. They're small, they're invisible – and boy, can they wring your neck." Miss Cam seemed extremely pleased with herself. "They live in this room, and cannot go outside – that would create havoc, after all, little invisible evildoers – but here they will protect Legolas. You will not stampede."

"Thank you, Miss Cam," Legolas grinned for real this time (quickly checking that no one leaped from their seats). "Now, let us begin with the often first institution of male bonding: The inn or 'pub', if you will. Open your books on chapter one – 'Beer: The Male Tongue-Loosener', please."

And in the corner the Wringwraiths cackled evilly.


	34. Nine Is the Number of Your Counting...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Fellowship mantra is an obvious take on a Monty Python joke.

While Monday morning had been a morning of anticipation and an attempt to stampede – an exciting day, Tuesday seemed – well, less exciting.

There was a sort of gloom resignation filling the lecture theatre. Even Arien and Celebrian, who would like nothing more than to spend an hour ogling Elrond looked slightly downcast.

Numerology 101.

The book list for this subject was as long as a bad year, and it didn't seem like Numerology was about counting at all (which all were fairly confident they could have handled). That, and the fact that Elrond could teach Sauron a thing or two about being mean in class (and dramatic speech), resulted in very few actually looking forward to it.

Only Lina seemed to be in a reasonable good mood, sporting a brand new hickey which she hadn't even bothered trying to hide. Monday night had been a very good night, even if the fricking table had collapsed.

Elrond marched in, flanked by Meridoc and Pereguin, who seemed to like following him around (even when they weren't invited). The mini-Balrogs were unusually cheerful for mini-Balrogs, which supported Lina's theory that they actually took on some traits from their (near) namesakes. Like Saoron, who had a tendency to follow Lyle around, or Grimli and Legoals, who were inseparable. Most interesting, it was.

"Greetings again, students." Elrond rubbed his hands. "This is Numerology 101, where we look at the importance of numbers. To start, can anyone tell me how many rings there were and who they were for?"

"The One for Sauron!" Gami quickly replied.

"Three for the elves!" Celebrían smirked, having beaten Arien to it.

"Seven for the dwarves," Lina shot in.

"Nine for Men," Magnoliadoc said, then looked thoughtful. "Shouldn't there have been five for the hobbits?"

"No," Elrond replied. "One, three, seven and five – I mean nine, makes twenty. Twenty rings. That was all. You hear me? That was all the Rings of Power. There was no undiscovered 21st ring – EVER!"

"But…"

"No buts. As miss Holling will know, the only until recently undiscovered ring was a toe ring, which has a very limited, although evil, power. It is no Ring of Power, and besides, it seems to have taken a vacation."

A few of the students grimaced, having felt the scope of Toey's power. Lina smiled, thinking about how big RollFeet had grown. She was beginning to worry though, it seemed impossible to get comma rules right when RollFeet was around.

"Twenty rings. Write it down and live by it, or I shall happily show you what just one of the Twenty can do. Now, the nine rings for men. As you know – hopefully – the nine men became the Ringwraiths, the Nine riders that were evil. What does this have to do with the Fellowship?"

"Umm... They tried attacking the Fellowship?" Mor'loki suggested.

"No." Elrond sounded annoyed. "They attacked before and after the Fellowship-stage. During the actual Fellowship-era the Nazgûls were drying up. There were NINE Nazgûls, and there were nine…."

"Fellowship-members?" Nikki said hesitantly.

"Yes! Thank you, was about time. Nine walkers set up against the Nine riders. Balance, you see."

"But weren't there ten…?" a girl said in a low voice. "Wasn't there a girl also?"

The mini-Balrogs took cover, which is always a very, very bad sign.

Elrond smiled, a smile that said 'I-am-smiling-so-my-face-won't-explode-and-give-away-that-I'm-angry-and-might-kill-you'.

"What did you say?" he said sweetly, voice so dripping with sugar it could nearly cause a sugar high for anyone listening.

"Umm... Wasn't there a… Umm… 10th member?"

There was a long, long silence. Even the mini-Balrogs held their breath, and you could actually hear an angry bellow (sounded like Sauron shouting 'I have to take anger therapy with HIM?') all the way from the staff section.

"NO!" Elrond finally exploded, his voice as sharp as Legolas's arrows. "10th member? Do you know nothing of the importance of numbers? NINE! NINE MEMBERS! There never was, never will be a 10th member! Balance! With nine you have balance, and it's three times three, and three is a very important number!"

"What about Bill then?" Diane asked, her fondness for horses (and ponies) well-known.

"Nine members and a beast of burden."

"So, if you were a unicorn, would that count as…" one girl began.

Elrond sent the girl a hard stare.

"No, no and no. Say it with me now, the Fellowship Mantra: 'You shall count to nine, nine is the number of your counting. You shall not count to ten, nor to eleven. Nine is the number of the Fellowship.'"

"You shall count to nine…" the class began, and the mini-Balrogs reappeared. The birds began singing again. The storm had passed. For now.

Of course, mere moments later another storm passed by, this time being Sauron stalking by in the hallway, thunderclouds above his head.

"I, the Dark Lord, have to take anger therapy!"

"Shut up. This is more embarrassing for me, you know," Morgoth said, a few feet behind. "I have to take it with *you*!"

"No, *I* have to take it with *you*!"

"No, no. I clearly need it most, I am more angry…"

"As if!"

Their voices disappeared down the hallway.

"One Dark Lord balances another out. If they actually paired up they could do great evil, but they are two busy fighting each other," Elrond said. "See? Balance!"

Miss Cam poked her head in. "Let me guess, someone suggested 10th member of the Fellowship? I heard shouting and sugar-dripping."

"It is all in hand," Elrond said calmly. "Repeat the Fellowship Mantra now, students."

"You shall count to nine, nine is the number of your counting. You shall not count to ten, nor to eleven. Nine is the number of the Fellowship…"

"My Nine beat yours," Sauron said, poking his head in as well.

"Hah!

"HaHAH!

"HahaHAH!" Elrond countered

"Haha – OW! Morgoth, you little…"

"See? Balance." Elrond smiled. "One for One, Nine for Nine. And ten chapters of homework for the idiotic suggestion of ten fellowship-members."


	35. As Gandalf As It Gets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bri came up with most of the movie titles. *bows*. I only decided they were worthy of a chapter of their own

Lina wasn't quite sure what awoke her. Maybe it was Gimli's soft snoring, but it could also have been the loud laughter coming from somewhere in the hall, or at least from somewhere in the staff section.

It sounded like both Orcs AND hobbits laughing. Usually if hobbits were laughing, Orcs were wailing, and if Orcs were laughing, hobbits were wailing. Most curious, this was.

Untangling herself, she grabbed a t-shirt and put it on. Opening the door slightly, she peeked out.

The hall seemed quiet, silver moonlight filling it and creating a strange feeling of being in a dream. The walls were stacked with little lairs where the mini-Balrogs slept, those who weren't on the nightshift that was.

There really were a lot of Mini-Balrogs, come to think of it. It had started with just a few, now there seemed to be small army. Not that the mini-Balrogs didn't have enough to do. It had taken five of them to get Long Under Tree away from the Ents, who was convinced with a name like that, this time it had to be an Entwife for sure.

Then of course Mulberry had come along, claiming to have been an Entwife in a previous life, and – Hoo boy. But the mini-Balrogs had finally sorted it all out, especially with the threat of being sent to the new Head of Ass-Kickings and Cruel Punishment ("Should have though of that ages ago," Miss Cam had complained one evening. "Works like a charm!").

Gimly turned to look at her, and the mini-Balrog smiled in a very smug, dwarven-like way. If it could have talked, Lina was sure it would have said something like 'I hope there will be a mini-Balrog like YOU!'

The mini-Balrogs had personality all right. Although poor Gindadial wasn't quite sure what character it had been meant to be, and thus was suffering an identity crisis.

Funny how quiet it was this evening. No snoring, no sleepwalking, no Morgoth/Sauron pillow war. Even Toey and BreadLegs's Shelf O'Love seemed quiet (that could be because Toey was out on one of his Treks of Evilness: When Bad Spelling Attacks though. Couldn't abandon his calling, however much the world would want him to).

"Lina?" Gimli asked softly, trotting up behind her.

"I just thought I heard laughter," she replied.

"It's movie-night."

"It's WHAT?"

"Movie-night. To help us unwind and better understand your world. Gandalf helps Miss Cam recast your type of movies with characters from our world, all done magically. Last week it was 'Point-eared Frodo and the Search for the Holy Grain'. Most amusing, it was. And who could forget 'X-Maias'. We had karaoke night for a while as well, but Sauron and Morgoth broke the karaoke machine fighting over who was most fit to sing 'Evil Like This'. You're lucky, the Witch-Wall was planning to surprise you with 'Witch-Wall of Your Heart'. I think he and I need to have a chat."

Lina blinked, then realised that karaoke and movie-night were no more weird than a mini-Balrog named Gimly. Weirdness simply existed here, much like water and earth.

"Don't worry about the Witch-Wall, I can handle him. Can we go watch the movie?"

"Most certainly. Although, remember, for official reasons you are here as an 'adviser on male-female bonding to improve the subject of male bonding'. The University can't be seen to promote student-teacher relationships."

"But why hasn't anyone said anything?" Lina asked, suddenly wondering if she had managed to land facedown in trouble again.

"They... Umm... Were just too astonished… That I won you over... To… Umm... Mind."

Lina chuckled softly as Gimli led her through a door interestingly enough called 'Torture Chamber Deluxe Version'.

"What's on tonight?"

"I think it's 'Sauron Powers: Interdimensional Maia of Mystery'. Morgoth objected and wanted it to be 'You've Got Morgoth', but that will be next week. Lina, I... Umm... Have been meaning to ask you…" Gimli fumbled slightly. "Back in your world… There is no one I have to challenge to an axe-duel, is there?"

"No, no. Nothing like that."

Gimli looked relieved, just as they entered the large room, completely filled up with the entire staff. Sauron was on the first row, looking as proud as… As a Dark Lord could be. The Nazgûls were cheering ('Sauron, Sauron, he's our Maia, if he can't do it, Morgoth sure can't!') while Morgoth was sulking in a corner. Barlog the Balrog patted him on the shoulder sympathetically (his arm the only thing fitting into the room. He was standing on the outside, looking in through the roof window).

"If you wanted, we could watch the romantic Sleepless in the Staff Section instead," Gimli whispered in her ear. "And we could be sleepless ourselves afterwards."

"Gimli!" she muttered embarrassed, sure that someone would notice the gleam in his eyes.

From the looks of it however, people were too busy to notice much of anything. Galadriel and Celeborn were getting quite cosy, and Faramir and Éowyn were getting sour looks from Boromir. Even the two mini-Balrogs that were on guard (Phrodo and Biblo) were holding hands/claws/whatever (but not tentacles. A student had foolishly referred to the Balrogs having 'tentacles' and it had taken a hour to get her up from the mini-abyss).

And Gandalf – Gandalf was laughing so loudly it was impossible not to join in.

"You can always tell how good a movie is by how loud Gandalf is laughing," Gimli whispered. "That's why a top movie is 'As Gandalf As It Gets'."


	36. To Woo Or Not To Woo

It was a rather pale, but determined-looking Galadriel that entered the lecture theater that morning, clutching a few charts and books. Trailing behind her were Arwin and Seleborn, looking very protective, as much as mini-Balrogs can look protective and not just fierce and evil. (Actually, there was a mini-Balrog that was a star a not too fierce, but Miss Cam refused to talk about that. Lina suspected some deep, dark secret surrounded it. Heck, there was even a Condor mini-Balrog -who built all the lairs for the other mini-Balrogs - who wasn't very fierce either.)

Melee and Arielle immediately found themselves on the receiving end of a mini-Balrog stare. A hard stare.

"Please return your trail of thought onto the path of decency," Galadriel said, dropping her books onto the lecturer's desk. "This subject is 'Dating in Middle-earth 101', not 'Let's Get Naughty in Middle-earth One-On-One'. Thank you."

She took in the class and more than a few students began to blush fiercely.

"I will know if your trail of thought strays from the subject at hand – Jules, you do not want to even try that with a mini-Balrog. Ocarina, you may write in runes, but you're thinking in plain common and though I am grateful you're thinking of Frodo with his clothes on; huggable hobbits is not the subject at hand. Now, this subject will take you through the often delicate process of dating for Elves, Hobbits, Humans and even Dwarves."

Lina had to grit her teeth in order to keep naughty images at bay from that very comment, while the rest of the class looked a little bit sickened.

"This information is not for you to try to snare in whoever you 'fancy', but rather to portray love in Middle-earth more accurately. And no, this will not involve reciting poetry so bad it would rival Tom Bombadil. If this is your idea of romance, perhaps you ought to see if you and the Witch-Wall get on."

Quite a few shuddered, including Lina. A terrible thought occurred to her: Was the Witch-Wall trying to woe her with poetry because he had read her fanfics? They had a lot of bad poetry in them after all… She hadn't considered if the staff had actually looked at the writings of the students – could Gimli have looked at her stories? Oy. Pages upon pages of Legolas-lusting – not the best thing for your boyfriend to read.

Galadriel looked like she was becoming more comfortable every minute, as people started looking more fearful. A horrible realisation that perhaps Elrond had picked up a few things from his mother-in-law began to dawn on the students by the looks of it. Lina tried to think about noting but calm sea. She had no naughty thoughts. Her inner sea was calm… Hey, skinny-dipping sure was fun… No, no, no. Calm inner sea.

"Nor will it involve serenading," Galadriel went on. "Elves love song, not howling of utterly bizarre phrases that make no sense. 'Let Me Be Your Teddybear'? I heard that just the other night. I am not sure what kind of bear that is, but most elves do not think of bears that way in any case."

Galadriel took a brief pause to project a mental image of a bear that had everyone gulping.

"To help you properly understand the inner workings of dating, Sam and Rosie will take you through hobbit-love, Faramir and Éowyn will hold a lecture on humans, and Celeborn and myself will take you through the elves. As for the Dwarves, we may have a special treat for you when that time comes. In order to pass this subject, we will stage a role playing in which you will be given a partner to woo. They will tell you how well you are doing, and will give you your grade. The whole staff have volunteered, in fact."

"You mean we can get to woo like Legolas?" Mithara asked, eyes wide.

"It will be decided by a lottery when the exam draws near just which partner you will get. I believe you will all study hard for the exam?"

Speechless, the whole class nodded.

Lina found herself staring curiously at Galadriel. This all sounded a bit too easy. Surely there was some kind of set-up, for they wouldn't let students actually try to woo the staff, would they?

"Starr, stop thinking of the One Ring, please. It's bad enough having a constant longing for it radiating from Sauron and strange urges coming over me when I look at jewellery. Oh, I nearly forgot – in case any of you should be tempted to let your thoughts stray, I managed to get hold of all the lyrics to Britney Spears latest CD. I will plant them all in your minds if I must."

There was a collective shudder. Galadriel smiled, giving her husband (who had sneaked into the back of the class) a thumb's up.

"Good, good, why don't you all go read chapter one – 'That Is An Arrow in His Pocket, He Is Not That Happy to See You - Yet', please," Celeborn said hurriedly.

"Celeborn…"

"Galadriel," Celeborn replied, and she must have read something in his mind, for her eyes widened.

"Yes, yes, read that chapter for next class and think decent thoughts," Galadriel said absentmindedly, before vanishing out the door with Celeborn at an impressive speed.

"Oh, great. We're supposed to think decent thoughts when she leaves with *that*," Dot said sarcastically.

"Think of grass, that ought to take the mental picture away," Lina suggested.

"No, now I'm just picturing them on grass. I'll try thinking of the mini-Balrogs and what they'll do to me for disturbing Galadriel. Evil minis."

"Do you think mini-Balrogs have mini mini-Balrog babies?"

"Ew, Lina. Now I'm thinking of – Oh no. 'I am not a girl, not yet a woman…' It's echoing in my mind…. No…" Dot whimpered, as did all the students.

Galadriel sure knew how to get even.

And in the empty lecture theater, Aragarn and Arwin looked longingly at each other while Seleborn wandered out to find Galadrielle. Mini-Balrogs, mini loves.


	37. The Urple Wizard and A Few Dorks

Lina wandered into lecture theater two with the rest of the students pretty much knowing what was coming. There would be a name, the correct spelling and probably a threat to be done something quite horrid to. That was in essence 'What's In a Name 101'.

However, it was only Miss Cam that stood by the lecturer's desk, feeding Borimir and Farimir some bacon.

"Today class," Miss Cam said, smiling broadly, "we are going to talk about some of the things you do to Middle-earth names that doesn't actually breed a mini-Balrogs. We are going to talk about…"

She took a dramatic pause, looking out over the class.

"Nicknames. That's right, the horribly cutesy names that some have an urge to give to grown-up elves/hobbits/men. Quite frankly, I'm almost relieved there is no mini-Balrogs to gain there, because I cannot imagine something trying to be scary with a name like 'Legsie'. Honestly…"

"But… But they are cute!" one girl argued.

Miss Cam narrowed her eyes. "Cute, you say? Let us observe a little experiment… If I may draw your attention to the window…"

The class reluctantly moved to the windows, gazing down to see a group of Orcs gathered and a few metres away, Legolas, Frodo and Gandalf.

Syndarys immediately tried to sneak off to the door to get down there, but Borimir and Farimir were on guard and blocking the door. They sure moved fast, those mini-Balrogs.

"Observe, students. Orcs, take battle positions. Legolas, draw your bow."

The class swooned as Legolas within a heartbeat had an arrow drawn and ready to fire.

"Impressive, yes? Even the Orcs are wary of him. However, watch the effect of this…"

Taking a deep breath, Miss Cam leaned out the window.

"My Leggy, my adorable Legsie, please save me!"

The Orcs looked at each other, then all of them broke into laughter. A few nearly fell down laughing so hard.

"See? Thank you, Legolas. Gandalf?"

Gandalf lifted his staff and sword, shining white in the sun. He looked most impressive, and the Orcs stopped laughing.

"You shall not pass!" Gandalf said, and the Orcs shifted their feet and looked ready to bolt.

"Again, observe this – Gandy-wandy, be careful!"

The Orcs looked at each other. A few mouthed 'Gandy-wandy' before letting out a collective roar of laughter.

"I don't think we'll need your services Frodo, but thank you. Now, students, what did you learn from this?"

"Gandy-wandy! LEGGY!" the Orcs howled, leaning on each other.

"Thank you, Orcs, now get going before I start calling you all 'Orcy- dorky'."

The Orcs ran off like their bums were on fire, leaving Legolas, Gandalf and Frodo to smirk.

"I shall have to remember that trick for the next time Sauron bothers me," Frodo said, getting a pat on the back from Gandalf.

The students reluctantly walked away from the windows, taking their seats again.

"But aren't 'Merry' and 'Pippin' nicknames?" Tex asked.

"That's different. They're good nicknames," Miss Cam said briskly. "His Greatness Tolkien came up with those. If he wanted Legolas to be known as 'Legsie' or 'Lego', I think he would have mentioned it somewhere, don't you? And honestly, giving a nickname to an Istari…"

"But Gandalf gives me nicknames," a voice complained, and all the students looked to the door – and were nearly blinded.

"Urple!" Whit whimpered.

"That's not nicknames he's giving you, Ragna, that's human… Umm… Affectionate names," Miss Cam replied, shielding her eyes.

"So by calling me 'dork' he is showing his affection?" the cheerful voice said again.

"Yes, yes, it's very affectionate. Means he thinks high thoughts of you."

"Who is THAT?" Dot muttered.

"I'm Ragna the Urple, proud member of the Istari!" Ragna replied, the urple light around him finally fading.

"What? But there were only five Istari," Sorne argued, getting a few sour looks from the rest of the students. "Gandalf, Rabagast, Saruman and the two blue wizards."

"Show-off," Arien muttered under her breath. Sorne was the only one who actually seemed to enjoy Elrond's classes.

"Only five that disembarked in Middle-earth," Ragna replied, looking slightly embarrassed. "I overslept on the boat. Just by a few millennia, mind you, how was I to know all the fighting would be done by then? Not that I don't enjoy the peace these days. And of course that charming man called Wormtongue insisted my colour deserved more recognition and offered to spread it."

"Yes, we're all very grateful to him for *that*," Miss Cam said through clenched teeth.

"And those delightful hobbits who do banditry with my colour…"

"Yes, *thank* you, Ragna," Miss Cam said. "I am trying to teach a class here, you know."

"My apologies." Ragna the Urple bowed, then trotted off, leaving everyone to sigh in relief.

"If there wasn't already an ultimate evil, I would nominated him," Miss Cam groaned. "Although, if he actually had disembarked in Middle-earth, all he had to do was show up, and Sauron would have run screaming away. Could have saved a lot of time."

"Hey, what is the ultimate evil anyway?" Lina asked, sight beginning to return to her.

"Oh, that. You see…" Miss Cam began, when there was a loud yell from the direction of the staff section.

"You called me a DORK!" Saruman bellowed.

"Yes, I think very highly of you," Ragna said. "Before you turned evil, you were a great dork."

There was a long, ominous silence.

There was a long, ominous hiss.

The world exploded in white and urple.

"Oh dear," Miss Cam said. " I hope Morgoth and Sauron weren't in the hallway…"

"SAUROOOOOOON!"

"MOO-OORGOTH!"

"You are trying to blind me with urple light through that wizard of yours!"

"Mine? I thought he had sided with YOU!"

"Now, now," Ragna broke in, still sounding cheerful. "Dark Lords, you are great dorks, so you will understand that we were only…"

"The lesson from this, students, it's knowing for sure what a word means before you use it," Miss Cam said. "Now take cover…"


	38. The Society for S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad grammar and spelling intentional when Toey attacks!

Yawning, Lina slipped into lecture theatre three and found an empty spot. It didn't seem like any lecturers were in yet though, which was odd. Evil Minions were usually on time, were they not? Or maybe evil was all about being late, thus annoying people.

The students were chatting idly, mostly about plans for wooing. A few were discussing the ruckus of last night, which had nearly become a full-blown war. The hallway was still shining urple so brightly it was impossible to walk through without your eyes closed.

"Excuse me, excuse me," Glorfindel came walking in, with Radagast the Brown in tow. The two looked slightly miffed.

"We are here on behalf of The Society for S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M – Still Important Characters Though Not In The Movie. Because of certain incidents and confusion in names we have heard about…"

"Yes, I am NOT called Rabagast," Radagast broke in.

"It was Toey, I swear," Sorne replied. "I know you're name is Rabagast, I mean Raba – No!"

"Aaah… A more wonderful introduction to Evil Minions is hard to find," Toey said, being carried in by the Nazgûl.

Glorfindel and Radagast sent him a sour look.

"Next week I shall have you all calling Elrond for Elond, just you wait and see," Toey said satisfied. "Good day students. I am filling in for the Witch-Wall, which sadly got knocked down yesterday. I'm sure he will recover from his new status as floor soon enough."

"Witch-Wall most happy," Nazgûl Two added. "He likes studentsssss wearing skirts. He tell me to say you no need wear underwear."

Lina let out a sigh of relief, and made a mental note to wear pants.

"Come on, Glorfindel, Gandalf says he has come a way on his anti bad-spelling earring," Radagast said, and the two wandered out (leaving behind a few folders with 'Recognise the Hard Work of S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M Today! We Need *Your* Support!').

"Wait till he find out we have created Rabagast, evil twin of wizard," Nazgûl Three laughed.

Toey seemed to gleam, then coughed discreetly.

"This is Evil Minions 202. I am Toey, the toe-ring of bad spelling. You are probably all familiar with my work, if not I am happy to give a demonstration."

The eight Nazgûls smirked. Funny, their amours were so shiny you would think they had been polished for hours on end just recently. Evil could really be vain.

"No, no, we know you," Pennhothwen said hurriedly.

"Evil Minioning is all about basking in the terror your boss spreads," Toey said. "Until such a time you can take over yourself, of course, and be twice as terrible as he. You all have the textbook – 'Evil Enough: Do You Have What It Takes' I assume?"

"But when we try to open it, it draws a pencil and tries to stab us!" Malien complained.

"That would be because it's an evil book…Just threaten to do evil things to it, and if it's impressed enough it will open."

"But that's so Harry Potter!"

"Shut up," Nazgûl Four said brightly. "We no read that. Evil book saying good can win. Destroy minion morale, it did."

"Excuse me, why are you talking like that?" Mytsie asked. "Sauron and Morgoth speak perfectly, none of the 'We no read that'."

"Ah, but see, Nazgûl are evil minions. They must appear more foolish and have worse grammar, or the boss would kill them. Evil Minioning is all about that fine line between screwing up so badly the boss kills you or being too smart so the boss kills you," Toey replied. "I mean, the Nazgûl could just have crossed the river right away when they chased after Frodo, but that would have been too easy. Sauron would start thinking 'Wait – They're smart, they have rings...' and before you know it, no more Nazgûls."

"Too right," Nazgûl Two added. "Must say dramatic, evil things also, or people will forget we meant to be evil. And be sneaky – hint to Aragorn that Arwen ride out…"

"Glorfindel rode out!" Glorfindel called from the hallway. "That little…"

"Hint to Aragorn that Arwen ride out to get some of hobbit, and not him," Nazgûl Two continued.

"Very evil," Nazgûl Six said admiringly.

"She didn't ride out! I did!" Glorfindel stuck his head in again. "They make a movie, and everyone assumes that's what happened. Arwen was busy doing embroidery and looking pretty – I am a mighty Elf lord! I was the obvious choice to ride out!"

"But you no pretty," Nazgûl Two giggled.

"Yes he IS!" Chiara and Pachebel said in unison.

Glorfindel blinked. "Yes, umm... I know! I will get Frodo to sign an affidavit declaring it was me! Surely that will convince the world."

He stalked off, leaving the Nazgûls to cackle evilly.

"For next class I want you all to work on your evil cackle," Toey said. "Getting the cackle right is vital to Evil Minions. The week after that we will work on the hissing."

"This should be an easy class," Dot whispered to Lina. "How hard is it to cackle?"

"The exam will be to out-cackle Shadow and out-evil-laugh Miss Cam."

In the back of the room, Shadow cackled *very* evilly.

"Class dismissed," Toey smirked, and was carried off. The students wandered off slowly, averting their eyes from the urple gleam.

A few wandered in the directions of the toilets, while Lina set course for the library (trying to get her essays done early, so she could wander off to the staff section and be sleepless again.)

She merely shrugged her head when she heard the all too familiar laugh of the Witch-Wall in the distance.

"Oh yeah, baby! Walk over me again!"


	39. An Orc Named Plz R+R and Other Horrors

It was rather quiet in the halls as Lina made her way towards the staff section, for the first time in a few days. Essay writing and studying had taken up quite a lot of time, especially the chart on 'Sacred Numbers' for Elrond's class.

The only ones up were Linteloteiel, Aylee and Jurtz (the only Uruk-hai student, who was constantly bitching about no Saruman lectures) working on their great 'Elf-Lurer' project. Lina was quite sure she didn't want to know what it involved. She was also quite sure it would fail spectacularly. All plans did. You'd almost think the Universe was conspiring against any 'lure in lust object' plans.

There were hardly any lights on in the staff section, but to her great surprise she walked into the hall to find every staff member there. They were all huddled over pieces of paper, some sharing, some sitting in the corners and reading by themselves. Even Barlog the Balrog was reading, laying on his wings while the mini-Balrogs used him for a bed. It was almost sweet, hadn't it been for the fact that they were evil, fiery demons.

Legolas looked up as she entered, his face a mask of confusion.

"Why do some many people think I find Aragorn attractive? He's not an Elf, nor a female."

"Umm…" Lina said, desperately trying to think of a reply.

"And why do I keep referring to wells? I do not suffer from constant thirst."

"It's human slang," Lina replied, feeling a bit on steadier ground. "It's just something we say. What are you reading?"

"Stories from your world. Miss Cam calls it 'horror night'. It's to ensure we are not too nice to students."

Aragorn, who was sitting a few feet away, stared at the paper in his hand as if it was a deadly enemy.

"I would never do that to an Uruk-hai!" he blurted out. "Which part of 'We kill dozens of them, they kill one of ours' did your world miss?"

"Hey! Not our fault we get Orcish stupidity gene!" Lurtz called out.

"Hey! Not our fault we got Elvish stupidity gene!" an Orc replied.

"Hey!" Elrond replied. "We're smart. Sauron just mixed the stupidity potion with smart potion."

"Hey! They both start with 'S'," Sauron said angrily. "Do you know how dark it is in Barad-dûr? Basking in evilness doesn't yield that much light."

"Pitiful," Morgoth shook his head. "You're a disgrace to the title, Sauron. Why are there more stories with Sauron as Dark Lord than me anyway? It vexes me."

"Because Legolas and Frodo lived during Sauron's reign," Miss Cam said briskly. "You should be glad. Have you seen how Sauron appears in some of these stories?"

An evil smirk spread over Morgoth's face.

"What? A mortal is out-staring me in the palantír? A female of no royal blood? No one out-stares me!" Sauron hissed, his attention returned to the story he was reading.

"I out-stared you," Aragorn said smugly, getting an admiring look from Arwen.

"Hah! Stupid Orcs had just peeled onions, or I would have stared you to death."

Sauron and Aragorn immediately began staring at each other, while Arwen brought out her embroidered 'Go Aragorn' banner. She looked a bit baffled though.

"Father, why does it say here that Galadriel is my mother? And why do I have a sister that whines about Legolas all the time and acts as if she was a mere century old? "

Elrond was too deeply focus on his own story to pay attention, muttering what had to be Elvish curses under his breath.

Celeborn was patting Galadriel's hand, and she looked rather pale.

"The image... Me and Gandalf having a child... It's too much…" she muttered. "I must think of fair Lothlórien and cleanse my mind."

Lina began scouting for Gimli, but he was hard to spot in the darkness. She saw the hobbits all huddled together, looking like they weren't sure if they should run away screaming in fear or laugh hysterically.

"Legolas, you engage in BDSM in this story," Frodo said snickering.

"BDSM? Does that stand for Buddies Delight Sharing Mares? Because Gimli and I do that all the time."

"No. It seems to involve chains - maybe it is a kind of torture…" Frodo replied, looking dazed. "Wait, they're…"

Sam, who had read a bit further than Frodo, quickly snatched the paper away.

"You shouldn't read that, Mister Frodo!"

"Sam, I faced Shelob and Mount Doom. What can be worse than that?"

Sam leaned forward and whispered into Frodo's ear and Frodo paled.

"What, what, what?" the Ring complained. "Share with me too! Is it evil? Throw me a bone! You need your mushrooms, I need my evilness!"

"Shut up," Boromir said, sounding grumpy (it was well known he was not too fond of the Ring and its constant teasing that he had the speed of a snail). "Why does this story insist I have a lost love? I think I would know if I had, unless Faramir has been trying to set me up again."

"It would do you good!" Faramir replied, tearing himself away from Éowyn for a moment (they seemed to be the only ones actually not reading).

"I am committed to a life of arms," Boromir replied.

"I know a talking sword…" the Ring offered, and giggled.

"Shut up."

"Who is this Plz R+R?" Haldir asked, puzzled. "Is it an Orc? I keep encountering this creature in nearly every story. Seems to be even more popular than Legolas."

"Oh! Perhaps I can pair Plz R+R up with someone on my list then!" Legolas said, excited.

"That's just the summary," Lina replied, staring at the crowd. Where was Gimli?

"A summary? 'Legolas finds love. Plz R+R' is a summary? But this story is more about me whining for six chapters about how mean my father is because he is forcing me to marry," Legolas sounded baffled now. "Elves do not arrange marriages. We are not in a rush to commit. We live forever, we have time to find the one we want to marry. It's not like we need to reproduce quickly."

Lina finally located Gimli, and wandered over quietly, trying not to step on Merry and Pippin ("But we're cousins!" Merry was saying, looking truly horrified.)

"Did you really want to spread chocolate all over Legolas and lick it off him?" Gimli asked without looking up.

'Kill me, kill me now,' Lina thought desperately. He was reading her story.

"Umm.. I was just... Em... Yeah. Kinda." Gimli looked troubled for a moment, and Lina squirmed. As soon as she got back, she was going to hit delete for sure.

"That was way back then," she added. Gimli's face lit up.

"Perhaps you would settle for honey and a Dwarf?" he offered.


	40. Through Sickness and Pain (and Urple)

It sucks being sick. It particularly suck when you are not at home or near the family, who never fails to bring you soup. In an University, the chances of someone bringing your soup is significantly less. Unless the sick one is Legolas, in which case hundreds of girls will make chicken soup in hope of being the lucky one to feed it to the poor elf.

And then of course, the hobbits will hold a wake for all the lost chicken, especially because it will take ages (in hobbit measurement) to get a new stock.

Of course, it helps to have a lovely boyfriend when you're sick. One that brings you 'Special Dwarven Soup'. Even if the soup temporarily makes you grow a beard, it's still a nice gesture.

Lina was not too bad off though, compared to poor Legolas. Having tried Gandalf's 'let's get better tea', the Elf had… Well, suffered the consequences of Gandalf-food . No one had seen Legolas since – but heard him, they had. The tea had apparently turned him invisible – temporarily, one would hope.

But as Legolas put it – "Always look on the bright side of light, is not that what they say? At least now I can walk around without being tackled."

Although, Phoenix Song amazingly managed to tackle him (but not stay on, for those mini-Balrogs were quick). It seems she had put down 'Jedi knight' as race on her enrolment form, adding that she was only joking.

Sadly, the registration office had no sense of humour (Gandalf's biscuits had robbed them of that ages ago). Thus, a Jedi she was (with special powers to see what others didn't see). And the Sisterhood of Evil was hoping to bring a Sith into being.

Even Miss Cam was sick, astonishingly enough. Lina was sure bacteria would run at the mere sight of Miss Cam, but it would seem not. Brave bacteria – they had even managed to nail down Sauron. Morgoth was happy, for now he could cheat on the chess game the two Dark Lords had started. Of course, Sauron bribed Lyle into changing the board again, and then Morgoth had Saruman change it once more – until there were amazingly ten queens per colour.

Due to the massive wave of sickness, classes had been cancelled. Elrond was sorely disappointed, having to cancel his massive 'The Number Is…?' test (but he was slightly cheered up when Sorne came and took it voluntarily). And it did give him time to come up with an even worse one.

Shada and Stephanie took the time to work on an anti-invisibility potion for Legolas ("We want to see our love-muffin!") but instead nearly managed to blow up the kitchen (and Nissa, who had snuck in to steal it, so she could be the one to turn Legolas visible). Liela and Niamh had their 'love mushroom soup' for Frodo and Pippin ruined, and BreadLegs got temporarily turned into a croissant. (Toey was not too displeased though. He had always craved for some French loving).

Thalia defied her sick body, and went through with her 'knock down Arwen and take her place plan'. Sadly, in her fever, Thalia mistook Celebrían (the real one, not the student) for Arwen, and Elrond was not amused. Of course, Elrond was hardly ever amused, except when he was correcting tests and writing 'F's in big, red letters.

Gandalf got permission to enter the kitchens again (to work on how to turn Rabagast, Radagast's evil twin, into a fly, so Miss Cam could squish him), flanked by Moroko (who had declared herself a Gandalf fangirl, despite nearly drowning in drool whenever Legolas was near. Not that that was uncommon. Miss Cam had suggested to the Elf that if he was really desperate to get rid of the crowds stalking him, he could always do a strip-tease and watch them die of bliss. 'Use the force, Legolas,' as she put it).

The mini-Balrogs were so bored from the lack of people to scare and chase off, they formed an union and demanded a pay-rise. (MIBA, the union to promote mini-Balrog well-being.) Among the demands was a section of their own and a new trampoline, to train in-air-tackles. A trampoline with skulls on though, to maintain that proper look of evilness. Elassar, head of the mini-Balrogs (until he was toppled, at least) was driving a hard negotiation.

Boromir was rather crushed his 'How to Kick-Ass and Die With Grace And Plot Relevance (Not Just To Ensure Your Lust Object Will Always Love You and Pine)' seminar had to be postponed. So were all the Boromir fangirls, who even dragged themselves out of bed to protest (looking so dead and horrid they actually managed to pass the mini-Balrogs, who thought they were guest lecturers for Evil Minions). Sadly, the chicks mistook Faramir's room for Boromir's. Their screams upon being chased by Éowyn could be heard all the way to Lina's room. And once and for all, everyone was now convinced Éowyn could in fact kick ass.

It also proved that not even bacteria can defeat hormones.

The wave of sickness also had tempers flaring, Goldberry at one point walking out on Tom Bombadil for failing to get her chicken soup ("You only love me because I know synonyms for blue!"), but he won her back with a four hour long poem about the colour of her eyes. Ragna the Urple was disappointed, as he had been planning to woo.

All in all, Lina wasn't too displeased with staying in bed, especially with Gimli keeping her up to speed on events in the staff section, and Legolas's tales of Fëanor's attempts to create something greater than the Silmarils – an urple-banishing gem.

But of course, some evils simply cannot be banished. Some evils are… Ultimate?


	41. A Body-Slam, a head-Knock and A Fellowship Jingle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dwimordene came up with the GrammarBootCamp-Special all by herself, and since I'm amused by evilness, I wrote it in.  
> Jay, being equally evil, came up with the jingle. The tune is "Jesus Loves Me".

Panting, Lina collapsed down on her bed.

"Ohgodohgodohgod," she muttered, staring up at the ceiling. That woman was EVIL! And this punishment just because someone had tried to drill a hole into the staff sauna so they could ogle lust-objects naked (Lina suspected Cenire had been one of them, having muttered something about the horror of Radagast naked).

Dot came stumbling in as well, dropping down on the chair.

"Could she be the ultimate evil, you reckon? What a punishment."

Lina barely had the strength to shrug. "I could put her on my list of possibilities."

"What are the other possibilities?"

"Miss Cam, Urple, bad grammar, hobbit aaaw-ness…"

"Hobbit aaaw-ness?"

"Well, remember how it had us all studying so very, very hard? And how many times have someone nicked mushrooms for any of the hobbits? Remember how Elrond is pissy to anyone, but he chuckles at the hobbits? Clearly, hobbit aaaw-ness has awesome power."

"Good point."

Silence reigned for a while, while they both panted and tried to feel their legs.

"Is it just me, or is the ceiling spinning?"

"It's just you, Lina. It's the floor that is spinning."

Lina just groaned and closed her eyes. Somewhere in the distance she heard a new group being led to the GrammarBootCamp-Hour, and consequently, to their doom.

She really ought to ask Elrond how to get that pronunciation of doom properly doom-y. Although perhaps not this week, he was fairly busy. The Elf had hired Meir Brin to spread the Fellowship mantra – she was planning a flyer campaign. Elrond himself was considering making a jingle on the Fellowship number – he had heard jingles stuck in people's minds. (Perhaps jingles were the Ultimate Evil?)

"I should get going," Lina finally said, although her feet were insisting she really shouldn't. "Meeting Gimli for dinner."

"Mmmm," Dot replied and lifted a hand to wave weakly.

Despite her body protesting that she really ought to take a nap for a century or so, she managed to crawl out the door. The hallways was empty – those not at the GarmmarBootCamp were probably all in bed, wishing they were dead.

She passed Miss Thundera Tiger and Miss Cam in the main hallway, who were looking through the window down at the lawn.

"Ah, look at the Mini-Balrogs," Thundera Tiger said affectionately.

"I feel so proud," Miss Cam replied. "Look at them, body-slamming using the students. Ah, my mini-Balrogs. But who could have foreseen it would be so many of them?"

"Never underestimate bad spelling and laziness."

"True, true. But really, Threnadil? Glofindell? Glion? Or Yowyn?"

"Don't forget Laeglass."

"Thank you, I almost had."

The two returned their attention to spectacle outside. Lina could see Miss Dwimordene down there, looking even fiercer, with Shadow in eagle shape circling over.

"See, what the mini-Balrogs are doing is *laying* you (see how 'you' is a direct object, i.e., the one being acted upon, kiddies?) flat on your back. And what you do after your spinal column fractures is *lie* there (notice how you're the subject this time, and there's no object to be found?) and whimper," Dwimordene said, cracking her knuckles.

"Incidentally, the person *whose* (possessive, folks!) poetry we heard this morning beneath Legolas's window is also she who's (subject-verb contraction) been trapped in the mini-abyss since Grimli and Legoals came to elf boy's rescue. I hope you are all taking notes."

A chorus of groans was her only reply.

"The wonder duo of Grimli and Legoals," Thundera Tiger smiled. "They will win this semester's Fiery Whip reward for stopping most break-in attempts for sure."

"I dunno, Borimir and Farimir have been fairly good lately."

Lina left them to the mini-Balrog discussion, making her slow way towards the staff section. The mini-Balrogs could body-slam, that was for sure.

She nearly tripped over one of the Nuzgul on the way into the staff section (the Nazgûl bunnies – no one was sure yet what to do with those), who were having a jumping contest to decide who was Nuzgul One (the Hutch King of Abetmart), who was Nuzgul Two, and of course, who would be loser Nuzgul Nine.

The staff section was fairly quiet, although Invisi-Legolas could be heard singing softly somewhere. Gandalf still hadn't managed to fix it, but had promised it would last a week, tops. Not that Legolas minded. He had a class to teach tomorrow, and being invisible certainly reduced the chances of a stampede.

"Hello Lina," a voice said by her ear, or actually, somewhere near her bellybutton. Hobbits didn't reach very high, after all.

"Pippin… You invisible too?"

"We stole Gandalf's tea," Merry said somewhere near. "The Invisible Urple Bandits – we already managed to sneak Ragna into Saruman's bed, and Pippin stole the palantir from Gandalf."

"I 'borrowed' it, Merry. Best to see Saruman's reaction from a safe distance after all," Pippin replied. "Shall we go raid the kitchen?"

"Excellent idea, cousin."

"Do you think Wormtongue would notice if we put creepy crawlies in his underwear drawer?"

"I don't think he has any underwear, Pippin."

The two hobbit voices drifted off into the distance, leaving Lina to shake her head. As if Frodo having the Ring and therefore the possibility to turn invisible wasn't bad enough (although technically, he was just stepping into the shadow world, and wasn't really invisible, as Elrond had knocked into them – more or less literally), now you had Merry and Pippin.

"Greetings Lina Holling," a strong dwarven voice said, and she turned to face Glòin, Gimli's father.

A lot of things flashed through her mind, and mainly – 'I could outrun a dwarf, couldn't I?'

"Umm… Hi."

"As is our tradition, I offer the tradition head-knock as a welcome into our family," he went on, and the next thing Lina remembered was being hit by a tractor. Well, a Dwarf head rally, but it felt like a tractor.

"My son is a very stubborn Dwarf," Glòin said, and Lina tried to focus on his face. "And since he beat me in arm-wrestling, I must give my approval."

Dazed, Lina stared after him as he trotted off, leaving her to rub her head. Could her body hurt anymore? Wait – not a good question to ask.

"I have it!" Elrond declared, walking triumphantly into the hall. "By Valar, I have it! The Fellowship Jingle!"

He coughed discreetly as other staffers peeked out of their room (and Saruman shrieking "RAGNA! Out of my bed NOW!").

Coughing again, Elrond held out a paper, and began singing.

"9's a number that is fun  
Not an O next to a 1:  
Never shalt thou count thee ten  
There were 9, they all were men.  
9 is the number  
9 is the number  
9 is the number  
Lord Elrond tells me so."

'Ah, great,' Lina thought miserably. 'Now my ears will bleed too.'


	42. Now You See Me - Now You Don't

The chirping crickets outside were the only ones that sounded cheerful that morning.

"Last week we looked at campfire exchanges of battle experiences and the impact on male friendship," Legolas was saying. His voice seemed to come from somewhere near the first row, where a few girls every now and then tried to stick a hand out. They never caught anything but air though – elves are quick, if indeed Legolas had even been near. It was hard to say.

A few unlucky ones even managed to poke wringwraiths by accident – and wringwraiths do not like to be poked. It vexes them.

"It's not fair," Linteloteiel complained quietly. "I've waited a whole semester for Legolas's subject, and now he's invisible for it!"

"You'd think it was a conspiracy," Kelly replied.

The crickets chirped. It sounded oddly like 'Yeee-ess. Yeee-ess.'

Lina wisely chose not to comment. Besides, her head hurt too much to think about such difficult issues anyway. 'Not to self: If ever invited to Dwarven family reunion, bring helmet,' she thought miserably.

"Who can tell me what the importance of that was?" Legolas went on.

"Umm… It passes time?" one girl suggested.

"It builds a foundation," Lina replied, throwing a glance at Gimli. He smiled at her, warmly. It was almost enough to banish her headache. Almost.

"Thank you, miss Holling. That is correct. Friendships do not develop in a day, though I have heard some of you express that sentiment. Friendship is like any other relationship, it takes time."

"So it takes two days? I can wait two days to woo an elf," one of the Legolas Lusters remarked (Lina was sure she was supposed to know the name, but she was also sure she was supposed to know that you turn the knob to open a door. Man, her head hurt. Dwarven head knock not good).

"And you wondered why Frodo and Sam were so nice to you this morning," Gimli remarked. "They know how impossible this subject is to teach."

"You are not helping, Gimli."

The Dwarf snorted. "Then I will. It is simple. We are male, we bond. We discuss war and compare weapons. Sometimes we smoke, sometimes we have a pint. We discuss the stars, the best was to kill an Orc and sometimes we tell tales. Especially if there is an Elf around," he muttered in a lower voice.

"We do not, however, bond over the magnificence of some suddenly appeared woman. Nor do we encourage Legolas to get a wife."

"But he should have one!" Mysie exclaimed.

"It is called male bonding, not a singles convention," Gimli went on.

"The singles convention is held in Minas Tirith next week," Ragna the Urple peeked his head in. "You're both welcome, Gimli and Legolas – and for a small fee you can join MillenniumMatch - we'll find you a match within a millennium, or your money back guaranteed!"

"That is what happens when a male has had no one to bond with," Legolas remarked when the urple glare had vanished and everyone could more or less see again. "He goes mad. For next week, read 'Pat On the Back: Male Affection or Just Habit?' Class dismissed."

A few girls took a dive towards the lecturer's desk, but all they accomplished were vexing the wringwraiths even more. Soon, 'Wraiths A-Wring and Happily Sing Hour' (it was like happy hour, minus booze and with more screaming) was on again, until all the girls had managed to get out of the lecture theater.

Gimli caught up with Lina as the hallways emptied, patting her gently on the head.

"My father sticks to tradition. I am sorry, I should have warned you."

"I think it was more the Fellowship jingle, actually," she replied, as they made their slow way towards the staff section. "And I do appreciate that he found me worthy of a head-knock."

They were greeted by high voices, and mini-Balrogs fighting to get the best viewpoints by the gate to look in. In the middle of the hall stood Sauron, towering before an unimpressed Elrond.

"I protest!" Sauron was saying. "Evil is my domain! Yet students fear you more! This must be rectified immediately!"

"Fear and evil are not the same, Sauron," Elrond replied calmly. "We're dangerous on the good side as well. We won, remember?"

Sauron narrowed his eyes. Sam stood up protectively, shielding Frodo.

"It matters not! I have the Ring now! I have it, at last!" Triumphant, the Dark Lord help up his hand and something bright glimmered in it.

There was a brief silence.

"That is a FriendshipForever ring," Elrond said, smirking.

"But the invisible ghost said…."

The clear laughter of Legolas echoed through the room.

"Hobbit mischief. It rubs off on you," Gimli whispered, as Sauron turned and stalked off.

"Maaaaaaaaaster!" the Ring wailed. "Come baaaaaaaaack! You can manage to claim me! I know you can! Oh, who am I kidding? He's old, I need to move on. Say Frodo, have you ever felt like building a dark tower…?"

"Shut up," Frodo said cheerfully, dropping down by the table. It was all set for second breakfast, though the mushrooms had already vanished. Pippin and Merry were chewing desperately.

"Visible again?" Lina asked, dropping down as well and taking the cool water bottle and putting it against her head.

"They had a smaller dose than me," Legolas replied, sounding like he was taking a seat. "Gandalf says one more day, perhaps two."

"I hear some girls have gone on hunger strike until you're visible again," Lina remarked. "They say it's a crime against nature that you can't be seen."

"More food for us then," Pippin smirked, wincing as a fly buzzed past.

"Shadow caught them trying to set free the Nuzguls in her room this morning," Frodo explained, biting into a toast.

"Accident!" Merry protested, mouth full of food. "Was dark. Tag read "Dark One" – Dark One, Dark Lord, very similar."

"Except with Dark Lords you can always count on them being distracted by each other," Frodo replied.

"What do you mean I put the Elf up to it?" Morgoth's clear voice came from the garden. "I think I would remember!"

"You are so senile you probably forgot!" Sauron shot back.

Yep – some things are always constant: The sun will rise; mini-Balrogs will spawn; Toey will strike; urple will be evil; and Dark Lords will fight.


	43. So Sayeth the Ten Tolkien Truths

It was – oddly enough – the sound of cheerful humming that woke Lina that morning. And it was obnoxiously early, for the sky had just begun to turn grey-ish.

Was that the Fellowship jingle someone was humming? Groaning, Lina tried to reach for a pillow to cover her ears. Too late she realised Gimli had snagged the pillows.

Finally she just cursed and got up. As you quickly learn at OFUM, when the Universe is set on waking you up, there is little you can do but get up. Or it'll try harder, and you really don't want that.

Yawning, Lina trotted through the hallway and into the great hall (she didn't want to wake Gimli, he need his sleep, poor darling). Someone had lit the fireplace, and the smell of pipe weed lingered in the air. And by the table sat Elrond and Aragorn, deep in conversation.

"Immortal," Elrond said.

"Mortal," Aragorn replied.

"Immortal!"

"Mortal, my Lord."

Aragorn looked up as the stair tweaked under Lina, and she made a mental note to never try to sneak up on a ranger and an Elf Lord. They could easily think she was eavesdropping and last time Elrond had thought someone was eavesdropping – ow.

"Ah, miss Holling. Good morning."

"Hey," she said hesitantly. "Were you discussing Arwen? Because I can leave if you want privacy."

"Arwen?" Elrond sounded puzzled. "We were talking about hormones. What do you say: Mortal or Immortal?"

"Immortal."

Elrond looked pleased, and pushed out a chair for her.

"You have read for my class today, I trust?" he asked pleasantly (though with a hint of 'Value Your Life and Answer Yes').

"Yeah, 'Why Three Being Sacred Does Not Mean a Threesome'. Was very… Em…" she searched in vain for a good word. "Enlightening."

The humming came again, and Miss Cam turned the corner, looking fired up (she usually was when humming).

"Good morning, my Lords, Lina – I am proud to announce the Ten Tolkien Truths are done!"

Bromir and Bormier jumped up and down, excited. Some of the other mini-Balrogs begun to stir as well, with Saruon giving Sarumon a kick in the wings.

Elrond rubbed his hands. "At last. Are they ready to be spread and preached?"

Miss Cam nodded, handing both Elrond and Aragorn a parchment, the ink gleaming like gold.

"What is it?" Lina asked, angling her head to try and read upside-down.

"Thou Shalt Honour..." she began.

"No, no," Elrond interrupted. "They must be proclaimed. There is only one that can do it properly. Mouth of Sauron!"

"What?" the Mouth of Sauron came out of his room, looking tired.

"Proclaim the Ten Tolkien Truths, would you? He is fabulous with voices," Miss Cam explained. "Do it Valar style."

"Fine," the Mouth of Sauron replied, grabbing the parchment. Taking a deep breath, his voice suddenly loomed through the whole hall, through the whole University in fact.

"Thou Shalt Honour Tolkien's Name By Spelling His Name Right.  
Thou Shalt Not Bow To Toey – the Path Of Enlightenment Leads To 'Spell Check'.  
Thou Shalt Not Lie. Canon IS Canon.  
Thou Shalt Not Steal Characters, But Borrow, and Return Them Whole and Recognisable.  
Thou Shalt Not Create a Mini-Balrog.  
Thou Shalt Beware the Mary Sues And Be Ever Vigilant.  
Thou Shalt Read As Much As Ye Write, So Thy Knowledge Of What Is Good And Bad May Grow.  
Thou May Desire, But Thou Shalt Not Stampede.  
Honour Thy Beta For They Lead You On the Path Of Greatness.  
Honour Thy Reviews, But Honour Constructive Criticism More.  
So Sayeth the Ten Tolkien Truths!"

There was a long silence.

"Am I done?" the Mouth of Sauron said grumpily, handing the parchment back. "I need my sleep, how else shall I proclaim Sauron's evilness in the middle of the night whenever he pities himself?"

"Thank you, Mouth of Sauron," Miss Cam replied. "It's sad, really. He could have such a great career performing."

"Headmaster approved?" Elrond asked, just as Boromir came out of his room.

"Did you have to wake them now? Now they're at it again!" the human warrior complained.

"Yes, Elrond. And cheer up, Boromir. You have your seminar this weekend, take it out then."

Boromir looked visibly cheered up at the mere mention. "Oh yes… All those that think they can beat me, a man of war, raised to be a warrior, in single combat! While still looking beautiful!"

"I'm confident you will prove them wrong," Aragorn said, shaking his head. "It takes a life devoted to the craft to be a great warrior, not a sudden 'I shall pick up this sword and make Orc-stew' urge."

"Let us not forget the 'I shall do archery because it is more attractive' urge," Legolas added, walking in.

"Legolas, you are visible again!"

"Yes. I noticed that last night when I walked through the garden and Isabell suddenly tackled me. Then Nissa tackled her. And Stephanie tackled her. And Arielle her again. And Neko piled on top of her. And Kiore on top of her. Then Cas jumped on, with Melee hanging at her leg. And Cerridwyn and Ryven did a twin dive…"

"Yes, thank you, I think we get the picture," Miss Cam interrupted. "And I assume you slipped away in the confusion?"

"Faster than an arrow from the bow of Galadriel," Legolas replied. "Morning Lina. I must say, it is rather nice to be visible again after all. Merry and Pippin kept trying to get me to do pranks and offering me Elven wine."

Miss Cam shook her head. "If they weren't so adorable, I would have to talk to them."

"Where are Sauron and Morgoth? It has been quiet all night, not a single earthquake or bellowing insult," Boromir remarked.

"Anger therapy."

"Does it work?" Lina asked, helping herself to some mushrooms (as the hobbits were not up yet).

"Nope," Miss Cam replied. "It is in actual 'You Shall Not Reform Into Goodness' therapy, but we can't tell them that. See, becoming evil, that is easy. Staying evil when evil always loses, that is hard."

"Always loses?"

A small smile crept over Miss Cam's face. "Well – almost always."


	44. Dashing Dwarves and Other Great Plans

It was quite astonishing how popular Galadriel's class had become. Not only did all the students do all the homework, they even did extra assignments. Lina suspected it was the prospect of wooing a staff-member that had most students interested – but surely there was some kind of catch. There had to be.

Were the mini-Balrogs considered staff members, perhaps?

Troublesome thought. Oh well, it really wasn't that much a worry for her. Galadriel had already informed her that she had passed – managing to woo a dwarf. Mostly by accident, though.

Lina smiled. Her classmates really didn't know what they were missing. Perhaps she should start an organization spreading the word – recognition for dashing Dwarves! The Crusade for Greater Gimli Goodwill. 'Dare to be Different – Dare a Dwarf'.

She chuckled softly, only half listening to Sam and Rosie chatting merrily on about hobbit courtship (tickling the feet was considered a come-on? Hee.)

Life was good, wasn't it? The second semester was nearing the end, the third and last semester looked promising and…

Third and last. A sudden realisation came over her – she would have to leave this University in the not so distant future, and go back to her world. And Gimli – Gimli who had made her feel more alive than she ever had before – she would have to leave him too.

"And then you live happily until the end of your days," Sam said, beaming.

"Thank you, Sam," Galadriel smiled. "We shall have a pop quiz on this next week. Class dismissed."

Lina started gathering her books, when she noticed that a group seemed to linger behind.

"So are we ready?" Shada whispered in a low voice. Pennhothwen and Stephanie nodded, holding up synchronised hourglasses. Jera gave a thumb's up.

"I can't believe Éowyn agreed to help," Mytsie whispered.

"I convinced her it would stop Boromir from knocking on their wall every night," Tabby smirked.

"Tabby, ready to distract the mini-Balrogs?" Malien asked.

"Yes."

"I have the tea," Kala said, holding up a smoking pot. "But what about the warning that says 'Environmental Hazard'?"

"Ignore it," Thalia replied. "They just put it on so we won't all start drinking it and turn invisible. Remember, it's for emergency use only."

"All right. Then I declare Operation 'Starking Fun' started. Thalia, you get the basket for the clothes" Jera replied. "Let's go."

"Uh oh," Lina muttered, torn between curiosity and a wish to be elsewhere when that great plan blew up. They always blew up. It was a universal truth.

Perhaps she could just observe from a distance. But curiosity did kill the cat – though it did die satisfied. Oh what the heck. This she had to see.

The little group had obviously planned carefully, with Tabby distracting Saron and Morogoth who were on guard by the staff section (not that those two were the hardest to distract, mind you). The rest slipped in, and Lina waited.

To her astonishment, there was no cry, no explosion, no scream of terror. A few minutes later the group simply came back, basket filled with clothes.

What the…?

"We did it! We have the clothes of the whole staff!" Jera said excited. "I get to see Sam starkers!"

Lina stared after the group that wandered off excitedly, already arguing over who got what piece of clothing. Had the Universe failed? Only one way to find out…

Morogoth and Saron were busy comparing shadow size and didn't even bother looking up as she passed. The staff section seemed quiet enough, as it usually was on laundry and 'pesky cleaning day' as Miss Cam liked to call it.

"Hello Lina," Frodo said, walking out. He was cleaning the Ring (it was cleaning day, after all) and it was beaming proudly.

"You're dressed," Lina replied without thinking.

"What?" Frodo blinked. "You sound like one of the hobbit girls, but they usually say it with more disappointment."

"Sorry, I meant… It is laundry day, isn't it?"

"It is 'a' laundry day. Big staff, so we have different days."

"And today is….?"

"Evil's laundry day." Frodo shrugged. "Miss Cam said it made more sense that way, as they mainly wear black and dark colours should go together."

Lina stared at him. Then she broke down, laughing so hard she cried. Of course. Éowyn had probably 'forgotten' to tell the students that.

"I am telling you, I can make them stop laughing at you," the Ring said. "No one laughs at Frodo the Dark-But-Adorable."

"I'm… It's not Frodo… The CLOTHES!" Lina gasped.

"Yes, wear more dark, Frodo," the Ring went on.

What other ready advice the Ring had, she didn't hear. A sound was coming from the sauna. It sounded like a hundred Uruk-hais, all hissing.

Without thinking, Lina closed her eyes and shielded Frodo's (he was too astonished to protest). She was pretty sure stark naked Uruk-hai would make anyone go blind.

The crowd stampeded past, still hissing. Lina resisted the urge to open her eyes this time. Some things were just not worth knowing – like how Gandalf made his food, how mini-Balrogs breed, and how Uruk-hais looked naked.

"My gold! My gold!" the Ring whimpered. "How can I gleam golden ever again after seeing that?"

Lina dared open an eye to find the crowd had passed (and was heading towards the student's section, from the sound of it). Frodo blinked surprised, while the Ring went on whimpering

"What was that?"

"A hundred naked Uruk-hais, I think," Lina replied.

"Yes, and thank you *very* much for shielding Frodo and not me! I may be a Ring, but I have a fragile mind. Ow, ow, ow…"

"How bad could it be?" Lina asked, instantly regretting.

"They have TWO!" the Ring wailed. "TWO! And they're… They're…"

There was a brief silence. Then, as one, hundreds of students screamed (all except Jurtz, the Uruk-hai student, who of course knew all about how Uruk-hais were equipped) as one.

The cat was lucky. Curiosity killed it. It didn't have to live with the mental image.


	45. Much Ado About Names and Mini-Balrogs

"And so you see, a hobbit cannot be named 'Britney', no matter how much you love Britney Spears and wish you were like her," Miss Cam droned on. "Just as an elf is not named 'Ballad' even though she likes to sing them. And naming your character after a colour – I would reconsider. Especially if you like pink, or Valar forbid, urple."

The class merely groaned, some nearly falling asleep on their desks. There hadn't been much sleep yesterday – the Uruk-hais had ensured that.

"Who could have foreseen they'd like nakedness and form the 'Uruk-hai Nudist Society?" Dot muttered bitterly.

"I thought I'd go blind and fail in my Quest to uncover where Éomer is hiding," Curedhel replied miserably. "Lina, you can enter the staff section, have you seen him?"

"No."

"Then where is he?"

"Excuse me, I do believe I was talking," Miss Cam said sharply. "As I was saying, the Great Professor wrote up a whole language for you to find names in, so why must you invent names of your own?"

No one dared reply. Miss Cam was notoriously evil on days she had been awakened by a break-in attempt in the staff section (Aralome and Aldarona had joined up to get Legolas and Boromir and attempted to dress up as a mini-Balrog and thus get past the gate. Sadly, they did not know the secret mini-Balrog wing-shake and was discovered).

"Then don't do it. Now, it has come to our attention the horrid misspellings of a certain great Maia's name, so here to tell you to 'spell it right or be turned into something unnatural' is Gandalf."

Gandalf entered, clutching his staff protectively. Rather unfortunately someone had tried to steal it and managed to turn themselves into rabbits. The Nuzgul had gone wild, thinking there were bunny-babes to be had at last.

It had taken hours to sort that mess out and find all the missing bunny-students. And strangely enough, all the carrots had vanished even after they had been turned back to humans.

"Thank you, Miss Cam. I am Gandalf, that's G-A-N-D-A-L-F, not 'Gandalph' or 'Gandolf'. You may also call me Mithrandir – on second thought, maybe you better stick to Gandalf. It's easier to spell than Mithrandir. Incidentally, those students who stole my tea - I did not actually make the tea, it is my tea for… Ahem…" Gandalf trailed off. "Other purposes. You should not drink it."

"Other purposes?" Kala asked, worried.

Miss Cam smirked.

"Won't it be a wonderful surprise to find out? All right, read chapter seven, 'Bring Your Enemies Down With Laughter: A Guide To Idiotic Elven Names' for next time. Class dismissed."

The class left quietly, no one feeling particularly cheerful at all. It is hard to be cheerful when your mind is mentally throwing up, after all. Only Lina was somewhat happy (though she was not looking forward to Evil Minions. The Witch-Wall had apparently been polished for the occasion), humming softly as she made her way towards the library.

The library was fairly quiet, only Rose was huddled over a thick book on 'How To Intimidate The Young – A Lifetime of Fear in 10 Easy Steps'.

"How goes Elrond's great project?"

"Oh, swell," Rose replied without looking up.

"He settled on any particular approach yet?"

"He reckons you can never go wrong with fear."

Lina chuckled, remembering Elrond's great speech at dinnertime in the staff section the day before. The Elf Lord had decided to attempt to end all '10th Member Fanfics', an almost impossible task (even with a research assistant). But at least it gave him something else to focus on than rant at the students and sing his jingle (a jingle to make the Eurosong contest proud, really. Lina could even imagine Elrond performing it, with Elven backup singers and harps. 'And for Middle-earth, 12 points!').

A few of the mini-Balrogs were interestingly enough looking at a book entitled 'Supervisor: How To Be the Superest of Them All'. What were those little demons up to?

Come to think of it, the mini-Balrogs had been in hard training lately. And not just to be better at guarding, Lina had seen them practice writing and sitting at desks. It was almost as if they were practicing being – well, bureaucratic.

Miss Cam came marching in, looking terribly annoyed.

"Brandybook, Gloifendell, Glion – better get down to the kitchen. Some of the students had already taken a sip of Gandalf's tea and are shining so white they could be a Colgate ad for whitening. Honestly, they think that glow just comes of itself, and you turn from grey to white just like that? Anyway, Ragna wants to try to help them, so better go save them."

The three mini-Balrogs zoomed off, leaving Miss Cam to sink down in a chair.

"You all right?" Lina asked without even thinking.

"Yes, yes. I need a vacation. The mini-Balrogs's understanding of paperwork means using it to build a nest."

"Why do they need to know how to do paperwork?" Lina asked, alarmed. Several doom's day scenarios were played out in her mind – the mini-Balrogs taking over the tax department, the mini-Balrogs taking over the government…

"So they can be supervisors for the graduates, of course. Did you not read the small print on the back stating that upon graduation, you would get a mini-Balrog supervisor to make sure you follow the principles of OFUM?"

"Um, no."

Miss Cam grinned. "So none of the students know?"

"Not really."

"Oh my. How splendid. What did you think we would do with all the mini-Balrogs?"

"Umm… Keep them, I guess?"

"What would I need a mini-Balrog army for? They spawn faster than we can keep up. I should get a mini-Balrog list-keeper, actually."

Glancing down, Lina noticed that a terrified bunny was hopping down by her feet, a Nuzgul in pursuit.

"That would be our missing student. I better get her to Gandalf's – if I can tear him away from his new fangirl movement, 'Gone For Gandalf's'. Next thing you know, we will actually have 'Rancid for Ragna's'. Good grief."

"Perhaps if we had more male students that weren't Uruk-hais, it would help," Lina suggested. "Hormones might be less focused on one particular target then."

"Not a bad idea. Perhaps I will suggest it to the Headmaster. Come here, bunny-student…"

She picked up the struggling bunny, giving the Nuzgul a hard stare. The Nazgul-bunny hopped off, sulking.

"No rest for the wicked," Miss Cam said with a sigh. "Oh yes, and if you mention the plans for the mini-Balrogs to become supervisors, I will have to duck you in a vat of urple. This could be fun. The look on the students's faces – I think the whole staff should be there for that moment."

A mini-Balrog supervisor. Lina sighed. That ought to be fun – but hey, at least it was a permanent souvenir from Middle-earth.

She just wished it wasn't so – Evil.


	46. A Witch-Wall Named Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A mini-Balrogs come from genuine misspellings spotted in fanfics.

We all have some kind of irrational fear. Fear of spiders, for instance (although in Middle-earth that was rather expected and wise – if you don't fear a spider the size of yourself, you're either very brave or very dumb, or most likely - both).

Lina had learned to fear walls spewing poetry.

Not that she really had anything to fear from the Witch-Wall, it was just… She didn't really want to break his heart, no matter how cruelly twisted and black it was. And though he had fallen on her and been a menace to the world, there had to be some redeeming qualities in him, right?

Riiiiiiiiight. So, it was with a heavy heart she wandered into the lecture theater and spotted the gleaming wall standing proudly in front of the class.

"Miss Holling, future Witch-Queen," the Witch-Wall greeted her with and she groaned. "You look more exquisite than ever, a ruby of firey redness. I would bow to you had I legs. Or a back. Or an actual head."

"He has still not given up, eh?" Dot whispered.

"No."

"You should tell him about Gimli."

"I will, I will."

The room began to fill up, a few girls walking in very slowly. The mini-Balrogs had acquired a mini-Abyss skiing resort ('Caradrhas Alpine Centre: For Minis With Big Skiing Desires') and were apparently testing the laws of gravity by seeing how fast students went down the hill head first.

Needless to say, that was not a good way to start a day. Mercuria and Amy were particularly stiff, having slid down so fast the mini-Balrogs had to test again. And again.

Lina shook her head, dropping down next to Lotus and Jules (who were engaged in one of those 'Manly ruggedness versus Eternal beauty' debates – also known as the Aragorn versus Legolas debate) and trying to sink down in the chair as far as she could. Perhaps she could hide behind Sunsong the Silver (who of course gleamed silver-ish, despite insisting the name was only because she specialised in gems. The light would possibly blind the Witch-Wall).

"Today we shall talk about the language of evil," the Witch-Wall said, and gleamed (he really had been polish to the point of being painfully bright). "It is not enough to look evil, you must also speak evil. Nazgûl Two, show them!"

"Sssssshire. Bagginsssss," Nazgûl Two hissed.

"Thank you. When you hear that, will you think this is a) a nice stranger looking for directions or b) evil troublemaker?"

"How about c) idiot with a lisp?" Niamh muttered.

"Other voice effects for evilness is adding a weird echo, sounding like you're spitting every word, booming, or speaking a language with lots of consonants and oddly-placed vowels."

"Ash nazg," Nazgûl Three said proudly. "Nazgûl Three remember that from great speech of Sauron."

"Mastering this art of evil hissing is vital to being an evil minion," the Witch-Wall went on. "Evil Overlords…"

"Or Evil Overladies," Gami added .

"Fine - Evil Overpersons have mastered this art, but since they are evil by reputation they do not necessarily employ it any more."

"What do you mean by that?" Sauron hissed, sticking his head in. "I hiss better than any of you sorry excuses for evil!"

"We refer to Morgoth," Nazgûl Six said hurriedly.

"What? I hiss!" Morgoth peeked in through the window (sitting on Barlog the Balrog).

"You do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do TOO!"

"Let us find the Valar and let them decide who hisses the best."

"Agreed."

They stalked off, leaving the Nazgûl to snicker quietly.

"Also vital to know for Evil Minions: Evil Overpersons very vain," Nazgûl Two said.

"Look who is talking, Mr. Polish Armour Till It Outshines the Silmarils," Nazgûl Three muttered.

"You add extra spike on boot to look scary!"

"You steal my spike!"

"Shut up," the Witch-Wall said. "Work on the hissing and cackling for the exams, students. Class dismissed."

Lina made a bolt for the door, but she was not quite fast enough.

"Lina, good though thee is  
perhaps thee will grant a kiss?"

She turned and regard the Witch-Wall, who beamed proudly and something inside her just snapped.

"I am taken, all right? I have a boyfriend! His name is Gimli and I love him very much! So please just… Sod off!" she answered hotly.

There was a long silence, and Lina realised that of course Gimli had showed up behind her and overheard. Of course.

"Excuse me, I was just after some hot lovin', not a commitment," the Witch-Wall replied. "Hey, Moroko – evil to evil is best, how about you show me your zest?"

Lina shook her head and slipped into the hallway. As expected, Gimli was there, looking torn between surprise and joy.

"You just gave all the other students a heart attack," he said admiringly.

"Except those with the Crusade for Greater Gimli Goodwill," she replied, and smiled. Strange, she did not feel embarrassed about having proclaimed it to the world.

Gimli chuckled, and they began wandering down the hallway.

"There is a bit of an emergency in the staff section," he informed her. "The mini-Balrogs are all worked up over a new spawning. This morning we had Isilder, Issilder and Ilsidur and they nearly tackled poor Frodo had not Gamagee jumped in. Gimlei helped too, bless him. There are so many mini-Balrogs now Miss Cam and Thundera Tiger have problems getting them all trained."

"Oh dear," Lina muttered. As they walked into the staff section, she noticed the trio of mini-Balrogs (Isilder, Issilder & Ilsidur) jumping around, being chased by Saron and Saruon.

"You are kidding me!" Miss Cam said just as they entered the great hall.

"Afraid not," Shadow said sadly.

"That person deserves an unusual cruel punishment," Dwimordene said. "One hour of Britney Spears lyrics and banned from writing Mary Sues fanfics forever should be a good start."

"Valor? VALOR?" Miss Cam sounded torn between despair and rage. "Of all the things to misspell, it had to be the Valar. Do you know what this means?"

"I think I do," replied Thundera Tiger. "Mini-Balrog gods."

"Woe is the students."


	47. Pool Parties and Ass-Kickings

There are pool parties, and there are OFUM pool parties. And there are ass-kickings, and there are OFUM ass-kickings.

"Anyone else care to try?" Boromir asked, looking like all his Valar-days had come at once (they didn't celebrate Christmas in Middle-earth, of course). Silver Rose was limping away, clutching her side as well.

"Who would have known fighting would be so hard?" a girl whispered, but not quite low enough.

"It takes years to become a warrior. It takes decades to become a good warrior! It is not a spur of the moment, 'now I shall become the greatest warrior ever' concept," Boromir replied, annoyed.

"But can't you just take this sword and… Ow!" the girl exclaimed (Lina thought she was one of the Legolas Lusters), lifting one of the swords and then promptly dropping it on her foot. "That is heavy!"

From the staff area of the garden came a wave of laughter. The staff was having a pool party, celebrating something mysterious and getting great entertainment from Boromir's seminar, 'How to Kick-Ass and Die With Grace And Plot Relevance (Not Just To Ensure Your Lust Object Will Always Love You and Pine)'. So far he had done the ass-kicking spectacularly. Even Lina, who'd had axe lessons from Gimli, had quickly been outmaneuvered. Her bum still hurt.

A few of the Legolas Lusters had attempted archery, and only managed to litter the pool with arrows (they were of course attempting to shot down an apple from the tree near Legolas, to impress him). One had hit Barlog the Balrog, but luckily the fiery demon was in need of a toothpick and didn't seem to mind.

Elrond, who was present to show off elven ass-kicking, sent Amy a nasty look. The girl had annoyed him to death with her theory of Elves being aliens ('We are not ailens! We have no illnesses, so nothing ails us!' he had replied, and any attempt to explain what aliens actually were had rather failed.), and thus he had kicked ass even more than usual. Lina's right arm still hurt from that.

Elrond's two sons had appeared as back-up (and to spread the word of S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M, of course), and quite a few of the elven girls had lost the ability to speak sensibly when they had appeared. Turns out Legolas wasn't unusually gorgeous for an Elf. Sadly, Elladan and Elrohir didn't let ogling stop them from kicking ass. Lina's back still hurt from that.

"No one?" Boromir asked again, smiling grimly. Robyn swooned.

Ashelgrin, one of the male hobbits (which resulted in him quite often being mistaken for Frodo, Sam, Pippin or Merry – 'It is so hard to tell the hobbits apart from above!' was a common excuse) was clutching his head. Not because Boromir had kicked his ass, but rather because the Valor mini-Balrogs had tried testing their powers and grow a tree on his head. Luckily his friend Ross, another of the male students, had put down 'Maia' as species and thus had enough powers to reverse the spell.

The Valor really made life – interesting. Luckily, even the Valor knew well enough to obey Miss Cam. But quite a few of the students were nearly sacrificed by the normal mini-Balrogs in a tribute to the Valor. Of course, the sacrifice wasn't that bad, it just involved dipping students in a vat of urple, and urple does bring out your best features (because compared to urple, anything is beautiful).

Lina sighed as Boromir went on to demonstrate the use of a shield. Her left arm still hurt from his last demonstration.

Bri and Aranel were engaged in an intense whispered conversation, strangely enough sending Lina a few glances. If they were having a 'how can she stand to be with a dwarf?' conversation, Lina was prepared to get an axe and kick their asses as well as she could. Perhaps even tattoo 'the Crusade for Greater Gimli Goodwill' on their foreheads (pretty much all the students had reacted that way to the news of Lina and Gimli, save Iocane, who had instead tried to pry all the details out of Lina, especially… ahem.. intimate details).

"Lina," Bri said hesitantly. "We have a… Biological question."

"Yessss…."

"You know how Uruk-hais had… You know, two?" Aranel asked, wincing.

"Yeah…"

"Well, they have part Orc in them, right? What if they got that aspect from Orcs?"

"What about it?" Lina replied, not quite seeing where they were going.

"Orcs came from elves, right?" Bri went on. "So what if the Orcs got it from the elves, and the Elves have two as well?"

"So we were wondering if you had ever – being in the staff section and all – gotten a glimpse of perhaps Legolas or Elrond in a less dressed state?"

"If you three are so engaged in conversation, you must already know all this," Boromir said, interrupting before Lina could reply. "Perhaps then you will care to demonstrate the use of a two-handed sword in combat?"

The demonstration lasted exactly two seconds, as none of them even managed to lift the sword.

"It looks so easy in the movie," Amy complained, having had no luck even managing to draw a bow. "My fingers hurt."

"That is because you are supposed to fire an arrow and not yourself," Boromir replied. "Now, I think we all have realised fighting is not easy, and requires trained skills. Agreed? Or shall I demonstrate more?"

A chorus of 'Agreed' quickly waved through the crowd.

"Good. Now onto the next part of this seminar, dying with plot relevance. Now anyone can just drop dead, be killed by Uruk-hais or managing to trip over their own sword." He sent a few of the students pointed looks.

"Dying in such a way the plot can progress and with sense is a hard task. Now, why did I die?"

"Because the fates are cruel," Robyn muttered.

"No – so I could be redeemed. I cursed Frodo, and by dying to save Merry and Pippin, I redeem myself."

"Not that we are complaining or anything, but you didn't actually save us," Merry called from the staff garden.

"But of course everyone is ungrateful, un-appreciative and you'll soon be forgotten, especially when this new 'movie' comes, and I am no longer there," Boromir said bitterly.

"At least you're in it!" Glorfindel called. "We in S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M get no recognition! I fight a Balrog single-handedly, and get what? Ignorance!"

"I like you," Barlog the Balrog said slowly. "He was stupid Balrog. Disgrace to race. You do us a favour."

"Yes, I remember," Glorfindel replied. "The first ever Balrog to cross-dress."

"How exactly does a Balrog cross-dress?" Lina asked hesitantly, not sure she actually wanted to know.

"He refuse to carry whip. Insist it was too 'masculine'. He prefer stiletto," Barlog the Balrog muttered, although his muttering was like a small thunderstorm.

"Choice of weapon is very important," Boromir injected. "Perhaps then you should all restrict yourself to butter knives."

He smiled. "How I have longed to say that. Class dismissed."

There was a brief silence, a few longing looks towards the pool party and then…

"Will the students ever learn not to stampede?" Boromir said with a sigh.

"Barlog the Balrog handle this," the Balrog said. "Students make good pool toys."

And thus, the staff had a most entertaining pool party while the students – well, they got a good soaking.


	48. Woo, Woo, Woo Your Wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Woo, Woo, Woo Your Wall' is to the tune of 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'

Lina couldn't help but smile as Dot entered the library, looking like all the grief in the world had been put on her.

"How was it?"

"Horrid!" Dot exclaimed. "Stupid Witch-Wall. Can they really do that? Force all of us to woo the Witch-Wall to pass Galadriel's subject?"

"You all drew his name, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but it was clearly rigged."

"I suppose Galadriel thought it a proper payback. Did you pass?"

"Yeah," Dot muttered, getting a look from Jean the Librarian-Assistant, a look that quite clearly said 'Quiet, or Miss Cam Will Come With Her Paddle And You Really, Really, Really Don't Want That'.

"What are you reading, anyway? You've passed all the exams, even Elrond's. You and Sorne were top of the class."

"Well, I didn't exclaim 'But ten is a more logical number!' in the middle of the exam for starters."

Dot winced. "Yeah, poor chick. How many times did he force that one to write 'I shall listen to Lord Elrond'?"

"Nine hundred and ninety-nine times, of course," Lina replied. "But honestly, his class ain't that hard. At least not when you can hear him rehearse exclaiming the questions dramatically the night before the exam. 'Why is NINE logical?' and so on."

Dot eyed her. "You're starting to scare me, spending all that time in the staff section and all the reading you do... I would almost think you were aiming for a staff position."

Lina laughed nervously. "Who, me? Never."

"Riiiiight. You aren't the only one either, you know. No one wants to leave! Of course, no one wants to fail graduation either, and be subjected to the horror of the Ringbarer."

"Nope," Lina replied. "Just the idea of 'Toey Bares It All' for the rest of your life makes most student run away screaming. We really should have read that small print on that enrolment form. What did Miss Cam do to the student who wanted to drop out anyway?"

Dot shrugged. "Do you really want to know?"

"Good point."

Kris and Bryne entered, both looking equally horrified.

"Why couldn't Galadriel had let me woo Gwaihir the Windlord?" Bryne complained.

"Because that image would have put her in a coma," Kris relied. "Though I would have been willing to comfort her afterwards."

Harle the mini-Sky-Dragon came trotting after them. Though she had put on her enrolment form that her species mostly looked like 'ordinary people' and not so much the typical dragon, the registration office thought it was rather sad she could not be dragon-like all the time – and thus arranged for her to be. Of course, dragons are big and the University was mostly built for humanoid sizes, so they had decided she could be a mini-dragon.

On the plus side, Glorfindel did like to bring her along to S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M meetings to translate what Smaug rambled on about (though technically he was of The Hobbit, no one wanted to deny him entrance to the meetings. Dragons threw the worst tantrums).

"Worst exam of them all," Kris complained, dropping down on a chair.

"I found it easy," Zikulkodar replied, entering with her sister Mor'loki in tow.

"That's because you're evil. That's like cheating. He instantly likes you," Dot muttered.

Lina smirked, remembering that the Witch-Wall actually didn't care much about what side you were on (and more about what bra-size you were) . Though the Evil Minions exam had been quite evil – the real test had actually been if you could make another student fail at the out-hissing and out-cackling. And thus, since everyone had failed, everyone had passed, too.

Gimli and Legolas had probably passed them all just to get away from the Wringwraiths, who were great guards, but even greater fondlers (to the point of Legolas complaining he almost preferred stampedes. Almost. Phoenix Song had managed to change his mind when tackling him before the exam). And Miss Cam had passed them all, probably so she could torture them for another semester. She was going to teach 'Know This, or Know the Power of a Swift Kick to the Bum: LotR General Knowledge', and had brought out her special Canon-Accurate Paddle to shine up in preparation.

Quite a crowd was beginning to gather in the library of students having finished the exam, although few seemed to want to read (which did not make the Librarian happy).

"I fear Poetry the coming semester," Mor'loki said. "Tom Bombadil as teacher – we're all doomed."

"Hey, we do get Pippin and Merry in Hobbit Home Delights," Lily replied, cheerful.

"Much more fun if Frodo had taught it," Liela muttered.

And that of course launched the Hobbit War, Cute Comic Relief versus Suffering Huggability, round three hundred and something. Lina had honestly lost track. She just knew it always ended the same way – one or both of the Dark Lords showing up and a few explosions later, the library had to be rebuilt. Again.

So Lina slipped out in between the barricading and paperball bombing of the two sides, clutching her book. She passed Morgoth in the hallway, looking like a kid with a new toy (his 'Putting the Dark in Dark Lord' was up for this last semester as well, so the Dark Lord was trying to be even more evil than usual in preparation. Though Sauron was probably plotting to interrupt, conspiring with Rabagast, Radagast's evil twin. Saruman had changed side, after all).

She smiled sadly. One semester left. She would miss even the Dark Lords – though she was quite sure she would NOT miss the Witch-Wall.

She looked down at her book, 'Dwarvish for Dummies Who Wish to Be Enlightened.' It would of course help her with 'Alas, No Dude Here: Languages in Middle-earth' for the upcoming semester, but she had another reason for learning it.

Her own woo-object - Gimli.

And though it was just one semester left, she intended to enjoy it. Starting with payback for all those horrid poems the Witch-Wall had subjected her to (especially late at night) – she would read him the hour long poem from Tom Bombadil on why urple was not that bad a colour (she had asked for it for this very occasion).

"Woo, Woo, Woo Your Wall,  
Now it's time to pay," she sung happily and entered the toilets.

It took five minutes before he was begging for mercy.


	49. Alas, What a Mental Image!

All too soon vacations come to an end, and new semesters come to a start.

Unless of course you liked classes. Then you'd be jumping for joy that the third semester had started at OFUM. But even the most dedicated student would probably not be happy with the first subject of the new semester. Or more specifically, the teacher.

"You AGAIN?" the whole class moaned, as the teacher for 'Alas, No Dude Here: Languages in Middle-earth' stepped into the lecture theater. Even Celebrían and Arien looked wary.

"Yes, once again you shall all have the pleasure of me as a teacher," Elrond relied. "I am sure you are all as thrilled as me."

"I'm happy!" Sorne protested.

"I am not," Elrond replied. "Now, the subject is languages in Middle-earth. We will briefly touch on the many languages spoken, as well as the things we do not say. That means your modern slang, students. If someone utter such words in this class, Celedrian and Elond will be happy to teach you to scream in the proper Middle-earth way."

The class groaned.

"That explains the long booklist," Lillian muttered. "I thought I'd gotten the list of new books available in the library by mistake."

"No, that one is actually shorter," Himlaithiel replied.

Lina only smiled. Elrond had been asking advice on clothing to wear yesterday ('Purple or yellow? Which is most terrifying?'), so she'd had a fair idea he would be the teacher.

"We shall begin with the language of Men," Elrond went on (and he had gone with purple).

"Oh, English?" a student said, forgetting the cardinal rule of 'Never blurt anything out in Elrond's class, he will blurt back at you'.

"No," Elrond said through clenched teeth, giving the student the Elven Death-Stare. "Not English. No one in Middle-earth speaks English. The language is called Westron, or Common Speech."

"How come we understand you now then?" Paul asked (the only student to love Toey, he had even started the cult of 'Spread Seedy Spelling'. It seemed to be going quite well).

"How come Sauron is here, yet Frodo has the Ring? How come Boromir is still alive? How come I have not sent you all out as Orc-fodder?" Elrond said grimly. "All valid questions which you will never get the answers to, because it is 'none of your business'. See, I can master your way of speaking. You should then be able to master Middle-earth phrasing."

"No worries," Jo said confidently in her Australian accent.

Elrond groaned.

"I can see this will take time. But fear not. I have plenty of time." Elrond smiled. "You, on the other hand, have not. For next week, a thousand words essay in Westron of the consequences of speaking English in Middle-earth. Winning Legolas over is not an acceptable conclusion."

"Bummer," Aralome muttered.

"So, let us open 'Waking the Westron Within', the chapter on 'Alas Is An Asset', please. Read it, we will discuss it when you have finished"

The class began the hard task of lifting the book onto the desks without cursing (which was sure to result in another lecture from Elrond, and all the lunch eaten by the hobbits by the time class was dismissed), Lina managed it at the second try. All the axe practice was beginning to pay off.

She smiled. The break sure had been interesting. Especially the… Ehm… Theater play the Valor had preformed. Miss Cam had probably given them permission to keep them busy. The play had been rather….

Interesting. It had been a re-enactment of Dagor Dagorath (the end of the world, but you didn't find that out until they started running around and attacking you. That way it was more an accurate portrayal, apparently, since very few of the students had known what it meant), complete with audience participation. Despite some lighter injuries, it had been a roaring success (literally). Now the Valor had taken the play on tour, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

There was just the normal mini-Balrogs to deal with now. Not that that wasn't trouble enough. There was even a Treebread now, who had become a sort of uncle for BreadLegs, probably feeling a bond through the similarity of names.

Lina just hoped she got one of the Gimli-spawned mini-Balrogs as supervisor (and not 'Golem')– that is, unless she managed to…

Okay, best to focus on the uses of 'Alas' and not foolish hopes.

"Hey, I got you something in Minas Tirith," Dot whispered. "You should have come. It was a wonderful week, even when Rain spotted Rosie and tried to lock her into the 'Foot-hair care for hobbits' place and the Nuzgul came to the rescue. For rabbits they sure kick ass."

"I had fun here while all of you were away," Lina whispered back. "Oh, and I found out where Éomer has been this whole time."

"Oh, where?" asked Curedhel excitedly.

"Therapy. You see, when they started this, to get everyone to agree to participate, the OFUM leadership sent possible staff some stories to show why this University was needed. And sadly, there was a teeny weeny mix-up in the mailing department. They sent Éomer a… Ahem… Differently paired slash story than the intended Éomer/Legolas."

"What pairing?"

Lina shuddered. "You really don't want to know."

"Sure we do! How bad can it be?"

"A Britney Spears songfic with Aragorn and Sauron being lovey-dovey."

There was a long, stunned silence. Elrond was too busy giving the Death-Stare to a student chewing gum and at the same time making her hair become gum to pay attention to the conversation.

"So he has been recovering in therapy," Curedhel muttered. "Poor, poor Éomer. I should comfort him. After I wash my brain and scrub that image away."

"I'm after you," Dot muttered miserably. "Alas, what a mental image!"

"What mental image?" Cenire asked. And thus the horror spread. It wasn't all for nothing though – for if that didn't teach you when to say 'alas', nothing ever would.


	50. The Woes of Royalty and Misplaced Commas

There is something quite right about waking up in a warm bed, beard tickling your cheek and the smell of mushrooms in the air. Lina was getting used to it, but by no means was she getting bored. How could you when there was always screaming somewhere, and always a good Sauron/Morgoth fight?

Who needed television when you had real life entertainment, delivered to you with the rooster's crow? Or sometimes with the strangling of the rooster (usually done by whoever had not slept properly– which usually was Boromir, poor man).

Sure, you may not be able to go to McDonald's for breakfast, but perhaps that was just as well. Lina had put it on her list of 'Ultimate Evil' suspects, just because she had explained the concept to Radagast and Rabagast, who had started planning McIstari. Clearly it spread with the speed of evil. Just as long as Gandalf stayed out of it, it shouldn't be too bad though.

Leaving Gimli to sleep (he needed his rest, she had great plans for the evening – the whole 'You wooed me, now let me woo you' was working *very* well), she gabbed her 'All The Things You Should Know Already, So You Should Never Read Me' book. It was the infamous LotR general knowledge subject today; Miss Cam had been shining up her Paddle of Canon Accuracy for the occasion. Aragorn, who was to do the guest lecture on royalty, was not quite that happy. He had been trying the 'If they don't see me, they'll forget me' technique on his Aragorn Adorers, and this would remind them all of his 'rugged manliness' all over again.

The hall was fairly quiet, most already up and on their projects of the day.

"Good morning, Lina," Thundera Tiger said, staring absentmindedly at the huge long table in the hall, a long table that had not been there yesterday.

"If this doesn't show you the danger of a misplaced comma and odd capitalisation, nothing ever will," Dwimordene said, shaking her head. "Honestly, what are we to do with the Long Table Elrond?"

"Perhaps the Headmaster needs for a new table? An immortal table must be useful. I just hope this is not a new trend. What's next, Rocking Chair Sauron?" Thundera Tiger shuddered.

"I will get right on suggesting a new GrammarBootCamp on comma rules," Dwimordene replied. "Having the Witch-Wall is enough. We do not need more furniture with personality"

"Though it could be fun…"

Deciding she didn't really want to know, Lina walked on hurriedly. Best not to be late for class.

She just made it as the last few students slipped into the lecture theatre, and Jocelyn and Lotus were fighting over the seat nearest to Aragorn. The man himself looked like he would have been happier cleaning Sauron's eye.

"Sit down," Miss Cam said icily. "This is 'Know This Or Know the Power of the Swift Kick to the Bum', or rather a swift twop with my Paddle of Canon Accuracy. In short, we will look at all these things you should know already, so this class should be quite easy, or what?"

She smiled.

"For instance, how many Rings of Power were there?"

"Twenty," chorused the class.

"How many Dark Lords?"

"Two."

"How many in the Fellowship?"

"Ten," half the class went, before pausing in horrified silence. Elrond peeked his head in, looking ready to murder.

"Good. Elrond, I have the volunteers for your grand 'There Is No Logic in Ten' banner. Students, I expect everyone who said 'ten' outside to help make it tonight. And my mini-Balrogs made a mental note of your names, rest assured."

"Excellent," Elrond muttered, sending a few death stares before he left.

"A giant banner?" Dot whispered to Lina.

"Yeah. Rose suggested he could fly Gwaihir with a giant banner behind saying 'There Is No Logic In Ten – Chose Nine' whenever he felt agitated over the numerology of the Fellowship being ruined."

"Beats him taking it out on us."

Iocane leaned over. "Hey, Lina, you and I could do that with the Crusade for Greater Gimli Goodwill. 'See the Light, Lust a Dwarf', what do you think?"

"Gimli does have a quite a few unmarried cousins," Lina replied. "And Legolas would help, if that cut down the number of Legolas Lusters."

"Has he had any luck with that?"

"After the appearance of Elrond's sons, plenty."

"Who wouldn't adore those two?" Atacarme shot in. "It's double the eye-candy!"

"Excuse me, did I say this subject was Lusting and Drooling 101?" Miss Cam interrupted. "Trail your thoughts back to the Path of Pureness now."

"Mmmm, pure evil of Toey," Paul muttered, getting a few pointed looks. Lina groaned, not really wanting to remember that Toey had come looking for comfort ('BreadLegs doesn't love me anymore!') and ruined her whole romantic dinner the night before. Since when had she become the hand to cry in (Toey didn't really reach to her shoulder, after all) for evil? Morgoth had given her an odd look the other morning as well – that Dark Lord needed to get some. He was even eyeing Thundera Tiger and Dwimordene.

"Today students, we shall discuss Royalty. Real royalty, not the princess of somewhere-remote-and-unheard-of-that-suddenly-appaears-in-Middle-earth. There is no remote wood of Moonlight, no distant kingdom of ForeverBeauty. The Royalty of Men comes from Númenor – and here, the heir of Isildur, to tell you all about it. That's I-S-I-L-D-U-R, by the way. Not any other amusing spelling, we have quite enough Isildur-spawned mini-Balrogs stalking Phrodo and Frodoe already."

"Thank you, Miss Cam," Aragorn said, taking a deep breath and ignoring the puppy eyed looks focused on him. "Being royalty is not a ticket to start behaving as you please. It is a responsibility, a life-long commitment to the people. It takes a long time. You do not suddenly become King."

"You did," Meru shot in. "What, I'm just saying."

"I was raised by Elrond," Aragorn replied. "You want to be royal, you try being raised by him."

There was a collective shudder.

"Hey, I always said the common life was good," Meru muttered, with the whole class nodding.

Some things just weren't worth the stress.


	51. The Complications of Commas and Dates with Dark Lords

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dwimordene came up with the GrammarBootCamp again, rather peeved at stubbing her toe on Long Table Elrond. However, Miss Cam wouldn't mind a Legolas Hammock to rest in.

There is evil, and there is evil. Some evils are more like a splinter in your finger – mostly annoying, but hardly a big deal. Others are like urple paint – it hurts just thinking about them. And some evils are so old they have become a shadow of the past, a nameless fear – only to discover a few generations later, hardly anyone pays attention.

"What do you mean, 'you haven't heard of me'?" Morgoth thundered. "I was evil before the word was invented!"

Jocelyn squirmed. "I just… I just asked what part of Mordor you lived in because I hadn't heard of you. I…"

"I HAD MY OWN BLOODY STRONGHOLD!" Morgoth bellowed, in his quite fake Australian accent. He had listened in on a conversation between Lina and Miss Cam on hot Australian studs, and had decided perhaps that was what was needed to become a lust object. Sadly, he was doing it horribly.

Taking a calming breath, he gave the class a death stare (he might be old, but he knew his death stares).

"Forget all that Sissy Sauron taught you. This is advanced evil. In this class we will look at real evil – me. Voted 'Evilest Still' by the Elven council four millennia in a row. Destroyer of the Two Trees, re-possessor of the Silmarils…"

"The what?" one girl asked, eyeing the male student in front of her (Mike, who sadly was into slightly older women – he lusted after Yavanna, who was too shocked at having someone who actually knew who she was to mind).

Morgoth let out a throaty growl, making Knight Obi nearly purr.

"The Silmarils – the three great jewels that Fëanor created, but did not have the right skin tone for, so I repossessed them. They looked better on me."

"I thought that were the Silmirals," Marion the Retired Vampire Slayer (after all, no vampires in Middle-earth to slay and mini-Balrogs thought stabbing with pointed wood sticks was a new version of 'tag' and thus it was hard to stay in shape) said.

"No. Those are the marbles Fëanor sells a 'genuine' replicas," Morgoth snorted. "About as genuine as an orc's teeth."

Emily looked down at her marble, sighing. "I guess I won't lure Legolas in with that, then."

Lina shook her head, fingering her own Silmiral marble (Fëanor had sold them to nearly every student, as all wanted a souvenir of Middle-earth to take home). She had found a most constructive use for it, oh yes.

"So if you lived way back then, maybe you can answer a very important question for us," Chiara said, leaning forward eagerly.

"Of course. I know what you are going to ask - am I the best candidate for the Ultimate Evil? Yes, I am!"

"Um... We were actually thinking about Glorfindel – is there just one, or two – one from Rivendell and one from Gondolin? If so, are they equally hot?" Pachebel asked.

"*Important* questions you may ask, this is not 'give the hormones a voice.' Now that we are all clear on that, I hope you all have a copy of my autobiography, 'Evil Till the Bitter and Forgotten End' before I roast you all for breakfast. Incidentally, Miss Dwimordene has asked me to inform you all of the upcoming EmergencyGrammarBootCamp on commas and punctuation right after this class. There will be a test – whoever gets the worst result is the ever so lucky winner of a date with me. Runner-up gets to watch."

He paused to smile, showing of his bright, white, fanged teeth.

Lina smirked. Merry and Pippin had conspired and put both Ungoliant and Shelob on the list of students attending the BootCamp, and since either spider would show up, they would fail by default and 'win' the prize. Lina almost pitied Morgoth. Almost.

"I will test you all in the first chapter for the next class, as well as a randomly picked other chapters, just because I am evil. Also because I am evil, you will all now go outside and have GrammarBootCamp. I hope Saruman remembered to get me a good seat…"

Swallowing nervously, the class wandered outside, everyone looking as if they'd rather eat a sweaty sock.

"Welcome!" Miss Cam declared, standing in front of Long Table Elrond on the great lawn. "Today we shall talk about commas, so that I may perhaps for once have a decent night's sleep and not be woken by some freaky happening."

"I have a very bad feeling about this," The Elf Who Walks Alone muttered.

"How bad can it be?" Ross asked, staring warily at the table.

"Remember the last one?" Aldarona shot back.

"No, I blacked out on the second mini-Balrog body slam."

"Lucky," Maiya muttered. "My back still hurts."

Miss Dwimordene smiled in a particular nasty way.

"Commas and clauses," she began. "We love commas because they are our friends and prevent random pieces of furniture from appearing in the great hall. One should be mindful of the separation of clauses, lest ye suffer greatly from your own creations (see how that happened? There's a comma separating the parts of the sentence that deal with different aspects of a train of thought). Witness the fate of she who created the Long Table Elrond by carelessly omitting the comma that would've separated the introductory clause from the main clause. If you look up you should see her passing over now."

"You mean that dot screaming 'aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh' high up there?" Phoenix Song asked.

"That's just the excitement of being part of a true mini-Balrog training session," Dwimordene replied, exchanging a glance with Miss Cam. "We take volunteers these days, so feel free to sign up. Now, you'll be excited to learn that the minis find the table an excellent landing platform, and Farimir in particular enjoys practicing carrier landings. So our lucky 'volunteer', the proud creator of Long Table Elrond, has earned a free demonstration of Farimir's landing prowess... Which, alas, is not all that stunning, unless 'stunning' refers to the force of his landing."

The class winced.

"Notice, by the way, the use of the commas to form an appositive phrase in the previous sentence. We know what an apposition is, yes?" Dwimordene went on. "It's the substitution of nouns meaning the same thing in a sentence, as in: you, the suffering students, will shortly be needing tweezers to pick the splinters out of your sorry hides after the minis have finished landing practice."

"This is going to be painful, isn't it?" Isabell asked.

"Oh yes. So was tripping over Long Table Elrond in the dark. But I wouldn't try skipping the test. Malien tried skipping 'Putting the Dark in Dark Lord' today," Miss Cam replied. "She's in detention, teaching the mini-Balrogs the Macarena. Now sit down and do the prepared test. Shadow is being a leaf in the wind today, so I wouldn't try cheating. Thundera Tiger, I believe we already are clear on who 'won' the date with Morgoth?"

"Yes. Ungoliant and Shelob."

"What do you mean, Ungoliant and Shelob?" Morgoth asked. "SAURON! You did this!"

"Now, now," Sauron grinned, winking at Lyle. "I am sure you and Ungoliant have a lot of old memories to relive and most importantly – I'm still the only Dark Lord with a love slave."

Lina winced, already knowing where this would end. At least the Long Table Elrond now came in handy – a better shelter from Dark Lords throwing Spitballs of Doom on each other was hard to find.


	52. Pipe Weed and the Rules of Cricket

Lina walked through the hallways humming, trying not to slip in the pools of water scattered about. They were from Morgoth's attempt to hose down Ungoliant and Shelob, the two spiders having decided he would make a good footrest for their many feet sometime during the 'date'.

He had escaped, but only because Radagast and Rabagast had been walking by and had managed to ruin Shelob's prize web in the shape of a wanted poster of Sam ('Preferably Dead And Without Sharp Objects'). Rabagast had been taken by the two spiders and since he was evil, no one cared. Except everyone was rather worried that perhaps it was Radagast that been taken – no one could tell them apart after all. The big debate was therefore whether or not to rescue the wizard, but everyone was quite agreed that Ragna the Urple should be the one to make the attempt. Ungoliant loved to devour light, but even she wouldn't go near urple. She had her standards, after all.

Entering the lecture theatre, Lina found that predictably all the hobbits had taken the good seats in front, as Hobbit Home Delights was on the agenda. No one was quite sure what the subject was, but since it had cute little hobbits, it was bound to be good. Although some of the Elven girls had said that about Elrond's subjects…

Merry and Pippin entered moments later, flanked by a crowd of mini-Balrogs. Pippi, Marry and Pippen was ahead of the pack, looking like they were practicing line dancing. Lina decided she didn't really want to know.

"This subject is Hobbit Home Delights, your introduction to the life and cooking of hobbits," Merry began. "The exam will be practical and involve making a meal for myself and Pippin that we will find satisfying. That means it better have mushrooms, so start gathering. But first, Pippin and I would like to clarify something. Pippin?"

"Yes, Merry," Pippin replied. "We, the hobbits, are not children. We may be small and cuddly, but we are not children. We may act childish, but we do not walk around and need constant hugs."

"Nor are we a comedy act. We are not there simply to amuse while some female character chase Legolas or Aragorn. We do not trip over at any given chance, although some of us are balance-challenged," Merry coughed, a cough sounding remarkably like 'Frodo'. "I actually helped kill the Witch King!"

"We know, Merry. You do not have to bring it up at every chance you get."

"He was hard to kill, you know."

"So was the Balrog, and Gandalf does not brag about it ever chance he get."

"That is because Barlog the Balrog might get depressed if that is mentioned, Pip. It reminds him of one of those 'fanfics' he read. How would you like it if someone called your whip a tentacle? Poor Barlog, only wants to be loved. Right…Where were we?"

"The usefulness of hobbits," Tex injected, actually taking notes.

"Yes. In fact, if it were not for hobbits, Sauron would be horribly torturing everyone in Middle-earth," Merry replied.

"Instead of everyone in Middle-earth getting to torture us," Marzipan muttered in a low voice.

"Well put, cousin. For the record, Merry and I are related. That does not mean we go skinny dipping together or like to do 'biological studies' of each other, was that what Gandalf called it, Merry?"

"Yes, only with a barely contained laughter and something about how all hobbits probably were related anyway and how that would explain a great deal. Now, today we will talk about pipe weed."

The class sniggered.

"What is so amusing about pipe weed?" Pippin asked.

The class sniggered some more.

"You know, it's pipe… Weed," Linteloteiel replied.

"Yes… We know it is pipe weed," Merry said, interrupted by a new round of sniggers. "It is weed grown and smoked in a pipe."

The class seemed ready to giggle by now.

"Perhaps 'pipe' is another synonym for the you-know," Pippin suggested. "They have so many. Remember when Lina was explaining why humans didn't do it seven times a night? She used a lot of different words."

Lina blushed scarlet and quietly swore to herself she would have a little chat with Merry and Pippin. Those two knew bloody everything. Perhaps some mushroom would bribe them, it had worked on keeping the whole 'taking Gimli to a newly discovered cave' weekend a secret.

There was a loud rumble and thunder rolled in the distance. Could only mean one thing... Lina braced herself. Incoming Dark Lords.

"No way!" boomed Sauron's voice.

"Way!" Morgoth boomed back. "Three, my little Maia, three!"

"Oh shut up, Varicose-Valar! I refuse to believe you have three lusters after you."

"You will see…"

The two entered, oddly dressed in cricket equipment and looking like they had been in the middle of a game. They had to be training for the upcoming 'Lazy Git No More Sports Tournament' at the end of the semester.

"Excuse me, puny laughable mortals, but who here lusts after Morgoth?" Sauron asked, lifting his cricket bat.

Three hands were raised; Knight Obi, Tiffany and Vornamirë.

"Face it, anything you can do, I can do better," Morgoth smirked. "I can do anything better than you."

"No, you can't!"

"Yes, I can!"

"Hah! You haven't got a snowball's chance in Mount Doom of being 'Sexy Evil Bachelor' of the decade…"

"Pipe weed," Pippin said quietly, but the class heard, and of course, sniggered and giggled.

"YOU FIND THIS FUNNY?" Sauron blasted, spinning around.

"That will teach them to laugh at our pipes," Merry said satisfied, taking cover.

In the end, it turned out just as bad as Lina had suspected. The Dark Lords invented a new form of cricket, with students as live wickets ducking the balls and running around screaming. It quickly became the game of the year in evil circles.

And the students learned not to mock Middle-earth customs. Well, not really. But they could have, had they not been busy learning to duck.


	53. A Poem Quite Horrid When Lina Was Torrid

'A poem', he said, 'you must write'  
in his tone so ever light  
A big long poem for next class  
Otherwise she will not pass!  
So here is Lina's grand attempt  
Try to read it without contempt  
Even if it is really bad  
And just makes you oh so sad.

It was a day so warm and nice  
Even if the Nuzgul had got lice  
Lina woke from a high-pitched scream  
Seems Jillian, covered in cream  
Had tried to woo a certain Elf  
But instead became a balrogged self  
Peace returned though, soon enough  
Until Lina heard Gandalf cough

The old wizard had fallen sick  
After Barlog had given a lick  
A friendly action, really it was  
But indigestion the Balrog has  
Eaten one too many drop-outs  
And now he just sits and pouts  
For the Balrog only wants a hug  
And a student squished like a bug

Lina awoke, ready to lash  
She overslept and had to dash  
She was not of mornings fond  
Especially since she awoke in a pond  
Gimli had forgot to mention  
Ragna's new intervention  
That gave you instant morning bath  
But was mostly a cause to laugh

Annoyed she went to get clean  
But by the Witch-Wall she was seen  
He called out to her so bold  
'Let the Witch-Wall you hold!'  
Luckily, Gimli could throw an axe  
When the wall would poetic wax  
The great throw was such a turn-on  
And she tackled Gimli, Glóin's son

Morning came and went  
The wall wailed over his dent  
Tadad sneaked in to some Elrond spot  
She thought he was really hot  
Instead she over Toey tripped  
Who heavily into drinks had sipped  
He missed his wife something terrible  
And life seemed so unbearable

Poor BreadLegs was also sad  
But at Toey she was quite mad  
World domination was fine and dandy  
Would probably also come in handy  
But she wanted to get some sweet loving  
Not hear the about the constant shoving  
That Toey did with bad spelling  
Even in his own dwelling

Finally, Lina with Toey had a chat  
Convinced him he had been a brat  
Thinking only of himself  
And not his family in the shelf  
He wooed his BreadLegs for a day  
Until she would finally the words say  
'Oyoy!' she said and grinned at last  
That evening they had a blast

Poor Lina though, was late for class  
And still all covered in grass  
She ran like lightning through the halls  
Praying she'd not run into walls  
Especially the kind that spoke  
Horrid feelings it would evoke  
It was really quite a pain  
Bad poetry will drive you insane

Tom Bombadil was the master of that  
Wearing proudly his yellow hat  
With urple boots to nicely match  
As he taught the class how to hatch  
Those awful rhymes to praise his being  
And the many shades of green worth seeing  
Late as Lina was, she missed his ode  
Which very well for the day bode

She took a seat next to Grey Lady Bast  
Who looked so terribly aghast  
The ode had made her ears bleed  
But Bombadil had paid no heed  
He spoke and spoke and said some more  
Shaking everyone to the core  
How bad could poetry possibly be?  
For this was enough to make you flee

Lina tried to listen, she really did  
But in her mind a mental image hid  
Of darling Gimli in the buff  
Handsome, sweet and oh so tough  
It was nearly enough to make her drool  
And not think about that silly fool  
Who went 'eeew' at the mention of a dwarf  
And should be thrown off a wharf

She really had become quite smitten  
He made her feel like a naughty kitten  
Love was an odd little thing  
At least it didn't make her sing  
Like certain people tried to do  
So that they might Legolas woo  
Sadly, elves had quite sensitive ears  
And the singing only caused tears

No, lusting and loving were not the same  
Love was the fire, lust was the flame  
Legolas was mighty fine to behold  
But to Gimli her heart was sold  
Frodo was cute and sweet to hug  
But he did not fill her blood like a drug  
And Morgoth was evil and really no good  
Despite what he might hide under his hood

As class finally ended she ran to the door  
Bad poetry she could bear no more  
The class felt the same, looking numb  
Some students fearing they had gone dumb  
Brog even whimpered she was blind  
The urple boots were really not kind  
And thus it ends, a poem so awful  
It's a miracle it's even lawful


	54. Not So Quiet Evenings

Ah, the quiet evenings of the staff section. Poker Middle-earth style played on Long Table Elrond, what could be better?

"I will see that - and raise you ten Orcs," Sauron declared, staring hard at Morgoth.

"Fine," Morgoth replied, and laid down his cards.

"You cheated!"

"Of course I did! So did you! I only cheated better!"

Lina chuckled softly, leaning her head back in Gimli's lap, staring lazily into the fireplace. Legolas was sitting nearby, deep in discussion with Celeborn. The Elf Lord had many tips on how not to become a lust object. Sadly, one included having a wife that could read minds and spot possible rivals in the making – and then make them go insane.

Boromir had gone to bed, finally having solved his sleeping problem. Boramir had become an earmuff, the wings most excellent to block out noise and the mini was happy to do so given a plate of bacon.

Elrond entered, looking almost cheerful.

"Good evening, Lord Elrond," Miss Cam said, without looking up from the sketch she was drawing on.

"It is, most certainly. Meir Brin finished the layout for 'Naturally Nine', we are ready to launch," Elrond rubbed his hands together, smiling in a way that made Lina wince. The students were sure not to like Elrond's latest plan. "Does anyone know why Arwyn is looking like she got a new whip?"

"She has a lust object, first mini-Balrog to do so. I think that 70's Boy meant Arwen, but written is written."

"But Glorfindell moved into Penn's room," Lina lifted her head. "Ryven, her roommate, nearly had a heart attack."

"Glorfindell is in a fragile metal state after he had to go in and get Frodo out of a hobbit stampede and his whip got stepped on by Hunni Faboo. You know how Balrogs are about their whips," Miss Cam replied, eyeing her own. "Penn agreed to snuggle him back to fierceness. After all, if you can't have your lust object, why not the mini-Balrog version of him, or her for that matter?"

"Yet they never stop trying," Thundera Tiger said, patting Legoals and Grimli. "Today we had the first ever Witch-Wall stampede."

Lina jerked awake. "You had a what?"

"Neverhere and Seaweed both tried to tackled the Witch-Wall. He was delighted, but sadly Seaweed is an Ent and an Ent tackling a wall gave Saruman flashbacks."

"So that was the explosion and horrid screaming we heard," Lina muttered.

"No, the horrid screaming was from the new dungeon room we have," Dwimordene replied, looking up from her 'Success Rates of Threats' charts.

"For what?"

"Oh, this is something Miss Cam came up with. She has a theory that to write suffering self-inserted characters, you should pass the suffering test – listening to Britney Spears for an hour, then an hour of cricket, then an hour of grammar rules and finally, an hour locked with the Witch-Wall. Then you will know suffering, she claims."

"Oh, they will," Miss Cam replied, still drawing on her sketch. "I call it interactive learning. Besides, how will you write it well unless you know what it is like? I tried it on Shiana and Spider after I caught them trying to put sleeping pills in the bacon to give to the mini-Balrogs. It was most… Interesting."

"AHA!" Sauron spat, seeing Morgoth's cards. "I win this round!"

"I still have more lust objects," Morgoth replied smugly. "May has seen the seduction of *true* evil."

"You had your underwear stolen!" Sauron countered. "Are you at all… Drafty?"

Morgoth sent him a murderous look. "You try spotting a stickperson! Impossible to see!"

Lina chuckled. Bold, the stickperson student had declared herself Evil Ruler of all stick people. Since the stick person population was exactly one, no one objected.

Gimli begun stroking her hair slowly, and she drifted off a bit, feeling warm and comfortable.

"Legolas, someone is trying to woo you with Mariah Carey again," Gimli said after a while, and Lina heard a faint 'singing'. She grimaced.

"That's Boromir's room," Legolas replied. "Someone must have tried to bribe a mini-Balrog to get the location of my window again."

"Oh dear," Lina muttered drowsily.

There were some screms, some angry muttering and sounds of heavy objects hitting the ground. A few minutes later Boromir entered, looking ready to torture, maim and then kill.

"Miss Cam, can I have a student assembly now? We can call it a 'sport activity'. Midnight Student Tackle Relay for the mini-Balrogs. They need the training."

"The students did wish for more sport activities," Dwimordene replied, then added in a low voice. "And we could watch through the palantir."

"Why not? We can call it a seminar on why you should not stick author's notes in parentheses throughout a story by littering the course with rocks. It is after all a bit like tripping up the reading flow," Miss Cam replied. "The Headmaster won't object."

"I request Lina to stay here so she can help me with my 'How Fast Does Humans Fall Asleep' study," Gimli said quickly.

"Fine. Morgoth, Sauron, would you like to go wake the students rather than trying to outstare each other?"

The two Dark Lords eyed each other for a few more seconds, but the pull of evilness outweighed the pull of vanity this time.

"I will fish Soupaness and Neko-chan out of the pond the mini-Balrogs threw them in," Thundera Tiger said, getting up. "They should have learned not to try and dress up as Morgoth to pass the Balrogs by now."

"They probably looked more scary," Sauron said smugly as he and Morgoth walked out.

"At least they recognised that the mini-Balrogs have more respect for me than you…"

The hall emptied, leaving only Miss Cam drawing on her mysterious sketch, Elrond flipping through a book and Lina and Gimli by the fireplace. There could be heard some faint cries, but in her drowsy state Lina hardly noticed. She just knew she could stay like that forever and be happy.

"What are you drawing on?" Gimli asked Miss Cam, still stroking Lina's hair. "Another dungeon?"

"No. It is for the next session of General Knowledge, I have decided to tackle the species you will meet in Middle-earth. But since so many live under the impression Middle-earth is littered with fairies, vampires, unicorns, and that half-elves are normal and plentiful, I have decided to do it interactively."

Miss Cam smiled. "Most interesting it should be. Right, Lord Elrond Halfelven?"

"Most certainly."

'Uh-oh,' Lina thought, just as she drifted into sleep. 'Elrond and Miss Cam together on a project. That cannot be good.'

The last thing she heard was Elrond's laughter, echoing in a most uncanny way.


	55. Interactive Learning Week and Why Silence Is a Vritue

Sometimes it seems certain that the fates conspire to get everything just right. Pouring rain when you have to be outside, brilliant sunshine when you must be inside. No stampedes when you are bored and cold use the entertainment, three stampedes at once when you are in a hurry and have to get to class. And of course assembly outside, in the rain, when all you want to do is snuggle up to a dwarf.

"Good morning," Miss Cam said, smiling in that odd, creepy way that usually had mini-Balrogs taking cover. "I hope we woke you all up from pleasant sleep."

"Yes," Kye muttered, looking down at her newly curled feet hair (hobbits took great pride in that). It had been shaped as an F, as Kye was quite the Frodo Fan, but the rain had ruined the hard work.

"Wonderful. Now, Elrond and I had a little talk and realised that all the learning difficulties the students have had have been our fault."

"Really?" Mouse asked hopefully. Lina sighed. Never get your hopes up at OFUM. They were always crushed, as surely as a stampede occurred when Legolas appeared.

"Yes," Elrond replied. "We have been too nice."

"Why do I not like the sound of that?" Dot whispered to Lina.

"Because you have been at this University a long time now and know Elrond."

"Good point."

"Also, we have not given you enough opportunities to participate," Elrond went on. "Thus we declare Interactive Learning Week for opened. There will be no normal classes, but many activities the teachers have agreed upon. I am confident you will find them all most stimulating. A few of you seem to have complained that there is s little sport here at OFUM. So today we thought we'd start off with The Middle-earth Language Orientation Run."

Nen looked annoyed and oozed a bit about having no feet to run with. Lina was not quite sure what exactly Nen was, but she was quite sure she did not want to find out.

"That's right kiddies," Miss Cam kept on smiling. "You will be divided into groups of four. Each group will have a map, written in Westron of course. You will then go to each post marked on your map and pick up the clues, which will be in a variety of different languages. The clues put together will give you the place where Elrond and myself will be waiting. We will then give you a pass to be allowed entry into the University again. If any of you run into trouble, we have a few mini-Balrog rescue groups about. Just holler in anguish when you need help."

"They will delight in saving you," Elrond said, exchanging a glance with Miss Cam. They both smirked.

Lina sighed as she was put into a group with Daydreamer, Marina and Jessica. Although she was fairly lucky. Dot looked slightly desperate at being paired with Cy 'Supah Chaos' who was known for making even the One Ring look sweet and caring once a month. OFUM sure attracted some 'colourful' people. It even attracted people doing field studies in the weirdness, Ally being the latest (she claimed she was studying it for purposes of improving humour writing. Lina suspected she just liked seeing people whimper under the hard stare of Lord Elrond).

"Couldn't we just follow Elrond and Miss Cam and find that spot they'll be waiting at that way?" Julia (the human, they had an elf by that name also) whispered to nearby students.

"I wouldn't recommend it," the rock by her feet said as it morphed into Shadow. "But by all means, do try."

"Come on, Julia," Moriagen said. "Maybe Glorfindel or Legolas is out wandering and we can rescue them."

Lina saw Miss Cam narrow her eyes, having heard the rescue remark. Uh oh. That was sure to mean trouble later on for sure.

The groups spread about, some trying to figure out the map, others just wandering on random, obviously hoping to trip over the posts by chance. Lina and Marina (who claimed to be Valar, which could be handy) quickly deducted that the first post was at the garrison in Minas Tirith and the group trotted off. It had finally stopped raining, the sun coming out to watch the show.

It was wet and miserable and quite muddy as they wandered, quite often hearing another annoyed yell of "I broke my nail/high-heeled shoe/glittering 'I love Legolas' banner". Two students could be heard arguing over how far it was to Rivendell where they thought the clue was ('Two days!" "Two weeks!"), neither being near the correct answer of course.

Barlog the Balrog acted a rescue central, being tall and able to see far. Sadly, whenever someone actually was in trouble the mini-Balrogs would have to wait for him to finish laughing before he could point them in the right direction. Wilderness wandering was not the easiest of things to do and plenty needed rescuing, which did indeed delight the mini-Balrogs.

"It seems so easy in the film and the book," Daydreamer muttered.

"That's because you're watching other people do it," nearby Ne-chan replied, smacking another insect buzzing near her face. "What is this, an insect convention?" (Actually, it was. The Annual Meeting of Insect Recognition was gathered to demand the attention they deserved. No true wandering in the wild was complete without them there to annoy, after all. Yet so often fanfic authors forgot them.)

"Hey, I have an idea. I am the Lady of the Dragons, I'll just summon Smaug," Marina said after a while. "We can ride on him!"

"No, don't…" Jessica began, but too late.

"SMAUG!"

There was a rumble.

There was a loud, sorting sound.

There was a strong gush of wind as strong claws gripped her and the rest of the group.

And then suddenly the ground looked very small and almost lego-like from above.

Smaug snorted.

"He says 'Smaug happy to fly you around and if you would support S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M he'd be delighted'," Harle the mini-Sky-Dragon translated, buzzing about near.

"Loooo-ovely. Ow," Lina whimpered, looking down. They were really soaring high. "Could he not hold me so haa-aard? Ow."

Immediately the grip loosened – a bit too much.

'Note to self: Shut up. Speaking means pain. Silence is a virtue,' Lina thought grimly and whimpered as she fell. Hey, she could see Morgoth and Sauron from here; it looked like they were practising… Walking on a catwalk? What the…?

Here came the ground.


	56. The Many Variations of Ow

Ow. Ow. Ow-ow. Ooooooow.

There really were a lot of variations of 'ow', Lina thought dimly and whimpered. She felt a hand on her face, someone lifting her up and somewhere far off, Gimli's voice.

"You will be fine. I love you."

She smiled – ow-ow-ow. Smiling not good. She had been – flying, had she not? Flying like a bird… Except for the plunging to the ground part. Ow.

Awareness came and went. She thought she heard the mini-Balrogs chase someone off as well, judging by the screams and protests and cries of 'Legolaaaaaaaaas!' She also thought she heard Smaug offering to fly her to the University and Gimli refusing, muttering about 'enough damage done'.

Ow.

Time must have passed, for the next thing she was aware of was soft linen, then the smell of pipe weed. Her back hurt, her feet hurt, her head hurt – and whaddaya know, her hands hurt too.

"Ow," she said and opened her eyes. Gimli's face came into view, looking like he was having sympathy pains.

"Did I ask a dragon to hold me more loosely and thus fell?"

"Yes."

"Thought so, but then I thought 'No, I can't have done something that stupid.' Ow."

Gimli tried to contain a smile.

"You were lucky. Some Dwarven girl or another broke your fall. Mîm… Snowfall? Snowbearer? Snowholder, I think." Gimli snorted. "Where do they come up with these names?"

"I didn't know we had any Dwarven girls on campus. Ow, did she wear a helmet with horns or something?"

"No. She was carrying it. Odd girl. She has been sending me very odd looks. Perhaps she has indigestion."

Lina smirked, then whimpered quietly.

"Miss Cam decided you had learned through pain never to ask a dragon to hold you more loosely ever again, so you have the day off."

"How very nice of her," Lina muttered, and filed away Mîm Snowholder to check up on later. Not that she doubted Gimli's feelings, but perhaps she could finally find someone for Gimly if the girl really was seizing up Gimli.

"Elrond says you should rest and you will be fine," Gimli went on. "This sparked Cenire to try and get off the rest of the week with a sick-note signed by the Headmaster."

"But the Headmaster…" Lina began, moving her head. "Ow."

"Yes. There was only one little flaw in her plan – the Headmaster does not sign notes. That would give away who he is."

Lina took the offered icepack, putting it on her head with a sigh. She really had a talent for ending up in these kinds of situations.

"How did the rest of the students fare?"

"They're still wandering about, while Elrond and Miss Cam are having a picnic by the Eldest Tree sapling. They could be out there a long while, but Miss Cam said something about a 'rescue lesson' she and Elrond were planning for tomorrow."

Lina chuckled softly. "I don't doubt the other students will wander about and get lost. I think I saw Emma trying to head for Mirkwood, track down Thranduil and get him to arrange a marriage with Legolas. Then she'd pretend she didn't want it and let Legolas win her over. Serenity Lunar was following her, but I have no idea why. She likes Aragorn."

"Aragorn is in Mirkwood gathering spiders for Miss Cam's… Umm... Class activity later in the week," Gimli replied.

"That explains it, then," Lina said and groaned. "I don't want to know about the spiders, right?"

"Nay, my dear, you do not."

"Right." Lina closed her eyes and tried to locate the elephants jumping on her brain and chase them out. But though it was all quite painful, Gimli's hand resting on her arm and the fact that everyone else was outside and probably in more pain, made it not too bad.

If she as right, and one of the posts really had been Minas Morgul, ow-ow-ow. The Nazgûls had probably planned a welcome wagon.

"Why were Morgoth and Sauron practising walking on a catwalk?" she suddenly asked, remembering the brief sighting before the ground has rushed to meet her.

"Oh, that. We are all supposed to model typical Middle-earth clothes, giving the students a better idea of dress code. It is for later in the week. Naturally, Morgoth and Sauron both claim superiority on Evil Dress Code and thus… You know those two."

"Did they blow up anything?"

"No. The fireball only burned off the hair of a few students."

"How swell."

"Ragna offered to grow the students new hair, but they did not seem too thrilled. That reminds me, Smaug apologies for dropping you. If you ever need anything, he said to come to him. Then he and father walked off to decide who likes gold the most."

Lina smiled, suddenly noticing BreadLegs and RollFeet were asleep at her feet. Come to think of it, she was rather… Tired. And the bed was very soft, Gimli must have put in… Extra… Blankets…

She wasn't sure how long she slept, but when she awoke it was dark and laughter came from the hall.

A single candle burned in the room and there was no sign of Gimli. Feeling more sore than in actual pain, Lina managed to get up and wandered out of the room. She nearly tripped over Brie, the cheese-loving mini-Balrog, sitting outside the door.

Of course, Brie was a most French mini-Balrog, to the point of considering himself a artist. Fangirls he caught; he painted. His 'Fangirl Screams While Hanging Upside-Down' was pure genius. How could anyone confuse the city of Bree with a cheese anyway?

Trotting down the stairs, Lina saw Elrond and Miss Cam talking to Lúthien, while Faramir and Éowyn were cuddling in an armchair. Boromir for once seemed oblivious, he was sharpening his sword and smiling for seemingly no particular reason.

"Hello Lina," Miss Cam said. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore," Lina muttered, sinking down on the couch next to Gimli. He kissed her gently on the forehead.

"Ah. Do not worry. Tomorrow, so will all the other students. Now that Aragorn is back, it will be a most excellent lesson."

"Will it be painful?" Lina asked, leaning against Gimli's shoulder.

"That is what interactive learning week is all about. Learning through pain," Boromir said, holding up his sharp sword. "Sometimes I think I should pity the students. Then I remember I am the person with most mini-Balrog spawned."

"Now, now. Isildur is gaining on you," Miss Cam replied. "That reminds me, I better find out how the mud-pit is coming."

Mud-pit. Spiders. Boromir sharpening his sword. Miss Cam smiling. All this lead to one conclusion. Ow.

Lina sighed. "Will you have Dwarven Soup ready for me tomorrow night? I think I will need it."

"Of course," Gimli said softly.

Yup, it would be most painful. In a very educational way, of course.


	57. The Road to Species Enlightenment Is Paved With Fangirls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lúthien used the form of Thuringwethil to sneak into Angband.  
> I owe thanks to X-Piig, who inspired the neon sign, Dwimordene who gave me the vampire and the rescue rangers idea, and finally Bold Font for title assistance.

It took twice the normal time for Lina to get out of bed that morning. Partly because her whole body felt sore, partly because Gimli was warm and nice to be next to and it was hard to tear herself away.

But of course, there was no escaping it.

Today was Miss Cam's Interactive Learning Seminar on species of Middle-earth. What worried Lina though, was that Aragorn, Boromir and Elrond were helping out. That probably meant there was more to the seminar than just looking at pictures and determining if vampires were Middle-earth creatures.

"No Elrond, you may not put up a large neon sign saying 'Naturally Nine' in Lothlórien," Galadriel was saying as Lina finally trotted down the stairs in the staff section. Elrond and Galadriel seemed to be in the middle of a discussion, while Meir Brin was trying to hold up a giant flashing neon sign (despite not being hooked up to any power outlet. Ah, magic) and looking rather desperate.

"It will serve as a permanent reminder to any who comes to Middle-earth that nine is the number of the Fellowship," Elrond argued. "Aragorn agreed to put one up in Minas Tirith."

"Aragorn married your daughter. Of course he would agree."

"Lady Galadriel…"

Lina left the two arguing there, giving poor Meir Brin a sympathetic look as the neon sign began tilting more and more to the right.

It was a warm and sunny day, surprisingly, no ominous dark clouds or thunder about. Actually, that in itself was rather worrisome, that meant the Dark Lords were engaged in something other than upstaging each other.

Lina tried not to dwell on that as she grabbed a quick breakfast, a quicker change of clothes and tried not to slip in the pools of drool in the halls (SNAOL – the Sisterhood of Not-As-Obvious-Lusters had had their first meeting and successfully managed not to stampede Legolas. Unfortunately, while they did not stampede, they still drooled).

The crowd was beginning to gather outside, where overnight a giant mud-pit had been dug.

"I have a very, very bad feeling about this," Leonora muttered to her twin sister.

"Oh, mud will do wonder for your skin complexion," her evil twin sister Silaera replied, scanning the crowd for Morgoth.

"Gather around, students," Miss Cam said loudly. "Not that close, Jason."

Jason, Miss Cam's luster, reluctantly edged away, nearly stepping on Dragyn the Half-Dragon's tail. As everyone knows, stepping on a dragon's tail is an insult akin to 'your mother could not even light a campfire' in the dragon community.

Smaug gave a snarl, curling his own tail protectively. It was rather worrisome that Smaug, Barlog and Shelob were all there, actually.

"Mind the mud-pit now. You're not supposed to fall in that – yet," Miss Cam said cheerfully. "Today we are learning about the species that are in Middle-earth and those who certainly aren't."

She took a dramatic pause for effect.

"To do this we will play a little game we call 'If it isn't in Middle-earth, it will kill you'. Now, all of you will have to walk through the Garden of Species Enlightenment, and along that route you will meet several different species. If it is a creature of Middle-earth, you need only pat it and move on. If it is a creature not of Middle-earth, and you do pat it, it will charge you. Also, if you fail to pat a Middle-earth creature, it will also charge you. Fortunately for you, the mud-pit will be safe, so you can just jump into it. To complete the exercise, you must have successfully patted all Middle-earth creatures."

"That doesn't sound too bad," She Elf said brightly.

"However," Miss Cam went on. "Due to certain concerns of the staff, we have included another exercise as well. Just a little something we call 'Rescue Rangers – Why A Ranger Rescues You, And Not You A Ranger'. I'm sure you'll all enjoy it."

"Very much," Boromir added.

"Very, very much," Aragorn smirked.

"Hoo boy," Lina muttered, as students in pairs slowly began making their way to the Garden of Species Enlightenment. Dot was nowhere in sight, so Lina teamed up with Dain Shadow.

It didn't take long before there was screaming, and Alison and Loreena came running past, charged by an unicorn.

"But I patted it because it was cuuuuuuute!" Alison protested as she ran past. The unicorn paid no heed.

"Not a Middle-earth creature, I take it," Dain said as they watched the two students take a dive into the mud-pit.

"Nope."

They trotted on, first meeting a horse, which they patted. Next up was a Pegasus, which they didn't pat, but quite a few seemed to have, for it had mud spurted on it.

"I think the cuteness factor might be the bane of many here," Lina remarked as they came to the pink fairy. "You want to pat the cute, non-Middle-earth creatures. You don't want to pat the spiders and the wargs and the orcs."

"You think they planned it that way?" Dain asked, carefully walking by the fairy without patting.

"This is Miss Cam and Elrond we are talking about. What do you think?"

"They planned it this way."

"Yup."

Smaug was next, where the pair of Morgan and Dragyn had halted. Morgan looked annoyed; Dragyn was patting Smaug again and again, and the old dragon looked most pleased.

Barlog the Balrog was next to be patted, getting a few extra from Lina as he looked rather miserable at having scared one student by just yawning (the student must have thought it was a prelude to being eaten, however Barlog had sworn off fangirls after suffering indigestion time and time again).

The Garden of Species Enlightenment led to the edge of the forest, where a few of the students were gathering, most trying to get off the mud on them. Elrond and Legolas were taking tally, but most of the lusters had too much mud in their eyes to notice.

"Mmmm, blood," came a large hiss and large evil vampire Thuringwethil came walking out, edging towards Legolas.

"Legolas!" Moroko exclaimed. "Evil vampire! Watch out!"

"I will save you!" a girl exclaimed (Lina had no idea who it was, covered in mud and all), charging the vampire. Everyone looked up, and there was a sudden screaming and scrambling towards the mud-pit. The girl charging the vampire finally got a good look at what she was attacking, and screaming loudly she tried to turn around. That did not go well when there was mud everywhere. Chaos erupted. Lina nearly got crushed by Emma, and soon found herself covered in mud.

Elrond and Legolas watched the panic with barely contained amusement, as Thuringwethil laughed hysterically and morphed back into Lúthien. Beren came out of the bushes, laughing hysterically as well.

"No one patted me," Lúthien said between laughs.

"Then I can fail them all," Elrond said happily, searching for his red pen (he had used so many he kept Deborah the red pen saleswoman in business by himself).

"I think Miss Cam said the point was to teach them, not to flunk them," Legolas said, a hint of sadness in his voice. "We better gather the students for part two of this seminar. 'Rescue Rangers – Why A Ranger Rescues You, And Not You A Ranger' – are we sure no one will stampede me?"

"Worry not, Legolas," Lúthien said and morphed back into Thuringwethil. "They will be too busy running for their lives."


	58. Rescue Me, Take Me In Your Claws

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continued thanks to Dwimordene for help with the rescue idea and Jay for the lyrics to 'Rescue Me', which I mangled. Oh, yes, and Khazha-dûm is the mini abyss. Couldn't very well drag the students off to Moria.

So it came to be that Legolas for the first time stood among many of his lusters, and yet there was no stampede. A miracle, some hailed it as, but the cause was something much more mundane.

Exhaustion.

Even Michelle the Dwarf was flat out, nearly having fallen asleep on her axe. A few human girls were whimpering quietly.

"I think I am dead," Stella muttered.

"I wish," Nodalec replied. "What was that screeching creature that zoomed past me?"

"That was Tessa chased by a Barrow-wight," Magen replied.

"She tried to save Frodo from it…" Lina said weakly, staring up at the sky. Being chased by wargs, Nazgûls, orcs, Uruk-hais (naked! Thank the Valar she was too exhausted to remember the mental image), dragons and Sackville-Bagginses was quite tiresome.

Boromir and Aragorn put away their swords as they glanced over the exhausted crowd.

"What is the rescue tally, Legolas?" Boromir asked, smiling so broadly you'd think it was his birthday. Or that he at least had received a gift.

"Middle-earth beings rescuing students: 601 times. Students rescuing Middle-earth beings: Half a time."

"Half a time?"

"Yes, I counted when that one student tried to push you out of the way of the Nazgûl, miscalculated and crashed head-on with it instead. She did help you…"

"Fine," Boromir grumbled. "Half a time. That makes it 601 – a half. And what lesson do we take from this, students?"

"Wargs bite," Fallathiel replied, "and never charge a dragon when he is looking for a toothpick."

Aragorn smirked, patting his Polaroid camera. It was a gift from Miss Cam so that 'they could enjoy the moments again and again'. After Aragorn had figured out to point it in the right direction, of course. There were a few of the ground and Aragorn's chest (which Lotus had immediately stolen), but also some good ones of students trying to tackle Barlog in a recreation of the fight at the bridge of Khazha-dûm.

Of course, you can't tackle a Balrog. You are more likely to discover gravity and that no matter how hard you flap your arms, you will not fly. Barlog the Balrog was very fond of tossing students as basketball practice.

"Close," Boromir said, exchanging a smirk with Aragorn. "We are warriors. We will rescue each other if need be, as was the case when Legolas was nearly stampeded earlier today."

"I owe you a beer," Legolas replied. "What Boromir is so wisely saying is that we look after each other. We know the signs of danger. We will not be caught unaware by a spider or a warg. We will not need to be rescued by a total stranger who just appeared. If a stranger suddenly appeared, we would most likely reach for our weapons and point them at the stranger."

"And no one would blame Gimli or Boromir for being distrustful on such an occurrence," Aragorn injected. "Beauty will not convince us the stranger means no harm, either."

"Nor will the most beautiful creature always save the day," Legolas went on, to a few mutters of 'Why not?'. "It was Gollum who saved the Quest in the end."

"No one loves us, my precioussss," Gollum said sadly, crawling up from a ditch. "Nasssty rocksss trip us and we fall. Gollum rescue everyone. No one want to hugsss Gollum. Gollum wants hugsss. He promise not to claw."

"We all love you for falling, Gollum. Just from a distance," Frodo said, standing next to the other hobbits. They'd had a picnic while waiting for the attempted rescue from the Barrow-wights, which had taken some time given that the students had to try and rescue Bilbo from Smaug first.

"Now that everyone has completed our rescue marathon and failed," Elrond said brightly, "you are excused."

No one moved for quite a while. Finally, Lina managed to crawl to a tree, and pulled herself up.

'Note to self: Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, attempt to tackle a dragon from behind,' she thought and grimaced. A dragon tail could make quite an impact, that was for sure. Even when the dragon was Smaug, and the wagging of the tail was really a sign of affection. Smaug had been nice enough to rescue her out of the tree, although nearly crushing her in his claws.

She began to limp towards the University; the other students begun to follow slowly. Few students gave their lust-object a lustful glance, but no one had the strength to even attempt a tackle. Besides, the word of SNAOL was spreading.

Suddenly the earth shook. Dark clouds appeared out of nowhere, thunder rolled and lightning flashed.

"Do they always have to be this dramatic?" Dot complained, limping up next to Lina.

"You know evil. Entrance is everything."

Morgoth and Sauron were standing in front of the University, eyeing each other as well as the approaching crowd.

"What now?" Ryven asked.

"Hold, mortals!" Morgoth boomed, while Sauron held up bunny ears behind him. A few students giggled; most were too exhausted. "We have been given the task of teaching you why we will have no off-springs that will attempt to take over the world in our name."

"Especially no one named after us," Sauron injected.

"Shut up. We agreed I got the first lines."

"Hah! Evil makes no promise to keep it! That is why you are a lesser evil…"

The crowd stood patiently and waited while the Dark Lords shouted insults at each other. You really got used to that when dealing with the pair; many were hoping those two would oversee the final exam, as that would making it very easy to cheat while the two were distracted.

"I am a Maia," Sauron finally said after a long staring contest. "We do not take Elven maids to have children with. The idea is preposterous."

"I am of the Valar; I would take one of them as a mate," Morgoth replied. A few of his lusters sighed mournfully.

"No one wanted you," Sauron smirked.

"Shut up."

"You are too ugly."

"I have yet to see you be run down with eligible Maias," Morgoth shot back. "I am Evil Sexy Bachelor of the decade."

"Only because you bribed the Mouth of Sauron to mix up the dates and I did not get there until a year after the contest was done!"

"If you fell for that you are not worthy to be evil!"

The rumble grew in strength; and suddenly the students found that the earth was beginning to swallow them. Flames rose into the air.

"Hey!" Gandalf called. "Evil fighting must be done in the dungeons. We have set up a Risk board for Middle-earth, fight over world domination there."

"I will be purple," Morgoth said sourly as the two Dark Lords begun walking inside.

"You're always purple. *I* should be purple; purple makes your armor shine and show how fat you are."

"You little…"

"That's 602 – a half," Boromir said and smirked.


	59. Black Leather and Things That Go Plonk in the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains references to a PPC chapter set at OFUM.

Lina was not sure why she awoke at first. It was dark, she was warm and comfortable (albeit still sore), Gimli had an arm around her and the whole University seemed dead quiet. Seemed quiet…

There was a weak plonk-sound in the distance. That must have been what woke her. It was a strange plonk sound; for a while she merely pondered what it was. But like all things you have no idea what is but want to know, it slowly grew into an annoyance.

What the heck was it?

Finally, she could take it no longer and got up, cracking the door open to glance out.

There were some lights lit in the great hall near Long Table Elrond. The plonk sound seemed to come from there.

"Did you know the palantîr bounces?" Pippin called.

"Pippin! You will wake everyone," Merry replied from somewhere in the shadows.

"They are too exhausted from laughing and saving the students," Pippin replied, dropping the palantîr on Long Table Elrond again. It went 'plonk' and bounced.

"Come on Pippin, I want to see Sauron's expression when he realises he bathed in our special smell-experiment."

"Are you sure that dung excites spiders?"

"Yes. Come on!"

The two hobbits slipped away into the darkness. Lina smiled and was about to close the door when she noticed a large shape moving across the hall. Eight legs, huge belly… It had to be Shelob.

The large spider made her way over to Sauron's room, flinging the door open. She could not fit into it, but she reached four of her legs in and moments later she held Sauron in a secure grip. The Dark Lord was sleeping.

Slowly, the large spider vanished out into the staff garden. This ought to be good… Slipping out of the room, Lina wandered quietly down the stairs. She was nearly by the end when she heard a door open.

Soft footsteps alerted her that someone was walking in her direction. She glanced through the darkness; two shapes were entering the great hall.

"Oh, stop wriggling," Miss Cam said, sounding annoyed. As the two came closer, Lina saw that it was indeed Miss Cam – and Elrond. Both, for some mysterious reason, were dressed in black leather. Elrond looked torn between outrage and delight and that black leather really looked good on… Oy. Lina had to stop herself from drooling. Elrond in black leather. Hoo boy.

"I wonder how long it is physically possible to scream in terror," he mused, yanking the chain of the sack he and Miss Cam were dragging after them. "Remind me to tell Jay and Acacia of my findings."

"I'm sure Jay will be most happy to listen," Miss Cam replied, and grinned. "Stop wriggling back there. We already had to gag you and put you in a sack when you insisted on screaming the whole way over."

"Miss Cam, I meant to ask you… The black leather…Why?"

"Appearances, Lord Elrond. We must look inconspicuous, but still somewhat scary. You wanted to be a part of the crackdown on non-licensed fanfiction. Consider this your warm up."

"Elves in black," Elrond said, sounding like he was considering something. "It does have a ring to it."

The two reached the door to the dungeons without noticing Lina, and disappeared into the darkness.

Lina debated whether she really wanted to know or not, and decided on not. Elrond was an Elf you did not annoy, no matter what. It was one of the many things OFUM had taught her.

It had also taught her never to try to sneak into the staff section. But not all had learned that lesson it would seem, as the door to the hall creaked open again .

"That was brilliant," Isabelle whispered, tip-toing in along with what looked like Rhiya. "You distracted the mini-Balrogs by having them chase Deadpoet and Rhiannon, and we're in!"

"Security must be relaxing near the end of the semester," Rhiya replied.

"Actually, it is not," Glorfindel said, stepping out from behind a pillar. "Miss Dwimordene and Miss Thundera Tiger asked me to find two student volunteers. They are teaching Borrimor and Celebrimdor the art of drop-kicking. Rhiannon and Deadpoet were lucky. You two are my volunteers."

The two students sighed.

"I have always wondered if when two students's heads are slammed together, they will go plonk…" Glorfindel said as he escorted the two out towards the garden. "I was promised the chance to find out…"

There was a loud shriek as the two students spotted Shelob patting Sauron – which woke the Dark Lord at last.

"LET GO OF ME!" Sauron bellowed. "I AM NOT A CHEW-TOY!"

Moments later he came stalking in, bits of spider-web clinging to him.

"Morgoth has gone too far this time. I shall make him go bald for the fashion show!" he hissed, not even noticing Lina. "I shall ruin his sharp, pointy nails. I shall paint his armor urple. This means WAR!"

'And what were they doing before? Mild skirmishes?' Lina thought, somewhat worried. Getting struck by lightning once was quite enough, really. And now that the exams were approaching, she could not really afford to be distracted. She wanted to do well.

The things love can make you do. She sighed and got up (noticing that Shelob was being comforted by Barlog the Balrog in the corner of her eye), just as Elrond came sweeping out and they nearly collided.

"Miss Lina… You did not see me," Elrond said after a moment's hesitation. "Neither did I ask you where the Balrog-whip is."

"Look under Long Table Elrond."

"Oh yes, here it is."

"What were you and Miss Cam doing?" Lina asked, momentarily forgetting she really did not want to know. Damn that curiosity! Got her every time.

"Would you believe some believe Elves rape and write about it?" Elrond spat, looking grim. "We do not. But we do have a wonderful sense of poetic justice. Good night, Lina."

She stared puzzled after him, noticing just how nice his backend looked in black leather.

"Lord Elrond?" she asked, and he turned. "Celebrían will love that outfit."

The Elflord sent her a wide smile and she wondered if Miss Cam had any more black leather around. Gimli would look smashing…


	60. Of Evil Plots and Evil Neighbours

There was an air of busy preparations and hard studying settling over OFUM as exams and graduation drew near. The staff was overworked, the students trying to cram a semester worth of reading into one week and the mini-Balrogs were in… Well, 'heat' was probably as good a word as any. Lina had never seen evil courting before on such a scale, it was very… Enlightening.

Elrond was scarcely seen, busy as he was with his own projects. Meir Brin could often be seen carrying odd purchases from Minas Tirith, and sometimes Sorne and Rose would be seen catching frogs, of all things. What the Lord of Rivendell could possibly want with that, Lina was unsure. But she had caught him trying to convince Legolas and Galadriel black leather was their thing.

As for Gimli, they spoke little about the future but a lot about silly things that were not in any way emotional. Sooner or later her imminent graduation would have to be discussed, but a small part of her brain always whispered 'not today.'

But what really concerned Lina when she really should be reading about why 'thy hair is most amazing, like wow' would never be uttered in Middle-earth was the state of Miss Cam.

Miss Cam seemed… Less, these days. She looked like death at the breakfast table (and not in the normal 'death is what you'll wish for after I'm done with you' way either), barely eating. She had caught Belphegor spray-painting 'Books are better' in the toilets and hadn't even given any punishment.

Miss Cam *never* missed a chance to be evil. Nevertheless, she had let Danly off for stealing Glorfindel's hairbrush and Spoogle for attempting to hobbit-nab Pippin and mushroom-nab his mushrooms. It was almost as if she'd turned nice.

And if that was not a sign that something was very amiss, nothing was. So this morning, as Lina was making her way to the library, she wasn't that surprised when she was stopped by Jason and Al's Waiter (mostly called AW or 'Eh? A blue elf? Did an elf and a smurf mate or something and made you?'). Both guys had a thing for the course co-ordinator – perhaps evilness was a turn-on. It would explain all of Morgoth's lusters, in any case (he still had more than Sauron).

"Ah, Lina," AW said, smiling. "We were looking for you. We have… A proposal."

"We're worried about Miss Cam," Jason continued. "We have heard certain students mention a cunning plan. A plan to weaken Miss Cam so that they can easily kidnap their lust objects. As the end of their stay here draws near, they have come to employ… Drastic methods."

"Apparently Ardaiel and Sierra have a contact. On the inside. We thought you could find out who," AW said quickly, before Lina could interrupt. "Seeing Miss Cam like this is… It's *wrong*. So, if you help us, we have something you'll want."

"What?"

Jason coughed discreetly, then leaned in and whispered in Lina's ear.

"Oh," was all she said. She thought for a moment, and then finally gave them a small nod. The two guys scuttled off and she entered the library. It was mostly empty, except for Celandine and Raven Wings doing a tug of war over the last Westron dictionary and a small group huddled in a corner – not reading.

Oh sure, they had books about, but their eyes were too glazed over to be reading. They were ogling pictures of their lust objects, Lina was sure. Some had smuggled them in and Wormtongue had started a very profitable business.

The group in the corner numbered Ardaiel and Sierra, as well as Nicole, Aniron, Lucy and Autumn. Lina narrowed her eyes as she passed, thinking. Scheming students was not anything new, but to target Miss Cam they had to be desperate. The black lash would be *terrible*.

It was hard to read with this newest mystery on her mind, harder yet when Danielle and Silya began discussing the possible identities of 'Figwit' and the Legolas Lusters began to loudly exclaim the hotness of Legolas. Normally, Miss Cam would be there in minutes and giving Death Stares. But nothing happened.

With Miss Thundera Tiger and Miss Dwimordene both wrapped up in preparation for the graduation ceremonies and the related celebrations (including the fashion show), the University really was teetering on the brink of chaos. This was not good. Poor Legolas could be swamped and the staff loved to death.

Determined, Lina made her way back to the staff section. It was quiet, most of the staff up and about, only Faramir and Éowyn were playing hide and seek. If caught, the penalty was a kiss and of course they both wanted to be caught… Lina sniggered as she passed.

Miss Cam was in her room. Lina knocked carefully on the steel surface (fireproof, mostly, as Miss Cam's room was opposite Sauron's). There was no reply, and very hesitantly Lina opened the door. She had never been inside, and felt somewhat like she was stumbling into the dragon's lair. Except dragons tended to kill quickly.

The room was dark. There were no windows and the fire burning in the fireplace was barely still alive. Lina wasn't sure quite what she had expected, but it was actually a pleasant room. Tall bookcases, a writing desk, a wardrobe (the creaked door revealing black leather and strangely an Ewok costume. Weird) and of course the hammock. Miss Cam loved hammocks and she was sleeping in one now.

She really did not look well.

"Miss Cam?" Lina asked tentatively.

Miss Cam bolted up, looking haggard and breathless. "Lord Elrond? Is it midnight already and time for the teaching?"

Her gaze fell on Lina. "Oh. You."

"Emh… I... Umm... Are you all right?"

"I'm tired." Miss Cam closed her eyes. "The blasted evil neighbour of mine keeps doing early work and pounding on his walls and at night time I'm in the dungeons and at lunch it's the Headmaster briefing and mini-Balrog reports and dinner and then Aragorn has some staff matter or another and some student tries to sneak in and then it's exam planning and Naturally Nine council and…"

She traced off, blinking. "I just want to sleep and that blasted evil neighbour and I can't remember where the floor plan is and who lives there. I'm so tired. So, so tired."

And with that she leaned back and was soon fast asleep. Lina tiptoed out, closing the door softly behind her. So. Evil neighbour was it?

Was it Gollum's room? No, Gollum was too busy having a hissing contest with Lurbl (a student of Gollum-ness. She, but her roommate Tamsin complained it was impossible to sleep when Lurbl argued with herself if sleeping on the side or the back was best).

The door to 'evil neighbour' was locked and soundly so. But it was a stone door, and Lina knew stones. It was hard to be Gimli's girlfriend and not know. She still had her special chisel from their cave expedition, and had soon chipped a hole near the lock. A little reaching in, and voila, the door creaked open.

And the person she saw there, she certainly didn't expect. Evil neighbour was… Lotho?


	61. Of Ferry God Mother and Very Evil Plots

Lotho blinked at the sudden onslaught of light, taking in Lina's still form.

"You saved me!" he exclaimed. "I've been pounding on the walls forever!"

"You?" Lina asked, feeling completely confused. She thought for sure it had been Sauron or Morgoth or at least an Uruk-hai. Someone evil.

"Have no one noticed me missing?"

"Eh… No," Lina replied. "You don't really have any lusters who would miss you."

The hobbit looked down-cast for a moment, then brightened. "You know, I think I'm glad for that."

Lina shared his smile, then looked around. "Someone locked you in here to drive Miss Cam mad?"

"Cruelly so, too. The monster left food, but no pipe weed or mushrooms!"

"A vile crime. Do you happen to know who locked you in here?"

Lotho shook his head, walking out and sniffing the air. "Do you happen to know if there is anything left from second breakfast?"

"They took everything to the ferry picnic, I think," Lina replied absentmindedly, then froze. The staff exertion! That was today! Of course! A perfect time to strike, all the staff gathered and with Miss Cam not there to keep the mini-Balrogs in line and the minis themselves more into chasing each other these days…

"Gimli!" Lina exclaimed. He'd be crushed in the stampede trying to protect Legolas! She had to warn them!

She turned and ran, noticing that Faramir and Éowyn had left. They had probably headed for the lake, where the newest 'addition' to OFUM was being christened.

Ferry God Mother was the new lake ferry, brought on by the unfortunate confusion of 'fairy' and 'ferry' and a stark reminder to mind your homonyms. It was the perfect way for the staff to get away some and worry less about stampedes.

Lina ran like the wind, but as she leapt out into the brilliant sunlight, she saw that a group of fangirls was already heading for the lake. She recognised some from the library earlier that morning.

Where were the minis, blasted fiery demons? Sure, you tripped over them every morning, but where were they when they were needed?

"They're really unprotected," Lina heard Danielle exclaim, "and with our man steering the boat… At last! LEGOLAS!"

Crap, crap, crap… Lina could see the boat beginning to steer against the gathered group of students, it looked like Wormtongue was the captain. Of course. That no-gooder would accept bribes from anyone. He locked in Lotho, which caused Miss Cam to get no sleep, which caused security to lax and with the other security measures busy elsewhere…. Not a bad plan, Lina had to admit.

Ferry God Mother was by the shore now and the students were ready to jump on board.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" the icy voice of Miss Cam boomed. Lina turned to see the course co-ordinator come stalking up, looking tired *and* mad.

A few students halted, but some had already jumped on board – and screamed.

"SPIDERS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! The ferry's full of spiders!"

There was some snickering and to her surprise Lina noted it came from the roof. She looked up to see the whole staff camped up there, looking like they were having a very nice picnic.

"They never, ever learn," Miss Cam said, rolling her eyes.

"But… You… They…" Lina muttered, trying to piece it together.

"They tried to distract me by this 'evil neighbour', yes," Miss Cam replied. "It might have worked, except tired only makes me more testy. And they tried to bribe evil. The thing about bribing evil is – it has no loyalty. Evil always sells you out. Honestly, haven't Sauron and Morgoth taught you anything?"

"But why this charade then?"

"To catch all of the culprits, of course. And I really am bloody tired. The best deceptions are rooted in the truth" She lifted her voice. "DETENTION! All of you over there! You're all on grooming duty for Ungoliant and Shelob! Then you have washing duties for the Uruk-hai and their underwear better be so clean it shines through their clothes! Then you are all to pet Gollum and give him a pedicure individually! And then you will ALL have lust object pictures burned and replaced with PlayEnt of the Millenium and EvilBacheor of the Decade, as well as HidiousMinion of Today. And students? You will hang them on your walls where they can be seen every day."

The student gathering whimpered slightly.

"And then Miss Dwimordene takes over your detention duties. Now, I am going to sleep. And unless I get my sleep, you will *really* regret it."

Miss Cam began stalking back and Lina ran after, quickly scouting the roof for Gimli. He was there all right, helping Aragorn to take polaroids.

"Why didn't you let Lotho out then?" she asked, out of breath.

"A little mushroom-absence won't hurt him. Besides, if you bought it, we knew the student conspiracy group would. Now excuse me, I plan to sleep. If anyone wakes me, expect pain."

Miss Cam slammed the door to her room, leaving Lina to shake her head in the hall. She almost pitied the conspiring students. Almost.

She smiled. At least she could track down AW and Jason and demand the 'Dwarves: Tickle Their Beard, Tickle Their Fancy' book from them now. She had done her part, even if it had been unnecessary. And afterwards, perhaps she'd get up on the roof and have that talk with Gimli. It wouldn't go away by ignoring it.

"Where is Miss Cam?" Rabagast demanded, coming sweeping in. "That idiot brother of mine told me to be on Ferry God Mother and forgot to tell me the real meeting place was the roof. Do you know how clingy spiders are? I think I have been molested! I wish to complain!"

"She's in her room, but I wouldn't…" Lina began, but Rabagast paid her no heed and slammed the door to Miss Cam's room open.

There was a brief snarl, a flash of light and then smoke.

"Go in there," Lina finished lamely, regarding the pile of white dust in the doorway.

And thus ended Rabagast, the evil twin of Radagast.

Everyone of course said he would be deeply missed. It wasn't really a lie. The spiders erected a statue in his memory, but like all cobwebs, it was eventually swept away.

All things end. And the end of this class of OFUM students was swiftly drawing near.


	62. One Last Pat on the Bum

The stars shone ever so clearly, brighter than any star in her own world. Everything was brighter – and darker – in Middle-earth. Life was more dangerous and yet very, very precious.

Sitting on the roof, Lina looked down over the OFUM grounds, noting the great craters and brightly burning mini-Balrogs shining like torches down below. It looked like they had caught a few students outside, trying to dig a trench to catch something (probably lust objects in). Lina could spot Alasse, Dar-Dar, Kereen, Maylin, Pherwing, July and Shari at least, as they ran about in random patterns with minis on their tales. Was rather like watching an Olympic opening ceremony, actually.

"Gimli said you were up here," Miss Cam commented, sitting down a few feet away. Lina hadn't even heard her approach. "Shouldn't you be doing some last minute studying or visiting your Dwarven friend? He is waiting for you, you know."

"I know. I just… Everything has changed and I don't want to go back. I really don't."

Miss Cam smiled softly, which startled Lina as much as seeing Sauron hug a bunny (other than his stuffed one) would.

"There's always the possibility of getting a job. A few of the students have applied. Jean is looking for a slave to boss about in the library, Shadow wants a slave to do something I'd rather not know about and I need a slave for all my paperwork. There are openings."

"And you're not just saying that to make us all graduate and get us out of your way?"

Miss Cam chuckled. "Maybe."

"Uh huh."

"Well Lina, you have been a bit less troublesome than most, but on the other hand you've made Gimli very chipper in the morning and I HATE chipper in the morning. Still, you've been… An interesting student. Now get your bum to bed before I give you detention. Gimli's pacing the floor downstairs and driving Lord Elrond up the wall. Literally."

As the two began making their way back, through the eerie silent hallways, a thought occurred to Lina. It would be the last time to ask all those questions she had pondered.

"Miss Cam?"

"Yes?"

"Tolkien's the Headmaster, isn't he?"

"No comment."

"So in other words, yes."

"Yes."

"I thought so. With the clouds spelling it out and all."

"You really need to work on your grasp of the blatantly obvious."

"So who's the Ultimate Evil?"

"Again, you need to work on your grasp of the obvious here."

"You?"

"No."

"Morgoth?"

"Hah, in his dreams."

"Sauron?"

"You think the Ultimate Evil would have a stuffed bunny?"

"Fangirls?"

"Inventive, but no."

"Drat."

"Hey Lina!" called a strong voice as they passed the toilets and Lina groaned. The Witch-Wall.

"Lina, Lina, leave me not  
You still have me besot  
My bricks quiver when you're near  
You leap as gracefully as a deer  
Except when you fly through the air  
Ent-tossed you look not so fair  
But hot you look in a bra  
You make me go ga-ga  
Touch my side and make me whimper   
The following day you'll be a limper."

"I'd work on those seduction skills for next semester!" Lina replied (lost for a better comeback – the Witch-Wall had that effect on people), shaking her head.

"Don't give him ideas. It's bad enough we got 'The Elves called Rivendell' running about like mad claiming they deserve recognition as true elves even though they are made out of building materials. We even have Iluuvatar the mini-Balrog now, wanting to create mini-Balrog land. Sounds like something from Disneyworld, only that it would be evil. Actually, that would be exactly like something from Disneyworld..."

Lina tuned out as she looked up and saw Gimli stand waiting for her. He smiled as he saw her – and that was love. Not the fantasy of grand love that she'd had for Legolas, the fairytale romance – but the simply realisation that she'd do anything for that smile.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Hey."

"Aaaaw…" said a muffled voice and they both turned to stare at Miss Cam.

"Oh, shut up," Miss Cam said briskly. "I'm a sucker for romances, even weird human-girls-fancies-Elf-falls-for-Dwarf-who-weirdly-enough-falls-for-her-too romances. Excuse me, I think I'll go watch Bridget Jones's Diary again – and oh yes, mention this to *anyone* and I'm frying you both on a McDonald's fryer and drowning you in salt."

Neither watched her leave, as Lina let herself sink into Gimli's embrace and closed her eyes.

"Gimli?"

"Yes?"

"Are you patting my bum?"

"No…"

"Then who's… MORGOTH!"


	63. Save the Last Dance for the Dwarf

It rained on the day of graduation.

It had been a nice and sunny day for the fashion show, sporting Elven gowns, Dwarven chain mails, human cloaks, Dark Lord Spiky Armours and Ungoliant's Pure Darkness dress. Sadly though, when Sauron had sported his magnificent double-spiked armour radiating pure evil, Morgoth had made it rain and the armour had rusted.

There were burning meteorites scattered all over the lawn after the two Dark Lords were done fighting. But they did make good lawn ornaments in a sort of 'here be meteorites lest you behave' sort of way.

So, it was raining and Lina was miserable. As everyone else, she had to leave OFUM – Miss Cam said possible staff position would be decided later. But with that carrot dangling in front of them, nearly all the students had done amazingly well (as in 'not flunking') on their exams. Except in Elrond's subject, but that was more because the exam had been held just as the EIBL (Elves in Black Leather) had held its first meeting outside (the mini-Balrogs oversaw the exams). With Legolas. And Glorfindel. And Elrond. It was a miracle not more than half the class had passed out. Elrond had passed them anyway, because he was, as Miss Cam put it 'bloody sick of them'.

Graduation, a party and then home at midnight. What a miserable notion.

"Lucy Barron," Gandalf said from his podium (his wizard hat had been replaced with a party hat), handing over the licence to a beaming Lucy. "James Bond jr. Celandine Brandybuck…"

Lina only listened with half an ear to Gandalf's calling of graduates. She wasn't until the Hs, which meant she could live in the illusion of being an OFUM student a bit longer.

The staff was gathered behind the podium, looking like it was Christmas and Easter at once. They would soon have vacation to prepare for the next batch as well as rebuilding all the rooms Morgoth and Sauron had wrecked. They were all there, even Éomer had finally turned up (although students were advised not to make any sudden movements around him. He was still a bit - twitchy). Gimli sent her a weak smile from his place next to Legolas; she returned it with as much feeling as she could.

"Lina Holling."

Lina got up and accepted the license from Gandalf, trying to look cheerful. She failed miserably. Walking back to her spot, BreadLegs jumped into her lap as she sat down.

"Oyoy."

"I know."

One by one students got their license, some looking cheerful, others downright depressed. No more Elrond Death Stares, no more sleazy comments from the Witch-Wall, no more mini-Balrogs tackles (although with a mini-Balrog supervisor, you never knew. There had been a frantic rush when it turned out you could claim which one you preferred – Lina had gotten Grimli) and no more Dark Lord fights. She would miss it all. Okay, maybe not the pain part of it.

"Congratulations, OFUM 'class of who cares, you 're not our responsibility anymore'! You have all received your licences and can now write fanfiction. Kindly remember that you do have supervisors," Gandalf said as the last student had walked up and received her licence. "And we would hate for you to meet any of our guests in *professional* context."

Jay and Acacia smiled from their places among the staff; Miss Cam had claimed they were 'consultants' and thus would be considered staff. Lina suspected they were there for one final act of intimidation. After all, it did work.

"And now, as you say, let's party!" Gandalf exclaimed and lifted his staff.

There was a blinding urple light.

"RAGNA!"

"What? I thought it would be more appropriate with urple."

As Gandalf and Ragna locked in a staring match, the students began to mingle as the Orcish Howling Choir began their 'Stop! In the name of orcs - before we eat your heart'. Strangely, it seemed fitting. The hall was decked in a mix of Middle-earth and Earth type festive decorations; the disco ball reflecting the candle lights.

Miss Cam looked amazingly cheerful and relaxed as she swept across the floor, giving each student words of wisdom ('Don't name characters after colours unless you want me to break all the bones in your body, dear. Never spend more time describing a dress than the scenery. Changing eye colours makes Barlog hungry'). She paused before Lina.

"Not everything has a happy ending, Lina. Sometimes it just ends. And oh yes – work on that grasping of painfully obvious facts, dear."

And with that Miss Cam walked over to Elrond, Thundera Tiger, Dwimordene, Jay and Acacia (who was eyeing all Boromir-lusters so no one dared approach the Man).

"I have come to the conclusion that although she is Elven, she believes elves do die... Thus, so will she. For good," Elrond was saying. "I am most grateful for your help in this experiment."

Jay muttered something muffled and went slightly pink in the cheeks.

"Next year I have a splendid idea for Numerology," Elrond went on, gesturing to the giant flashing neon sign that Morgoth had impaled in the ceiling in an attempt to upstage Sauron. "I will hang the students from the ceiling unless…"

The hall was a mixture of music and voices, Lina caught bits of conversations as she walked through the crowd.

"You look great Frodo," Magda smiled, heading the hobbit crowd towards Frodo, Merry, Sam and Pippin.

"Yes, Mister Frodo. You are great," the Ring shot in. "You need a tower to show your greatness. Just a little, little one? A weensy teensy one."

"Shut up," Frodo replied cheerfully.

"I am the greatest Dark Lord!" Sauron exclaimed.

"No, I am, you puny halfwitted drooling fungus!" Morgoth replied.

"You vain, vulgar, void-brained vegetable!"

Lina walked on, past the all the Legolas Lusters (waiting impatiently for the announcement of who had won the one dance with Legolas), past Dot and her Rohan Rider dancing slowly, and to where Gimli waited.

"Congratulations," he said quietly.

"I don't want to leave."

"I know. I wish you could stay."

"I know. I love you, all right? If you go marry some dwarven lady I'll come haunt you in your sleep."

"If you marry some sorry human male I will chop his private parts off."

She giggled, and for an eternity they just looked at each other.

"Dance with me?" he offered.

"Always."


	64. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I owe lots of thank you.
> 
> Thank you to Thundera Tiger, Dwimordene, Shadow, Jean, the Philosopher at Large, Meir Brin and the heaps of others who have offered suggestions, alerted me to mini-Balrogs, reviewed, criticized, corrected or nagged me about this story. A special thanks to all who enrolled and were very good sports about it. Also thanks to Jay and Acacia, who are brave and fun and supplied me with heaps of material.
> 
> And finally – to Tolkien. Because his world is a wonderful place.

Home.

The room was as she had left it, the computer still on and the words she had written a lifetime ago still blinking. The portal she had walked through vanished behind her – she was home in her quiet apartment. Home.

"Oyoy?" came a muffled sound from her backpack.

"BreadLegs! You're supposed to stay in Middle-earth!" Lina exclaimed, opening the backpack.

"Oy!"

"All right, all right… If my landlord sees you, we're both doomed, though, so you better behave."

BreadLegs and RollFeet both jumped onto the bed, making themselves comfortable. Lina merely shook her head and returned her attention to the computer screen. Strange to have endured three semesters at OFUM to get a licence she now would never use. After all, what tales did she have to tell that could possibly do such a place justice?

She looked at the screen again. Very slowly, a smile spread over her face.

******

Like all stories, it took time to write down. At times, she thought she would never finish – but one night, all there was left to type was 'The end'. And she found she didn't want to.

"Nice story."

"Miss Cam!" Lina exclaimed, looking around the half-lit room.

"Though you've got some grammar issues and your spell checker must have hiccuped."

"Toey stopped by."

"Ah," Miss Cam commented, stepping out of the shadows. "Have you packed?"

"Have I what?"

"Packed. You're my new paperwork slave."

"Since when?"

"Since Gimli woke me up the fifteenth morning in a row with his bloody nagging. I wasn't going to bring you in before the new semester, but I cannot take anymore. Honestly, you'd think I'd let you run around the staff section freely if I didn't plan to hire you? Or let you boink a teacher if I didn't already have you on my staff list?" Miss Cam sniggered. "You know how fangirls think having been one, you have shown you can be devious and you've survived Ent-tossing, wall-crushing, falling from a dragon… Most impressive."

"I… um… Right," Lina muttered, as confusion began to give way to joy. Gimli! Sweeping up BreadLegs and RollFeet, she hurriedly packed a bag.

"Got everything?"

"Yeah, I…" Pausing, Lina looked at the computer screen where her tale of OFUM was finished but for two little words. Bending forward, she typed them with a strange sense of joy and sadness at once.

One tale ends, another begins.

"I'm ready," she said.

"Good. I hope you brought something fireproof. Sauron's stuffed animal went missing and he's tracking it down by burning down all the places it could be hidden."

And as the portal opened, two words blinked slowly on the computer screen.

'The end.'


End file.
